Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Shower Mike

Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner

Richard Herkiman ... Bill Murray
Jane Herkiman ... Gilda Radner
Richard Cularsky ... Buck Henry

[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from the waist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, and begins what is clearly his morning routine:]

Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day, another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let's go! Come on, let's go, let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go. [starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga, hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that's cold! Cold! That Mexican family's gotta go! Oh! All the hot water's gone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on the tiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! Richard Herkiman! Hey - hey!

[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end of which is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., a Shower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience. Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift as if it were a real microphone.]

Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you very much. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles' song "Something"] Well, there's something in the way that that girl mooooooves - that attracts me like no other lover! Yeah, there's something in the way that she woo-oo-oos me.

Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey? Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen -- [sings] I don't want to leave her now -- [speaks] a very special guest! [sings] You know I believe and how!

Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. Richard Herkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!

[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to lather up.]

Jane: I just want to-- Honey, would you quit fooling around? I just want to take a quick shower, all right? If you don't mind.

Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel about singing a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to her face]

Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I'm just taking a shower.

Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mind singing that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginary audience] Come on, let's hear it for her! Come on! Let's hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audience applauds.]

Jane: Richard!

Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to her mouth]

Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingers and joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why not look around you and you'll see-- [speaks] Oh, Richard, stop it! You're being silly. [starts washing herself]

Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth] Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to know if you really love me. Do you, honey?

Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone, Richard?

Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heart and soul? Come on, honey!

Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you

Richard Herkiman: "I love you" -- I know this is corny and old-fashioned but, come on, there's nobody else, is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?

Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I'm in a hurry.

Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks out there, what my wife doesn't know is that I know she's been cheating on me for the last couple of years and we've got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the man she's been seeing behind my back for the last two years, here he is! -- Richard Cularsky! Come on in, Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and Richard Cularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to have you aboard! Good to have you.

Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?! [Cularsky kisses Jane]

Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way from his home in the city to be with us here today. Isn't that terrific?

Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another] Something tells me I shouldn't have come, you're too surprised -- but I do love you, come what may.

Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, you kids must spend a lot of time in the shower together when I'm not here, huh?

[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy's mouth as Jane grabs a bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed "guest."]

Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it's funny -- I - I'll tell you the truth. A lot of people have the wrong idea about that. It's actually a lot safer to rent a hotel room. You know, there's much less chance of meeting an aunt or an uncle. And you don't have to worry about changing the sheets on the bed!

Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involved in this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you've been confronted with this thing now -- are ya gonna break it off with him for the good of your marriage or are you just gonna continue to stick the knife in and twist it and twist it, huh?

[Jane and Cularsky laugh.]

Jane: [big grin] Yes, Richard, that's exactly what we're gonna do!

Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you'll have to excuse me, but, uh, I'm an emotional guy and I really hate to get bad news. I'm sorry but that's the way I'm built. Okay. Gee, I'm afraid that's all the time I've got for today. Thanks, kids, for dropping by.

Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want to see that -- want to say that we'll be in Philadelphia the first week in June at the Statler Hotel.

Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I'll be looking for you there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the shower curtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit the shower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and the guy she's been messing around with!


Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thank you. That's about - that's about all the time we've got for-- I've gotta finish up my shower and jump on that busy, crazy commuter train o' mine and get back into work. We're gonna go to a commercial right now. Is that right? We're gonna go to a commercial. But, before, I'd like to go out on one of my favorite songs. [sings "My Way"] And now the time has come for me to close the shower curtain. [closes the shower curtain] I did what I have to do -- [speaks] we'll see ya tomorrow! -- [sings] and saw it through ...

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER:
"Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu"

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts