76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance
Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman ... Bill Murray
Jane Herkiman ... Gilda Radner
Richard Cularsky ... Buck Henry
[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from the
waist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, and
begins what is clearly his morning routine:]
Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,
another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let's go! Come on,
let's go, let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go.
[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,
hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that's cold! Cold! That
Mexican family's gotta go! Oh! All the hot water's
gone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on the
tiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! Richard
Herkiman! Hey - hey!
[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end of
which is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., a
Shower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.
Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift as
if it were a real microphone.]
Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you very
much. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles'
song "Something"] Well, there's something in the way
that that girl mooooooves - that attracts me like no
other lover! Yeah, there's something in the way that
she woo-oo-oos me.
Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen --
[sings] I don't want to leave her now -- [speaks] a
very special guest! [sings] You know I believe and
Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. Richard
Herkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!
[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to lather
Jane: I just want to-- Honey, would you quit fooling
around? I just want to take a quick shower, all
right? If you don't mind.
Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel about
singing a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to her
Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I'm just
taking a shower.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mind
singing that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginary
audience] Come on, let's hear it for her! Come on!
Let's hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audience
Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to her
Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingers
and joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why not
look around you and you'll see-- [speaks] Oh, Richard,
stop it! You're being silly. [starts washing herself]
Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]
Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to know
if you really love me. Do you, honey?
Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,
Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heart
and soul? Come on, honey!
Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you
Richard Herkiman: "I love you" -- I know this is corny
and old-fashioned but, come on, there's nobody else,
is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?
Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I'm in a hurry.
Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks out
there, what my wife doesn't know is that I know she's
been cheating on me for the last couple of years and
we've got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the man
she's been seeing behind my back for the last two
years, here he is! -- Richard Cularsky! Come on in,
Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and Richard
Cularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to have
you aboard! Good to have you.
Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?!
[Cularsky kisses Jane]
Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way from
his home in the city to be with us here today. Isn't
Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]
Something tells me I shouldn't have come, you're too
surprised -- but I do love you, come what may.
Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, you
kids must spend a lot of time in the shower together
when I'm not here, huh?
[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy's mouth as Jane grabs
a bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed
Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it's funny -- I - I'll tell
you the truth. A lot of people have the wrong idea
about that. It's actually a lot safer to rent a hotel
room. You know, there's much less chance of meeting an
aunt or an uncle. And you don't have to worry about
changing the sheets on the bed!
Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involved
in this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you've been
confronted with this thing now -- are ya gonna break
it off with him for the good of your marriage or are
you just gonna continue to stick the knife in and
twist it and twist it, huh?
[Jane and Cularsky laugh.]
Jane: [big grin] Yes, Richard, that's exactly what
we're gonna do!
Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you'll have
to excuse me, but, uh, I'm an emotional guy and I
really hate to get bad news. I'm sorry but that's the
way I'm built. Okay. Gee, I'm afraid that's all the
time I've got for today. Thanks, kids, for dropping
Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want to
see that -- want to say that we'll be in Philadelphia
the first week in June at the Statler Hotel.
Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I'll be looking for
you there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the shower
curtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit the
shower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and the
guy she's been messing around with!
Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thank
you. That's about - that's about all the time we've
got for-- I've gotta finish up my shower and jump on
that busy, crazy commuter train o' mine and get back
into work. We're gonna go to a commercial right now.
Is that right? We're gonna go to a commercial. But,
before, I'd like to go out on one of my favorite
songs. [sings "My Way"] And now the time has come for
me to close the shower curtain. [closes the shower
curtain] I did what I have to do -- [speaks] we'll see
ya tomorrow! -- [sings] and saw it through ...
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER:
"Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu"