Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22









76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

.....Jane Curtin
Voices of jockey and horse.....Chevy Chase
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
.....Bella Abzug
.....Buck Henry

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. Our top story tonight:

California police report that Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra have kidnapped Patricia Hearst, and forced her to join their nightclub act. Reports say that the two entertainers dragged Miss Hearst screaming from her San Francisco apartment, through her into the trunk of a Lear jet, and are now appearing in Las Vegas as Tanya & The Meatballs. In exchange for her return, they are demanding the head of Jerry Lewis. More on this story, as it develops.

In Texas, late millionairess, Sandra West, was buried this week in her Ferrari sports coupe, as she had requested. Afterwards, a small group of mourners placed a floral wreath and a set of steel-belted radial tires on the grave.

Interviewed this week for the third time by David Frost, former President Richard Nixon said that any act is legal if it is authorized by the President. Nixon confessed that, in addition to approving wiretaps and burglaries, as President he occasionally shoplifted and held up a number of licquor stores in the Washington area.

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update Sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew. Here's the footage now.

[ cut to stock horse racing footage ]

Jockey V/O: Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey... hey... aiiee..! Ow-ay... ow..! Ow... ow..!

Horse V/O: It's okay, we'll be alright!

Jockey V/O: Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: We're okay!

Jockey V/O: I know, my -- ow..!

Horse V/O: Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

Jockey V/O: Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts -- aiieee..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy...

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Ballet star Mikhael Barishnikov (?) attended a party with Jacqueline Onassis, following the New York premiere of B's production of "The Nutcracker" for the American Ballet Theater. Though the opening was a big success, Mrs. Onassis made B cry when she informed him that she could see very little under his tights.

It was fifty years ago this week that Charles Lindbergh made his historic solo flight from New York to Paris. Taking off at Roosevelt Field on Long Island, it was a feat that was hailed by millions of citizens, except for the residents of Howard Beach, who protested against the noise.

This just in: we now take you live to our crack political reporter, Miss Emily Litella, who is with Bella Abzug, who is about to make an important announcement. Emily?

[ cut to Emily Litella standing with Bella Abzug. The two women wear matching sun hats. ]

Emily Litella: Yes, Jane! I'm standing here in front of City Hall, with former Congresswoman Stella Abzug, who has an announcement to make! Stella?

Bella Abzug: Emily, it's Bella. Bella.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh!! You speak Italian! How nice! That's lovely! Just lovely! Now, tell me, Stella, what do you plan to --

Bella Abzug: It's Bella. It's Bella. Bella!

Emily Litella: Oh, ciao! Ciao! Yes!

Bella Abzug: Bella!

Emily Litella: Right. Well, Stella, we know you have the Italian vote! [ she laughs at her joke ]

Bella Abzug: Oh, I have a lot of love for the voters, but --

Emily Litella: Great! Well, uh -- does this mean that you're going to throw your CAT into the ring? Because I think it's TERRIBLE the way pets are mistreated, just to get a few votes for politicians! Throwing yuor cat into -- [ Abzug taps Litella's shoulder ] What?

Bella Abzug: It's not cat -- it's hat. "Hat" in the ring. You see, my hat. It's still on, but I'm planning to toss it into the --

Emily Litella: Ohhh! Oh, I see! It's a very lovely hat, I might add. It's just lovely.

Bella Abzug: Oh, thanks. I see you have a nice hat -- cat -- I mean, HAT!

Emily Litella: Yes! [ to the camera ] Well, I'm here, and Stella has an announcement to make, and I think I know what it is! Stella Abzug is going to THROW her CAT into the ring!

Bella Abzug: Emily!

Emily Litella: And HERE'S her big announcement!

Bella Abzug: [ taking the microphone ] Never mind.

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Emily. Now, as a public service, "Weekend Update"'s guest editorial commentator -- Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Thank you, Jane. Actually, I have a little surprise for you. I'm not here to deliver an editorial or a commentary, but to make a presentation. The Council of Television Journalists, for which I am honorary chairman, has unanimously voted you, Jane Curtin, America's Outstanding Television Journalist for the 1976-77 Season. [ he holds up her award ]

[ the audience cheers ]

Jane Curtin: That is such an honor. I don't know what to say. Who's gotten this award before?

Buck Henry: Uhhh -- well, no one, Jane. This is the first year that I've -- that we've presented it.

Jane Curtin: [ humbly ] Well... why me?

Buck Henry: Why? Why, Jane? I mean, I can answer you -- I can answer that question because you're a woman, and I'm a man -- what could Cronkite, Brinkley, Chancellor, or Smith ever do for me, if I gave them this plaque? They'd say "Thank you." Big deal. But, with you, it's a different situation. Yuo ask "Why me?" I could tell you, because I've watched you sitting here, show after show, with your blonde hair brushing the side of your face, as you've kept me informed of the news of the world... I've heard that breathless little catch in your voice when a particular news item affected your emotions... I've seen you unbutton the top button on your blouse to boost your ratings, as well as my pulse... I've thought about those silken thighs underneath the desk, crossing and uncrossing... or those... I-I-I-I just imagine what you're like underneath this desk! The unseen newswoman, as it were! You know what I mean? So, when you ask me, I can safely answer, Jane, because I WANT YOU, as I've never before wanted a network anchorperson!

Jane Curtin: Well, I -- [ she's at a loss for words ]

Buck Henry: In addition, Jane, to this lovely plaque, there's a trophy -- a rather large trophy, I must say! Which, uh, I'd rather give to you in private, if I could.

Jane Curtin: [ now completely uncomfortable ] Th-that's okay... I can live without it.

Buck Henry: Well, uh, the trophy is of an unusual and original design --

Jane Curtin: I'm sure.

Buck Henry: It's not suitable for home viewing. So, if I could give it to you after the show, say, at your place?

Jane Curtin: Uhhh -- thank you very much, Mr. Henry --

Buck Henry: You're absolutely sure?

Jane Curtin: But, uh -- no thank you --

Buck Henry: Alright, in that case, I'll be taking this award back. I don't think you'll need it anyway. I'll go talk to Barbara, I've heard things about her...

[ Buck grabs his plaque and makes his exit ]

Jane Curtin: Good night, and -- [ she glares offscreen in Buck's wake ] That's the news, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jane scowls and continues to glare offscreen in Buck's wake ]

[ fade ]


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