Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Bianca Jagger And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends

Narrator.....Bill Murray
Bianca Jagger.....Madeline Kahn
Truman Capote.....John Belushi
Grace Kelly.....Jane Curtin
Margaret Trudeau.....Laraine Newman

[ open on Narrator standing beside dinner table ]

Narrator: Bianca Jagger has just finished eating dinner in this television studio... with Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends. At the table tonight: [ revealed in close-up, one at a time ] Truman Capote... Princess Grace... Margaret Trudeau... and our hostess, Bianca Jagger. Won't you join Bianca for wine, cheese and grapes?

[ the Narrator turns his attention to the table, as the camera zooms closer ]

Truman Capote: [ cackling with glee ] You know, Bianca -- Everyone knows how much you've changed, now that you're a working woman. I mean, you're just not the same Bianca.

Bianca Jagger: Of course, I'm not the same. How could I be the same? I've completely changed.

Truman Capote: How do you feel that you've changed?

Bianca Jagger: How do I feel that I've changed? You're so silly. You know that I was... leading the party life before I was working. You know that for a fact. If I was invited to a party, I'd take the plane, I'd get on the plane, I go to the country, I learn the language, I go to the party! I AM the party! That is what it is.

Truman Capote: Yeah, it's true. It's really true. You are the party.

Bianca Jagger: That is true. But I am working now. That is the pattern of my life. I am working now, and I have learned something... that is very, very important in life. And that is that you must... be... on... time. If you are called to a place, to be there at one o'clock... you do not arrive at five o-clock. You will have kept everyone waiting for... [ thinking ] four hours. This is what I used to do if I were to arrive, because what is time? Time is nothing. What is time? Time never met... What is time? Time is nothing. But this has completely changed now.

Grace Kelly: How's Mick?

Margaret Trudeau: Yes! How is Mick? I thought he was gonig to be here?

Bianca Jagger: How is Mick? [ a beat ] I come from Nicaragua. There is a saying amongst the very wealthy women there, which says that... "You cannot shave your legs after your pantyhose are on." And I believe that this is true.

Truman Capote: Ah! Yes, that is true!

Grace Kelly: Of course, it's true.

Margaret Trudeau: Oh, you're right! Because... if you nick yourself, you can't get a Band-aid on underneath them.

Bianca Jagger: You completely misunderstood!

Truman Capote: Bianca... you're so beautiful. Um... you are.

Bianca Jagger: You are!

Truman Capote: Thank you! Uh -- Do you think that make-up is important?

Bianca Jagger: Do I think that make-up is important? [ a beat ] I do not USE make-up, Truman, and you KNOW that I do not use make-up! What is make-up? Make-up uses ME! I make the make-up to look GOOD! You COMPLETELY misunderstand!

Margaret Trudeau: Where is Mick? I thought he was going to be here for dinner!

Truman Capote: Yes, where is Mick?

Grace Kelly: There is a saying amongst the poor owmen of Monaco: "If your husband is late for dinner... maybe he has eaten somewhere else."

Bianca Jagger: You make me so jealous.

Truman Capote: Oh, that Mick is such a raw talent, you know? What is it like being married to a man like MICK JAGGER?

Bianca Jagger: What is it like...? I have learned... many things. Like I have learned that a woman -- I... am woman, woman I am -- When a woman is married to, for instance, a... Mick Jagger. And if her first name is, for instance... Bianca. Then, she -- the woman -- gets to call herself... Bianca Jagger.

Truman Capote: That's such a marvelous name for this world...

Margaret Trudeau: I wish Mick would get here, he has such a sensual lower lip.

Truman Capote: God, that's true!

Grace Kelly: He's very popular in Monaco, I wanted to ask him to be on our stamp.

Truman Capote: God, he's be beautiful! You know, everything is a question of attitude. You know, how you feel and how you are. I used to feel short, I looked short. Now I feel tall, and I am tall -- unless I have to reach for something high on a shelf.

Bianca Jagger: This is -- I cannot -- I -- I -- I just -- What are we talking about? We are talking about reaching. We are talking about NOTHING! [ she looks into the camera ] You must understand me, I'm sorry. I must be honest -- These people are NOT my friends! Okay? This is NOT my dining room. I would not have MY friends SIT in a dinning room like this. This is a television show, I'm terribly sorry. I don't particularly care for these people, I don't particularly care for TELEVISION! I don't particularly care for any... What is CARE?! What is it? What is I? What is what? What is WHAT?! You understand me? I mean, I cannot bear it! I cannot bear it! I really cannot.

[ as Bianca continues to ramble on, the Narrator steps back in front of the table ]

Narrator: You just had wine, cheese and grapes with Bianca Jagger... And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends.

[ pull out, with SUPER: "Coming up Next... Will Barry Manilow Outlive His Wardrobe?" ]

[ fade ]

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