Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3








77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Circular Bed Sex Research

Co-ed.....Jane curtin
.....Hugh Hefner
President Jimmy Carter.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Hugh Hefner's bedroom ]

[ Hefner sits on his circular bed lighting his pipe, as ?? steps forward holding a clipboard ]

Co-ed: Gee, Hef -- thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule to help me out with my thesis!

[ she joins him on the bed ]

Hugh Hefner: Ah, listen -- it's a PLEASURE! It's not every day I'm able to persuade the eduation of a comely young co-ed like yourself! Besides, I really appreciate the opportunity to quit working for the night and do the thing I enjoy the most!

[ the Co-ed laughs ]

Hugh Hefner: Uh, did you bring the equipment?

Co-ed: Yes, I have everything we need!

Hugh Hefner: Well, what are we going to do first?

Co-ed: Uh -- [ she holds up an object ]

Hugh Hefner: What have you got there?

Co-ed: The protractor!

Hugh Hefner: Now, could you explain your research a little more specifically?

Co-ed: Well, it's like I said. Tonight, I intend to prove a major hypothesis with my thesis on male performance territory and their geometric variants, using you and your circular bed!

Hugh Hefner: Sounds good. Now, what hypothesis do you hope to prove?

Co-ed: Well, if two bodies intersect at various angles within a circular area and lovemaking is performed for 3.14 minutes in each quadrant, by the time the bodies reach the midpoint, the couple will achieve pi!

Hugh Hefner: [ absorbing this knowledge ] Right! Let's go to work! Let's do it for science!

[ beeping ]

Hugh Hefner: Oh, no...

Co-ed: What's that?

Hugh Hefner: It's my beeper. It, uh -- it beeps every time an important call comes in on my answering service. I have to, uh, call the phone service.

Co-ed: [ excited ] THAT'S what that little black box was! I was afraid to ask -- I thought it was a pacemaker! [ she giggles ]

Hugh Hefner: Well -- but -- excuse me for a minute, because I have to call the phone service. [ he picks up a wall phone ]

Co-ed: I knew this was going to happen!

Hugh Hefner: No, no, no. I give you my word -- this is our night. [ into the phone ] Hello? This is Hefner. Who called? Oh, really? Again, huh? What's he want this time? I see. Well, look -- okay. I don't want to be disturbed tonight -- let's forward all calls, and tell him I'll call tomorrow. Okay? Okay. [ he hangs up ]

Co-ed: Always in demand! It seems like people are always trying to reach you, Hef!

Hugh Hefner: Yes, but I want to forget all that tonight. Tell me -- am I the only subject in your experiment, who, uh, owns an uncommonly-shaped bed?

Co-ed: Oh, no. I experimented with an octagenarian who slept on a hexagon. He didn't make it through the night.

[ beeping ]

Co-ed: I thought you told them to hold all calls?

Hugh Hefner: Yes, that's not the beeper. That's, uh, our Playboy radar scan. [ he opens a panel on the headboard to reveal a radar screen ] It means that... someone's landing on the helipad up on the roof.

Co-ed: Hef, I'd better go. You're too busy to be bothered by a co-ed who's working on her thesis.

Hugh Hefner: No. I told you -- this is gonna be our night, no one's gonna disturb us. Not even if the President of the United States were to call.

[ suddenly, President Jimmy Carter and a pair of Secret Service men enter the room ]

President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me -- uh, Hef? Hello, Ma'am. Hef, I tried calling on the phone, but... they put you on hold there, and I just have to talk to you. I need some advice from you on something.

Hugh Hefner: What is it now, Jimmy?

President Jimmy Carter: Can I sit down here on the bed?

Hugh Hefner: Sure.

[ Carter sits on the edge of the bed ]

President Jimmy Carter: Well, as you know, the Geneva Conference is next week. There's gonna be a lot of countries there, and I want to make a good impression, you know? And I like to get back to my hotel room and think about policy and relax and listen to some music. Well, I like to play my music loud, so I don't want to disturb anybody in the hotel. I was wondering: What kind of headphones should I buy? Secretary of State Vance and I had a bet -- he said you'd say a Klaus 190, and I figured you'd say MasterSound Pro-15.

Hugh Hefner: Well... if you said "MasterSound Pro-15" -- collect your money, you won the bet. MasterSound puts out separate tweeter and woofer in each cup.

President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm.

Hugh Hefner: Coupled by a core crossover network. The result is a powerful bass response, richness in tone, and the sound still holds together. Now, uh, could you leave us, Jimmy? I am... busy.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, thanks, Hef! Thanks a lot! [ he stands ] Oh, there's one more thing: The Secret Service men and I would like to use the jacuzzi.

Hugh Hefner: Go ahead. Anything.

President Jimmy Carter: Gee, thank you! Bye-bye, Ma'am! Nice meeting you.

[ President Carter and his Srcret Service men exit the room ]

Hugh Hefner: Let's get back to... Basic Geometry.

Co-ed: Okay!

[ Hefner pulls the Co-ed down onto the bed, as the camera zooms in on the stereo equipment and dissolve into the next sketch ]


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