77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

.....Jane Curtin
.....Dan Aykroyd
Nadia Comanechi.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: That's Dan Aykroyd.

Announcer: What was that?

Dan Aykroyd: That's Dan, Don.

Announcer: Oh, I'm sorry, Dan, it must have been a typographical error in my script. I beg your Pardo!

Dan Aykroyd: That's pardon.

Announcer: Oh, I'm sorry! It must have been a typographical error!

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn't like ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying "I don't want him to die, but I wish they'd take him off the air." Cosell, responding to the remarks of the 79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said, "I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian. And I hope she lives to be 80."

This week, the Supreme Court upheld Congress' ban on the use of Medicaid money for abortions. The court ruled that a fetus becomes a human being at three months if the parents earn $15,000 or more a year. And, at one month if the parents earn less.

[ tour group enters and starts wandering around the set, alarming Jane and Dan ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ picks up the phone on the desk ] Hello, Control Room? A tour group just came through here, and.. That's going to be normal procedure from now on? Oh, okay..

Jane Curtin: Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics has just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, I couldn't be happier. She's like poetry in motion, and we have this footage for you right now.

[ cut to footage of Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics - a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd ]

Nadia Comaneci: I am cute! Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to your city! I'm only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can because I won't be cute forever. Before you know it, I'll grow up to be a big fat Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We don't age so good. So, who's gonna want to see me then? It's so hard to do gymnastics while you're arguing with storekeepers. So, see me now, while I'm still darling!

[ cut back to the newscast, as Dan and Jane banter ]

Dan Aykroyd: You know, Jane, she is so cute, that girl.

Jane Curtin: She sure is.

Dan Aykroyd: But I thought the parallel bars were her first love?

Jane Curtin: Mine, too. A lot of us girls who took gym class lost it to the parallel bars.

[ the NBC Dancing "N" dances in with a bulletin ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ tears the bulletin off the side of the "N". ] This just in, from your National Drug Abuse Association - "Cocaine and heroin do not mix. If you must snort, don't shoot."

Jane Curtin: Well, tonight, we're proud to announce that tonight's show is the first "Saturday Night Live" to be broadcast overseas to the Armed Forces Network. And we'd like to welcome some one million military personnel who are watching "Weekend Update" for the first time. Uh.. this just in - we're at war. Army personnel, turn off your sets and do what you're supposed to do. Just kidding! Good night, and have a pleasent tomorrow.

Announcer: "Weekend Update" is a presentation of "Saturday Night News", keeping American informed for over a fiftieth of a century.