Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

The Killer Bees

Husband.....Charles Grodin
Wife.....Gilda Radner
Killer Bee #2.....Dan Aykroyd
Killer Bee Leader.....John Belushi
Killer Bee #3.....Garrett Morris
Killer Bee #4.....Bill Murray
Killer Bee #5.....Tom Schiller
Killer Bee #6.....Neil Levy

[ open on suburban living room, Husband reading a magazine as his wife enters ]

Wife: I'm getting awfully worried, honey -- it's after ten o'clock, and Stephanie isn't home yet! I don't think we should have let her go trick-or-treating by herself.

Husband: Oh, don't worry. She'll be home any minute.

Wife: I hope so... [ the doorbell rings ] Oh!

Husband: That's probably her, right there.

Wife: Alright, you get it.

[ Husband answers the door to an oversized group of trick-or-treaters ]

Killer Bee #2: Treek-or-treat, Senor!

[ the group of disguised Bees enter ]

Killer Bee Leader: We are, uh... we are some little children in your neighborhood, uh -- coming to play tricks on you, uh -- for your candy!

Wife: Oh, look what CUTE costumes!

Husband: [ handing out candy ] Here's some candy, and, uh... who has the UNICEF box?

Killer Bee Leader: We don't have no steenkin' UNICEF! [ he throws the candy down ] We are... THE KILLER BEES!!

[ music sting, as title card appears and the Bees remove their costumes and pull out their guns ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, confused ] Wait... wait a second, John, uh... what is this?

Killer Bee #2: Gringo! We want your pollen!

Wife: Oh, no, honey! Do what they say! They look dangerous!

Charles Grodin: W-well... we don't have any pollen. Uh... uh... [ breaking character ] Excuse me, John, I'm sorry! W-what are these outfits you have on? Gilda, did you know they were gonna be dressed like this in the scene?

Gilda Radner: Shhh!

Charles Grodin: No, I'm really thrown. I'm sorry. Are you supposed to be some kind of animals?

[ the Bees point their guns at Grodin ]

Killer Bee #3: We are not animals! We are Killer Bees!

Killer Bee #2: [ pointing his gun ] Give us your pollen -- NOW!!

[ the Killer Bees cackle with glee ]

Charles Grodin: Hey, I'm sorry. Uh... it's just that I didn't expect to see you in these costumes, uh... They're terrific -- but you didn't wear them in rehearsal, and, uh... maybe you wore them at Dress, but I -- but I -- it just seems all different than what I've seen.

Killer Bee #2: [ thrusting his gun ] Why do you pretend that you have no POLLEN?!! We are not FOOLS!!

Charles Grodin: No, no, no...!

[ Wife screams ]

Charles Grodin: [ he looks at Gilda, curious ] Uh -- it's just these little things moving around on your head. I -- I think it's very distracting to the audience, uh... I mean, it's been my experience as an actor when things move on somebody's head, uh, the audience is gonna look at them.

Gilda Radner: Chuck. Chuck. [ pointing ] See the man over there, with the cards? They have your lines on them. Could you just say your lines?

Charles Grodin: No, I KNOW my lines! Uh -- well -- actually, you see, I'm reallu a little thrown in this scene. I'm sorry! I've really kind of lost my... I'm very, very sorry. I've just lost my place completely, and, uh... Look, could we take it again? Could we take those things off your heads?

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] There's no "again", Chuck! There's no "again"! This is LIVE television! it's not the movies!

Charles Grodin: Well, I realize we're doing it live, but, uh... you know, there's good live, and there's bad live, and, uh... maybe we should try to do some, uh, good live. [ the cast grumble amongst themselves ] Maybe I don't fully understand The Bees! I mean, what are you? Are you playing children... dressed up as bees...? Or are you bees who are dressed up as children who are dressed up for Halloween? Am I supposed to believe that you're real bees? I mean... I don't really know how to relate to he whole Bee thing! I mean, it's... it's cute, it's really cute. But I-I-I... it's, uh...

Garrett Morris: Uhhhhh... I think we're real bees...

Bill Murray: No...

Garrett Morris: We're supposed to be real bees...

Bill Murray: No, I think that we're NOT real bees. We have a lot of the characteristics of bees, but we're like people, too...

Dan Aykroyd: No, no, I disagree -- I think it's an etymological charade! We're actually biologically, etymologically, supposed to be bees!

John Belushi: [ outraged ] What are you TALKING about?!! Are you CRAZY?!! We're doing a SCENE here! At least, we were, until he RUINED it!

Charles Grodin: Well, listen... if only someone had mentioned that you were gonna come in as insects. You see, I wasn't told! In the movies, we're told EVERYTHING! There are just not these kind of surprises.

Bill Murray: Well, we wore these in the Dress Rehearsal, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Oh. Well... I-I'm very sorry I missed the Dress Rehearsal.

John Belushi: I can't believe you're the only host who's ever missed the Dress Rehearsal! We had these ON!!

Charles Grodin: Well... I-I was out shopping for the gifts! Uh... the stores were closing... it was a DIRECT conflict with the Dress Rehearsal. Maybe if I had seen these costumes... I'm sure this can still work! okay, l-l-let's take it from here! [ a couple of the cast members start to walk off stage ] W-wait a second! Wait a second, Bill! Please! Okay, look -- [ he reaches into his pocket ] "Here's come pollen," uh... Bees... Bees. "I have some pollen for you..."

[ Belushi looks away from Grodin ]

Gilda Radner: John! John! Take the pollen, he's the host!

John Belushi: Alright, alright... okay...

Charles Grodin: "Here's the pollen."

John Belushi: [ returning to character ] Uh, okay... "Uh, look, Carlos, uh... Thank you, Senor. Pollen!" [ he chuckles, as Killer Bee #5 crouches on one knee and strums his guitar ] "Senor. You saved my village. There are no pollen to put in the mouthes of our children. Our children were DYING! Our women were --" [ breaking character ] I can't do this any more! Forget it! Wait a minute, wait... stop! [ Tom Schiller stops strumming his guitar ] I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I can't do it. You know? I mean, it's a JOKE! You know what I mean? I mean, I'm an ACTOR! I work hard at my CRAFT! You know? I'm here every week! You know? I'm a PRO! I'm a PROFESSIONAL!! John Belushi's a professional, if nothing else! He does his job! He doesn't LIKE The Bees, but he does it ANYWAY!! He does the BEST he can! You know. He does the best he can! [ the audience applauds wildly, joined in by Grodin ] Oh, my God! Look at this! [ he points at his Bee costume ] Look at this! Look! You know -- but, YOU! [ he points at Grodin ] Yuo have no experience! I mean... you ruined the opening monologue, you Ruined my Samurai! okay? And now you're ruining this scene! You don't even know WHY you're on the show! You have no idea!

Charles Grodin: L-look... I'm sorry! I'm really sorry. I should have been here more this week, I realize that. It's just that it was either miss the Dress Rehearsal or not get the gifts. It was a direct conflict...

John Belushi: Hey -- this is no game, Chuck! [ he begins to distract Grodin by making his antennae bounce in circles ] This is not a GAME! I mean, you know... you know... I mean, this is my ART! It's ART to me! [ Grodin is now mesmerized by the bouncing antennae ] You know? And "Saturday Night" is IT for me, this is it! You know... I mean, it's important to me! [ Grodin nods, his eyes focused on the bouncing antennae ] And I think... I think that I... I think I speak for everyone here and everyone in this cast, when I say... when I say to you... [ he cocks his gun ] YOU... are the lamest host we've EVER had!

[ Belushi leads the cast off the set to thunderous applause ]

John Belushi: Let's get out of here! Get out of here!

Bill Murray: [ to Brodin ] You're a parasite!

[ Grodin remains on stage with Gilda Radner ]

Charles Grodin: What a POWERFUL presence he has! You know, what a guy!

Gilda Radner: Chuck, can I talk to you for a second?

Charles Grodin: You know, in the right skit... those costumes would have been SENSATIONAL!

Gilda Radner: Look... look, Chuck... someone has got to tell you this.

Charles Grodin: Yes?

Gilda Radner: You have got to take control, if you're gonna host the show!

Charles Grodin: What do you mean, Gilda? I-I am hosting the show! You talk like it's in the... we're on the air now! This is LIVE, right?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. But, look -- you have just got to take CONTROL, or you're gonna be cut completely out of the show!

Charles Grodin: [ dumbfounded ] I could be cut?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Charles Grodin: I'm the host.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Charles Grodin: I thought it was... I thought it was going fairly well.

Gilda Radner: I-I-I gotta quick-change.

Charles Grodin: Yeah.

[ Gilda exits the stage ]

Charles Grodin: [ glancing upward ] Lorne? Lorne, this isn't going to affect my song, is it? I mean, the Bee thing ran a little long, it's not gonna... eat into the time for my song, Lorne, is it?

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Chuck, I-I'm afraid it does. Uh... uh... it really looks now like the song is cut.

Charles Grodin: Lorne! Lorne, this is my own composition! It tells how I feel about life!

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Uh -- uh -- I'm very, very sorry, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Gee, I... well, what should I do now?

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Could you just say that we'll be right back?

Charles Grodin: [ beaten ] "We'll be right back."

[ the audience applauds, as Grodin shirks off the stage past the other cast members ]

[ SUPER: "coming up next... Economy Class Ego Trips" ]

[ fade ]

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