Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Return of the Coneheads

Connie Conehead.....Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead.....Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead.....Dan Aykroyd
Carl van Arsdale.....Bill Murray
Sharlene van Arsdale.....Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]

[ Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern, enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone. ]

[ SUPER: "Return of the Coneheads" ]

[ doorbell rings - Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer and fried eggs from an end table ]

Prymaat Conehead: Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease? [ answers doors ]

Kids: Trick or treat?

Prymaat Conehead: [ sarcastic ] Oh, my. Your costumes are so frightening. Here. Accept these treats. [ thrusts the beer and fried eggs into their bags, then slams the door shut ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends and their Halloween activities.

Prymaat Conehead: Activities?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. The emersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyant fruit with a major orifice.

Prymaat Conehead: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: But, Mom..

Prymaat Conehead: [ standing ] Beldar!

Beldar Conehead: [ marches into the living room, gruff ] Prymaat. Why have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is only the 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.

Prymaat Conehead: Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.

Beldar Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!

Beldar Conehead: Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this human activity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable that the High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under the Moons of Mipzor. Now, that's a party! All the gellato spirots will be harvested and smoked.

Connie Conehead: So what? Big deal!

Prymaat Conehead: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I first saw Beldar's cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued and captured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.

Beldar Conehead: This miserable Earth festival is nothing but a ritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the night demanding small consumables.

[ the doorbell rings again, as they all scream ]

Prymaat Conehead: The little humans. Beldar, go brief them and dispense the consumables.

Beldar Conehead: [ opens door to two adults ] Greetings. Enter. Accept these treats - beer and fried eggs.

Prymaat Conehead: Aren't you humans a little old for this sort of thing?

Carl van Arsdale: Well, we're not trick-or-treating. I'm Carl van Arsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We're Block Parents, here at Parkwood Heights.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. I know your family's just moved into the neighborhood, and I'm sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. I don't know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do not give licquor to minors!

Carl van Arsdale: Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs of brewski in the children's trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriously considering reporting this to the police, Mr...?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and our young one, Connie.

Prymaat Conehead: We're from France!

Carl van Arsdale: Oh. You're from France? Well, that could explain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at an earlier age..

Connie Conehead: Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing you this anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to.. conform to the Halloween rites.

Prymaat Conehead: We will cease dispensing the canned consumables. It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?

Sharlene van Arsdale: Chicken embryos?

Carl van Arsdale: Fried eggs, honey.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Fried eggs as treats? Well.. I guess it's alright..

Beldar Conehead: We invite you to stay with us. We will honor your Halloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.

[ the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table ]

Carl van Arsdale: Hey, uh.. no thanks. We already had a few pieces of vegetable orb pie!

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We love your costumes.

Carl van Arsdale: Yeah.

[ the van Arsdales exit ]

Connie Conehead: Humans. They're not essentially party organisms.

Beldar Conehead: Correct. Shall we begin?

[ the three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast ]

[ fade to black ]

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