Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4







77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Professional School Of Football

Spokesman.....Garrett Morris

[ open on green-screen graphic people standing around the city ]

[ Spokesman dissolves over the scene ]

Spokesman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere, do-nothing job? Well, if so -- this is YOUR opportunity... to start an exciting new career in the world of professional football, by enrolling NOW in the Professional School of Football.

[ Professional School of Football slide appears on green-screen ]

Professional football players make BIG money! They sign lucrative contracts for endorsing products on television, they are famous, and they get to go out with BEAUTIFUL movie stars and stewardesses! Mmm-hmm. Oh! And they eat BIG steaks, man! Now, we're not saying that anyone can be a pro ball player. You've GOT to have the natural talent... [ he holds up test booklet ] AND you can take this easy test to see if you have an exciting career waiting YOU... in professional football. Now, here's two sample questions here:

[ over green screen ] Now -- complete this sentence:

"When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get...

A) Going
B) Cranky
C) Groin Injuries

You'll be surprised how many people say C. BUT -- if you said A) "The Tough Get Going", then you have the mentality it takes to be a pro football player!

Now, try this question:

You are the quarterback, it is Third Down and Fifteen. Do You:

A) Pass
B) Complain
Or C) Sustain a Groin Injury?

You'll be surprised how many people say C). But, if you said A) "Pass", then you have what we call "Football Savvy."

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you enroll at the Professional School of Football, you'll learn EVERY aspect of the game. Such as OFFENSE... and DEFENSE... and how to keep score! And all by MAIL! You'll learn words like: "RED DOG"... "BLITZ"... and "GROIN INJURY".

Send for your FREE test booklet to:

[ dissolve to SUPER card ]

Professional School of Football Box 32 Knee Brace, Wyoming 14004

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: See you at Baxter Street!

[ dissolve to audience balcony shot, zoom in on Charles Grodin staring confusedly into the camera as he applauds, with SUPER: "This Week's Host!" ]

[ fade ]


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