Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4











77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Samurai Dry Cleaners

Samurai Futaba.....John Belushi
Female Customer.....Gilda Radner
Male Customer.....Charles Grodin

[ open on interior, dry cleaners, Futaba standing behind open press ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of...

[ Futaba slams the press down and yells as steam pours out ]

Announcer: "Samurai Dry Cleaner".

[ Futaba holds up the pressed obi and admires his work, as a couple enters ]

Female Customer: Uh -- excuse me, uh -- we're here to pick up our shirts? You said you'd have them ready by today.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: Oh, uh, yes -- Dear, do you have the ticket?

Male Customer: Uh -- yes. [ he reaches into his pocket ] Here.

Female Customer: There yo go.

Futaba: Ah!

[ Futaba glances at the ticket, then begins to thrust his samurai sword at a rackful of clothes hanging ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, impressed ] Look how he handles the sword.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Shhhhh.

[ Futaba grunts as he crooks the shirt on the sword and carries it to the counter ]

Female Customer: Oh, that's wonderful! You did a great job! [ she looks over the shirt ] Oh, wait a minute, look at that spot.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Right there! Look at that! I mean, you said you could get that out!

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: I mean, you PROMISED! I was COUNTING on it!

[ Futaba screams and holds his hari-kari in front of his chest ]

Female Customer: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE!!

[ Futaba holds his pose and looks up at her with a worried expression on his face ]

Female Customer: It's not that important!

[ Futaba pulls the sword away and wipes his brow in relief ]

Futaba: [ grunts a question ]

Female Customer: Oh, yeah, that's a great idea! We'd love it in a box!

Charles Grodin: [ leaning in ] How do you understand what he's saying?

Gilda Radner: Shhhh!

[ Futaba chuckles, then grabs the shirt and a disassembled box, throws them into the air and thrusts his sword at them with a yell. He then reaches behind the counter to pick up a giftwrapped box with the shirt inside. ]

Charles Grodin: [ studying the scene ] That was pre-arranged, wasn't it?

Gilda Radner: Shhhhh!

Futaba: Hmm?

Charles Grodin: No, I mean, it had to be. You had to have it propped down there, because... it's a GREAT gag, but it had to be placed down there and brought up to you, right?

[ Grodin retreats as Radner and Belushi give him dirty looks before proceeding with the scene ]

Female Customer: Um -- listen -- I'd like to know, how much do you charge for bedspreads?

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh... [ he attempts to read Belushi's line on the cue cards ]

Gilda Radner: Chuuuuuck! Chuck! Those are John's lines!

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ reading ] "John". Oh, I'm sorry. You know, John, it's such an INCREDIBLE character that... I'm sorry! You're very, very good at this character! It's just that... it's terrific make-up, it's very authentic. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: [ to Belushi, as her character ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ she turns to Grodin ] Come on. Let's go, Chuck.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Charles Grodin: It's a funny idea, John. It's an excellent scene.

Gilda Radner: Come on, let's go...

[ Radner shuffles Grodin out the door, as a disgusted Futaba raises his sword and slices the counter in two ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of... "Samurai Dry Cleaner"!

[ the camera shakily pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: "Prime Time Audience Reject" ]

[ fade ]


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