Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6














77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Franken & Davis Show

.....Al Franken
.....Tom Davis
Jackie Onassis.....Gilda Radner
.....Tom Schiller
.....Marilyn Suzanne Miller

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It's time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here's Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Together: Thank you!!

Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new "Franken & Davis Show", but that they're really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.

Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we've brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they'd get a kick out of --

[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]

Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on "The Ed Sullivan Show".

[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]

Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: "The Lockheed Comedy Hour".

[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine's "F&D Mania" cover story ]

Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.

[ cut to photo #3: title card for "I'm Frankenbaum -- He's O'Davis" ]

Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom "I'm Frankenbaum -- He's O'Davis". It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh -- soon after, Tom and I, uh -- well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let's not belabor them.

[ cut to photo #4: National Enquirer headline: "WE HATE EACH OTHER" ]

Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways --

[ cut to photo #5: poster: "The Concert For Bangladesh" ]

Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my "Feed the Children" program.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Tom Davis: I think a lot of that "Feed the Children" money is still in escrow. I think. Isn't that right, Al?

Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn't, uh, mention that...

Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic --

[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]

Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our... close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.

Tom Davis: That's right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that's our special guest star on "The FRanken & Davis Show"! Won't you give a warm welcome... to Jackie Onassis!

[ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]

Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.

Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!

Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh -- as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.

Tom Davis: Well, I think we're all great admirers of him.

Jackie Onassis: Well, uh -- I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.

Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.

Tom Davis: That's -- that's right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn't for this lady right here, I wouldn't be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.

Al Franken: That's right...

[ dissolve to the flashback, set inside Tom's lavish Palm Springs apartment ]

Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately... for me.

[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom's celebrity guests ]

Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya'! So, the guy said --

Tom Davis: He said, "Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we've only got twenty minutes 'til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!"

Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie's joke about the 500-pound gorilla!

Tom Davis: I'm sorry, Jackie -- go ahead.

Jackie Onassis: That's alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: "Anywhere he wants!"

[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]

Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom's making!

[ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he's choking ]

Al Franken: Wha -- what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades!

[ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ]

[ Tom holds up one finger ]

Al Franken: First word! First word!

[ Tom holds up the turkey ]

Al Franken: Sounds like...

[ Tom points at his neck ]

Al Franken: Neck!

Jackie Onassis: Collar!

Al Franken: Throat! Uh -- uh -- choking!

[ Tom now encourages Al on ]

Al Franken: Sounds like "choking"!

Jackie Onassis: Uhhh -- choking -- smoking -- OH! Tom's choking! He's choking!

[ everyone laughs at Tom ]

[ Tom pushes all the plates and utensils aside, clears a swatch of tablecloth and begins pouring gravy on it ]

Jackie Onassis: Wait a minute, what are --

Tom Schiller: Wait a minute! He's writing something with the gravy!

Jackie Onassis: What is it?

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Oh! Chicken!

Jackie Onassis: Chicken?

Al Franken: What's he saying? Chun King! You want Chinese food?

Woman: Tokyo?

[ Tom breakings down the two syllables with the gravy boat ]

All: CHO-KING! CHO-KING! CHO-KING!

Al Franken: Choking!

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Choking!

Al Franken: Choking!

Jackie Onassis: [ frightened ] OH, MY GOD!! TOM'S CHOKING!!

Al Franken: OH, NO!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?!

[ Tom grabs Al and demonstrates the Heimlich Maneuver; Al, of course, doesn't get it ]

Al Franken: YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU? DANCE WITH YOU? NO?!

[ Tom shoves Al aside ]

Jackie Onassis: [ running forward ] OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! I UNDERSTAND!! WAIT A MINUTE!! LIKE THIS!!

[ Jackie grabs Tom from behind and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge chunk of food flies out of Tom's mouth. Everyone "eughs". ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks a lot! Good night!

Al Franken: Good night! Good night, everybody!

[ pull out to wide shot, with SUPER: "coming up next... Overcoming Your Fear of Widths" ]

[ fade ]


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