77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
The Rickey Rat Club
Written by: Michael O'Donoghue
Mr. Mike... Michael O'Donoghue
Willard... Bill Murray
Ben... Garrett Morris
Stinky... Laraine Newman
Slezeball... John Belushi
Phlegma... Jane Curtin
Scumbo... Dan Aykroyd
Annette... Gilda Radner
Bucky... Buck Henry
[Open on MR. MIKE seated in an armchair]
Mr. Mike: Hi. I'm Mr. Mike. Perhaps you remember me from my impression of Mike Douglas plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into his eyes. Or perhaps, from my impression of Tony Orlando and Dawn plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. Or maybe from my impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. But enough about me, and on with the show. Are you ready, Rat-keteers?
Offstage Shouts: READY, MR. MIKE!!!
Mr. Mike: OK, then it's time for Mr. Mike's Rickey Rat Club!
[Dissolve to a drum satirizing the 1950s "Mickey Mouse Club" logo, with art of a menacing rat and the words RICKEY RAT CLUB. Pull out to see the Rat-keteers- cast members wearing rat ears, noses, and tails- surrounding the drum. They sing a parody of the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme. Behind them, the set is decorated like urban blight. "DANGER CONSTRUCTION AREA" and "POST NO BILLS" are written on the walls]
Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
Stinky: Sammy Slug!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) Rickey Rat-
Stinky: Sammy Slug!
Forever let us hang our rat (???) high,
HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!
Come along and sing our song and join the jamboree,
R-A-T- (two drumbeats)
Bucky: Hey, hey! OK! Rat-keteer roll call, count off now!
[RAT-KETEERS march in a line and call off their names in turn]
Bucky: And Bucky!... Hiya, Rat-keteers!
Rat-Keteers: HIYA, BUCKY!
Bucky: Do you all know what today is?
Rat-Keteers: ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY!
Bucky: That's right, Rat-keteers, and why do we have Anything Bad Can Happen Day?
Rat-Keteers: SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!
Bucky: Thaaat's right! And why is it good for something bad to happen?
Phlegma: 'Cause real life is full of horrible things and the faster we learn to like it, the better!
Bucky: That's right, Phlegm-o[sic], it's a dog-eat-dog jungle out there, and I'm training you kids to come out on the top of the heap, just like Rickey did!
Stinky: Oh, Bucky? Some of us who've never been Rat-keteers before were wondering what happened to the Rat-keteers from last year!
Bucky: Well, Stinky, remember when we helped science by confining all the Rat-keteers in a small, dark closet to see if they'd turn homosexual?
slezeball: Ohhh... You mean on, uh, Overcrowding Day!
Bucky: That's right, Slezeball! Well, the experiment was a big success, and almost all of them came out of the closet!
Phlegma: Anyway, it's FUN being a Rat-keteer!
Annette: Yeah, we love Rickey, 'cause he's not some cute, stupid cartoon mouse like Mickey!
Ben: We love Rickey 'cause he's a rat, and he's real, and he's from Harlem!
slezeball: Yeah! Well, we love him 'cause he came up the hard way, just like Rocky, y'know?
Stinky: Hey! Where IS Rickey?
Rat-Keteers: Yeah! We wanna see Rickey!
Bucky: Okay, Scumbo, Bring out Rickey!
[SCUMBO hands BUCKY a small cage containing a live rat]
Bucky: [attempting to make the rat talk via ventriloquism] "Hiii, Rat-keteers!"
Rat-Keteers: HI, RICKEY!
Scumbo: Wait a minute, Bucky! This isn't the same Rickey from last week!
Stinky: Yeah, this doesn't look like Rickey!
Willard: Well, this ISN'T Rickey! Our Rickey had progressive tail mange!
Bucky: (groping for an alibi) Uh... well! Uh... yeah, that's right! Uh, this is... This is Rickey's twin brother, DICKEY! This is DICKEY Rat!
Scumbo: What happened to Rickey, Bucky?
Bucky: Uh, this week Rickey's been helping science!
Scumbo: Doing what?
Bucky: Testing cyclamates!
Ben: Is that where he is now?
Bucky: No, actually, he's... he's in rat hospital. And he says to say hello, and that you should all make Dickey here feel welcome!
slezeball: Wait a minute, what's wrong with, uhhh, Rickey?
Bucky: Well, he's got this... he's got this sort of little cyst on his little rat liver.
Annette: Well, Bucky, can we visit him?
Bucky: Not today, Annette. He's having some tests done.
Stinky: Well, can we see him tomorrow?
Bucky: It's really not a good idea.
Ben: Well, how about next week?
Bucky: That's doubtful. That's doubtful.
Stinky: Well, will he ever be able to come back to the show again?
Bucky: We'll know on Monday!
Rat-Keteers: "Ohhh," "that's horrible," etc.
Bucky: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did you expect on Anything Bad Can Happen Day? Come on! Snap out of it, Rat-keteers! Is... Hey, is anyone hungry for rat-snacks? Hmm? We've got eggshells, coffee grounds, glass shards, and tick larvae! How about you, Slezeball?
slezeball: Nah, I ate before the show.
Bucky: OK... then are we all set to play "Cheese or Electric Shock?" Phlegma?
Phlegma: No... it hurts too much.
Bucky: (making one last try) OK... who's ready to be exposed to Mister Atomic Waste? Annette?
Annette: Not me, I hate games that make my hair fall out!
Bucky: (exasperated) You know, I had you kids all wrong? I thought you were tough, I thought you could take it! You know, Rickey's gonna be watching this show from his little Rat-ke-hospital bed. And he's sure gonna be disappointed in you.
Rat-Keteers: (ashamed) Ohhh...
Scumbo: We didn't know Rickey'd be watching! Is it too late to help?
Bucky: Well, are you all with me, Rat-keteers?
Bucky: Good! Then after the show, WE can help science and test children's flammable sleepwear!
Bucky: And in the meantime, why don't we sing our goodbye song, to DICKEY?
Rat-Keteers: "OK!" "Sure!" etc.
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our family...
Bucky: See you in the sewer, suckers!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) ...K-E-Y...
Why? Because we're vermin!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) R... A... T!
Bucky: Hey! Why don't we take Dickey out of his cage and give him a big Rat-ke-cheer?
Rat-Keteers: "OK!" "Yeah!" etc.
[They place Dickey on a small trampoline and toss him in the air twice as they cheer]
Yaaaaay, DICKEY RAT CLUB!
[On the third toss, the rat flies into the audience]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod