77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Director ("Bri").....Bill Murray
[Open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. HOWARD stands next to GWEN, who holds a swaddled baby. DIRECTOR enters]
Director: (speaking into headset) OK, I know that. All right, all right. (Addressing Gwen) Gwen, darling! In this scene, you are the bored young mother, OK? You've spent the entire day at home with the baby, and then when your husband, Mr. Monster over here, comes home, he ignores you, OK? It's driving you nuts! You start hitting the old juice a little bit, OK?
Gwen: Ha, ha, ha! Kind of reminds me of my own home!
(all three laugh)
Director: Terrific! All right, Howard? In this one, you're the, uh, psychopathic father, OK? You hate your job, you feel trapped at home, OK? So when you get home, you take it out on your frustrated wife and the helpless baby.
Howard: I gotcha, Bri, I gotcha, pal.
Director: I knew you would, babe. (To the whole set) We're lucky here, we have a terrific bunch! Can we hear it? "Terrifiiic..." Thank you, OK, good! (addressing the infant) Now, Timmy, you are the unwanted infant, OK?
[TIMMY gurgles in response]
Director: You haven't been fed all day, all right? Now what happens, your mom and dad come home, they start fighting, uh-huh, yeah! so you start crying, OK?
[TIMMY gives a sample of his crying]
Director: Yeahhh, baby, all right! Perfect! OK, places everybody, let's go, OK?
[GWEN places TIMMY in his crib at the back of the set as the set is cleared]
Director: All right. (singsong)Al-aaaaaannnn... OK, roll it for me? all right, roll 'em, mark it for me, will you, Tom?
[Tom, the clapper operator, holds up a slate clapper marked for the film "INFANT MOLESTERS"]
Tom: Scene 12, take one!
[Tom claps the clapper]
Director: And we got speed, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a TU-ub, and action!
[Howard and Gwen are now in character, sitting on the couch watching TV]
Gwen: I'm sick of watching the same old thing!
Howard: Be quiet!
Gwen: Can't we ever go and see a movie?
Howard: I said SHUT UP!
Gwen: We never GO anywhere!
Howard: I told you we can't afford a babysitter!
[TIMMY is crying loudly. GWEN goes to fetch him from his crib]
Gwen: Now look what you've done!
Howard: Can't you shut that kid up? I'm trying to watch TV!
[GWEN, holding the baby, goes to the TV and switches it off]
Gwen: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!
Howard: Put that thing back on!
Gwen: I should never have married you! (She gives TIMMY to HOWARD and storms off)
Howard: For once you've said something that's right! (To TIMMY) Oh, shut up... you little brat! You're driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! (He raises TIMMY over his head as if to throw him) SHUUUT UUUUP...
[DIRECTOR walks on the set]
Director: Cut, cut, cut! Good, good, OK, Bring in the stunt baby, OK? (laughter)
[P.A. enters with SKIPPY, the stunt baby]
Director: (yelling offstage) Gwen, that was sensational! (to Howard) perfect, Howard!
Howard: Thanks, Bri!
Director: Thank you! Can we take a look? (looking at SKIPPY) Ohhh, beautiful! Perfect match! Thank you, makeup, thank you! (to P.A. regarding TIMMY) OK, Take him away, all right. (To SKIPPY) OK, Skippy, how you doin', little tough guy? OK, all right baby, in this scene, you're crying, OK? It's driving Howard crazy. Now Howard's gonna slug you three or four times, OK? Now he's gonna hit you- he's gonna really hit you, OK? Yeah, there's nothin' fakier than a bogus punch, all right? Yeahhhh, this isn't a John Wayne movie, all riiight! OK, now just roll with the punches, he'll rough you up a little bit, and OK, oh! And during all of this... you should be screaming all the time, OK? Lemme hear it...
Director: Aw, come on, a little louder?
[SKIPPY cries a little louder]
Director: All right, OK, save it for the take! OK, good! Good! (hands SKIPPY to HOWARD) Mister tough guy here! Mister twelve pounds, two ounces, yeah! OK, you got your kneepads on? You got your kneepads on? OK, when we finish we're broken for the day, OK? (sing-songy) Nyah nyah nyahhh... OK, tough guy, OK, places everybody- (rolls his forearms, signaling the cameraman to roll film) -and let's roll it!
[TOM enters with clapper]
Tom: Scene 13, take one.
[Tom claps the clapper]
Director: Perfect. Mark? OK, settle in everybody... and... OK, Skippy, start crying... (Skippy cries) ...action!
Howard: Shut up, you little brat... you're driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! SHUUUT UUUUP...
[SKIPPY cries constantly as HOWARD slams him down onto the TV, hits SKIPPY once, slams SKIPPY's head into a 1970's cable-TV box, punches SKIPPY three times, pushes SKIPPY into the face of a grandfather clock, drags SKIPPY's head horizontally along the bars of the crib, drops SKIPPY to the floor, punches SKIPPY four times, and finally picks up SKIPPY and throws him through the living room's picture window.]
Director: OK, cut! I think that's a keeper, don't you, fellas? Nice job, Howard!
Howard: Aw, thank you.
Director: Very nice, very nice. Hey, are you OK back there, Skippy? Hey, Skippinski, where are you, fella? are you ok?
[SKIPPY gurgles wearily]
I think somebody better, uh, take a look after Skippy OK? All right, 8:30 call tomorrow morning, everybody. We're doing the buffalo stampede! Fabulous job, everybody! [Shakes HOWARD's hand] Howard, let's work together again!
[DIRECTOR & HOWARD exchange praise as camera pulls out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: "Coming up next... The Pros and Cons of Schizophrenia"]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod