Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 7













77g: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

.....Jane Curtin
.....Dan Aykroyd
Bellhop.....Garrett Morris
.....Laraine Newman
Eric Severeid.....Bill Murray

Jane Curtin: Tonight on "Weekend Update": Anwar Sadat brushes up on Jewish expressions. This and more coming up on "Weekend Update", next.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on news desk ]

Announcer: And now "Weekend Update", with the Weekend Update news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Good evening, I'm... Dan Aykroyd. And sitting in for Jane Curtin...

Jane Curtin: Is Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: Under a federal government prisoner exchange treaty with Mexico, Americans in Mexican prisons are being sent back to prisons in the United States. The first group arrived in California yesterday, in keeping with the goodwill and spirit of the holiday season. The U.S. is sending Mexico an equal number of Santa Clauses, who will be thrown into Mexican prisons in time for Christmas.

Egyptian President Anwar L. Sadat, this week, attacked Arab nation critics of his Israeli peace proposal. He said those that are casting doubts on what is happening are dwarfs. Sadat is shown here addressing his critics face-to-face.

After fourteen years of controversy, Americans are still not satisfied that we have accurate understanding of how President Kennedy died. Admitting that they might need additional outside help in this investigation, the CIA has appealed, oddly enough, to the committee who conducted a recent inquest of the Steve Beego case in Pretoreous, South Africa. Their findings? Jhon Kennedy died of natural causes. His head wound was self-inflicted, and Lee Harvey Oswald died as a result of a hunger strike, clearing the Dallas Police Department of negligence, as originally reported. Thank God now we have the answers, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: I'll say, Jane!

Well, NBC is reviving that classic comedy of yesteryear -- "The Amos N' Andy Show". The TV program had been cancelled in the late 1950's, due to objections from Black pressure groups. But the network now feels that the new show has changed the derogatory racial stereotypes to project a positive image of the Afro-American community. The series is retitled "To Be Young, Black, Gifted, and Funny." Amos, a typical Black brain surgeon, and Andy, a gullible Olympic swimming coach, fall easy prey to the get-rich-quick schmes of the Kingfish, a wily Wall Street investment broker. One mahor change: Calhoun, the idealistic civil rights lawyer, is now a woman and will be played by Olivia Newton-John with shoe polish all over her face!

In a related story: Black Panther co-founder Huey Newton spoke to reporters and offered interesting insight into the Black movement of the 60's, stating that originally the Panthers were going to be called The Ducks, an organization that Huey co-founded with his brithers Louie, Dewey, and Uncle Donald. [ cartoon picture appears ] And there's that picture we were waiting for! Huey, Dewey, Louie, Uncle Donald. Duck bird. The Bleegle boys!

Jane Curtin: I sure do, Dan! Our next story comes...

[ a bellhop enters the set ]

Bellhop: Caaaaalllll foooorrrrr Garrrrrettttt Morrrrrrrissssss!! Call for Garrrrrrett Morrrrrrisssss!!

[ he exits the set ]

Jane Curtin: [ confused ] An Atlanta, Georgia urologist has announced that an operation to reattach the severed penis of a college student was a success. The lucky student reportedly commented that he's glad to be back in school and able to cram for his midterm exams.

Now here's correspondent Laraine Newman, with a special report on lie detection. Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Thank you, Jane. At Ohio University, Roger E. Bennett has tentatively proven that split-second facial expressions, known as micromomentaries, occur at the precise moment a person is telling a lie. He says he can catch the expressions on videotape and, consequently, catch a liar in the ACT of lying by spotting the almost invisible facial expressions. Right now, I shall demonstrate. I will make a statement, and see if you can detect the facial expression that tells you I am lying!

"I had a wonderful time tonight." [ she rolls her eyes upward ]

"This is the first time I've ever done anything like this." [ she opens her mouth and winks ]

"That was a lovely cologne you are wearing." [ she scrunches her face and pinches her nose ]

And: "That was cerainly a delicious dinner." [ she leans over and sticks in her finger down her throat ]

I know you didn't notice anything to give away my true feelings, but Mr. Bennett's videotape method would have revealed them to you immediately. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [ image: Adlai Stevenson ] Adlai Stevenson.

Dan Aykroyd: [ clears his throat ] In Madrid, last week... King Juan Carlos -- excuse me -- issued a royal decree, which abolished all film censorship, and paved the way for establishment of Spain's first X-rated movie industry. Reaction from other Spanish officials was instant and widespread, except for Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who, after almost two years, was still too dead to make a statement.

Well,despite what we may be led to believe, things aren't always that bleak behind the Iron Curtain. There was a festive ceelbration yesterday in Bulneck, Bulgaria, where the winner of the Balkan International Fancy Dress Ball claimed his prize of two tons of uncut beef jerky.

Jane Curtin: Last week, Eric Severeid, who gave nightly editorials on the "CBS Evening News" for fourteen years, retired from that program because he reached CBS' mandatory retirement age of 65. Tonight, Mr. Severeid asked if he could be on "Weekend Update" to give one last editorial, on the question of Mandatory Retirement Age.

Eric Severeid: While it may not be true that, just as you cannot teach old dogs new tricks, so you cannot teach a generation of young video addicts to read. There is no small agreement among educators that television has REPLACED the written word, and that McKuen's global village is, if not totally, illiterate, then certainly less literate than the world that existed before television.

What does this all mean? It means that a MAJORITY of Americans born after a war fought to preserve freedom of the press, cannot follow the words, phrases, sentences, clauses, and awkward speech patterns of a 65-year old broadcast journalist geared to literary constructions of an era gone by.

Mandatory retirement age is not really a question here. William Paley, than man who ultimately made the decision to retire me is my elder, and yet continues to chair the CBS board. Perhaps the very reason the network finds itself in the embarrassing position of third among three. What is a question is my relative viability as a television journalist. Some argue that I often make perfect sense, illuminating subtle nuances of conjecture upon the great problems of the day. Others would argue the opposite, that my use of tired syntax and sentence structure, coupled with the staccato and often singsong delivery, make these editorials incomprehensible and an exercise in futility, like so many grains of sand against he tides of the ocean. I have no strong argument with either proposition. I have always seen my primary duty as one of illucidation and not application, and so I accept the decision of CBS with the feeling that Adlai Steveson may have put best, when after his disastrous second defeat at the hands of Dwight David Eisenhower, said, "It hurts too much to laugh, and I'm too old to cry."

From New York, this was Eric Severeid. Thank you... and goodbye.

Jane Curtin: That's the news. [ as Dan holds up a cue card ] And to our cue card man Al Siegel: Get well.

Dan Aykroyd: Get well soon.

[ Dan puts the cue card down, then reaches over to shake Jane's hand and collapses headfirst onto the news desk ]


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