Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8










77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Elderly Girlfriend

Mom.....Jane Curtin
Dad.....Dan Aykroyd
Jeff.....John Belushi
Sharon.....Miskel Spillman

[ open on Mom and Dad drinking egg nog in front of the Christmas tree ]

Mom: It's going to be so nice having Jeffy home from college. Oh, and I'm dying to meet his girlfriend, aren't you?

Dad: I know.. he's never really been serious about a girl before. It's funny, you know.. [ laughing ] I never really discussed the subject of sex with him ever - and now he's like a married man!

Mom: Well, your son goes to college, leaves home, he's bound to grow up.

Dad: Things sure changed since I was a kid!

Mom: [ hears sound from outside, smiles ] That's Jeff's Volkswagen van, I know it!

Dad: [ runs to the door ] I hope he's still doing his own tune-up.

Jeff: [ bursts through door with suitcase ] Hi, Dad!

[ they hug ]

Dad: Welcome home!

Jeff: [ drops suitcase ] I'm just gonna leave my stuff here - I gotta go help Sharon with the rest of her stuff! I'm dying for you to meet her! [ runs back out ]

Dad: Come on in, it's cold out there!

[ Jeff re-enters with elderly girlfriend, his parents don't seem to mind or notice ]

Jeff: Sharon, this is my Mom and my Dad.

Sharon: Wow, I've heard so much about you!

Mom: Well, we've been dying to meet you, Sharon! Let me take your coat.

Sharon: Alright!

Dad: [ laughing ] I hope Jeff hasn't made his old man sound like too much of an ogre!

Sharon: Oh, he really looks up to you.

Jeff: Look, I thought I'd take our stuff up to my room..

Mom: Well, I thought Sharon could stay in your room, and you could sleep on the fold-out couch.

Jeff: Aw, come on, Mom.. we'll sleep together in my old room. I mean, we live together - why should it make any difference here at home?

Dad: Jeff, you're in our house now, and as long as you're under our roof you'll abide by our rules.

Mom: If you two love each other and live together, why don't you get married?

Jeff: Well, I wanted to.. but Sharon thought it would put too much pressure on our relationship.

Sharon: It's not out of the question, but not just yet.

Jeff: Yeah..

Mom: [ to Dad ] Well, why don't you and Jeff go upstairs to have a little talk? And that'll give me and Sharon a chance to get acquainted.

Jeff: Okay.. I'm sorry my parents are like this, Sharon.

Sharon: Oh, that's okay. My parents are like that, too.

Jeff: Yeah.

Dad: Come on, Jeff.. [ they retreat upstairs ]

Mom: Come on, Sharon. [ they sit on the couch ] Now.. I understand you're an upperclassman at the university?

Sharon: That's right.

Mom: And you're majoring in Theatre?

Sharon: Yes, but I'm also going to teach.

Mom: Oh.. so you'll have something to fall back on.

Sharon: Something to fall back on!

Mom: Exactly! Exactly! Now, I suppose you think that Jeff's father and I are a little old-fashioned..

Sharon: Oh, that's okay. I'm a bit old-fashioned myself.

Mom: Sharon, have you ever been in love before?

Sharon: Yes. Twice.

Mom: Well, you know.. as a mother speaking, I'm only looking out for Jeff. He's a very sensitive boy, and I just don't want him to get hurt.

Sharon: I understand.

Mom: Oh, Sharon, I think you and I are going to get along just fine!

[ the men return downstairs ]

Dad: Well, Jeffy and I came to a decision. [ sits ] I give in. You two lovebirds can stay upstairs. I'm just glad my own mother isn't alive to see it.

Mom: [ standing ] Okay, everybody, dinner will be ready in about.. [ checks watch ] ..half-an-hour!

Jeff: Oh..

Sharon: Okay, Jeff, let's go upstairs.

Jeff: Thirty minutes? Uh.. Mom, Dad, that's okay?

Mom: Sure.

Jeff: Okay, let's bolt!

[ Jeff and Sharon run upstairs, as the scene zooms out ]

[ SUPER: "Will Santa Claus Visit San Clemente?" ]


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