Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8








77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

E. Buzz Miller's Art Classics

.....Buck Henry
.....Miskell Spillman

Announcer: And now, Public Access Cable Television Channel D presents.. "E. Buzz Miller's Art Classics".

[ dissolve to E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina sitting on a couch in a darkened room ]

E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel D, this is "Art Classics". I'm your host, E. Buzz Miller. And my lovely guest to my left here is Miss Christie Christina, and she's opening at the Coach & Pull Bar tomorrow night. But enough talk, let's get right to tonight's art classics.

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of naked woman lying on a bed ]

E. Buzz Miller: Now, the first one here is called Venus of Irbino, and it was painted in 1538 by a guy in Venice. And, this is for real, his name is spelled T-I-T-I-A-N. Titian! Honest to God!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: He's a very famous respected artist, and this is a bona fide art treasure. And I don't think anybody could disagree that this is a really nice painting of a broad on a couch! How about you, Christie? You're an artist.

Christie Christina: Well.. I'm an artist and an entertainer! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, right! [ laughs ]

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ] But I think she's very heavy.

E. Buzz Miller: Well, of course.. but, back then, that's the way they liked them. You know.

Christie Christina: Oh. [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a gathering in the woods ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, here's another one, painted by the same guy - Titian. He painted these broads in 1555, so.. it's a classic! As you can see, he was a master of lights, colors and shapes. And, uh, we blew up this picture here with a little more detail. [ holds up superimposed painting of the sole naked woman in the original painting ] What do I see there, Christie? I see something there. Do you see something there?

Christie Christina: Yes, I do! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: [ points to the woman's pointed nipple ] Right.. there! You see? He didn't leave a thing off, did he!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of a small angel climbing onto a naked woman ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, moving on to the 17th, 18th century - I'm not sure. Uh.. this is by a French guy called . It's called Love Disarmed, it was painted in the 17th or 18th century - who cares! It's a timeless art classic! You know, legitimate art! You pay a fortune for them in a museum, you know? Now, these French, they started early. Just look at that little guy there. He looks like quite an operator! [ laughs ] Look like he knows what he's doing! What do you think he's doing there, Christie?

Christie Christina: I don't know! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: I'll bet you don't! [ laughs ] Okay, a couple of quickies.

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of another woods gathering ]

E. Buzz Miller: This one here is an Impressionistic piece - it's by Manet, an Impressionist, a French guy. And this is a very famous painting - art classic - called Le Dejenoai ser Larbe. Which means, Picnic in the Woods. Now, you look close. These two guys are having lunch.. and this broad hasn't got a stitch on! Bon appetit, boys! [ laughs ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a buxom bouse hanging from a rack behind a pair of high hell shoes ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, now this, this is kinda crazy. This is a futuristic surrealist painting, by another French guy - - he did this in 1947.. and I-I-I don't know why I like this one so much, it's kinda crazy. What do you think, Christie?

Christie Christina: Well.. it looks like something you'd buy in a novelty store.

E. Buzz Miller: Where the heck, did'ya get that? [ looking at the painting again ] Oh, I see, like one of those plastic things hanging up on the - Yeah, I see that!

Well, we've just about run out of time. Coming up next on Public Access Channel D: "Father Tim McCarthy's Pause For Thought". So, you'll wanna watch that, okay? And, uh, we're gonna go out now, with my personal little statue here, the Venus De Milo. [ holds up the famous statue ] A very famous sculpture that's had its arms missing for thousands of years, but nobody seems to mind - I know I don't! [ laughs ] This is E. Buzz Miller and Christie saying good night!

Christie Christina: Good bye! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: She is a sweetheart! [ rubs Venus de Milo's marble nipple ]

[ camera pans away from set, zooms up to random audience member ]

[ SUPER: "Showers With Enemies" ]

[ fade to black ]


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