Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8








77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

American Date the Self-Concious Association

Man.....Bill Murray
Woman.....Gilda Radner
Spokeswoman.....Laraine Newman
Charlie Glatt.....John Belushi
Steve Larne.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a dramatic re-enactment by the American Date the Self-Concious Association.

[ dissolve to a self-concious man and woman sitting on a couch, self-concious in all areas - sniffing her arms, checking his pants zipper, checking their breath, fiudgeting on the couch as much as possible in order to avoid having to say anything ]

Man: Did you - did you say something?

Woman: I-I'm sorry.. what?

[ they continue to fidget, as we dissolve to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Acute self-conciousness can be tragic. Of course, everybody is self-concious, but not everybody is aware of it. These people are. Painfully so. So, let's watch more closely, as they attempt to make a date for New Year's Eve.

[ dissolve back to the couple fidgeting on the couch ]

Man: Hi, how are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

Man: Fine. How are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

[ a brief, awkward silence, then: ]

Together: Nice day, huh --

Man: [ chuckles ] No, no, go ahead!

Woman: No, no, no --

Man: No, no! I was gonna say, "Go ahead!"

Woman: No, you go ahead, you said --

Man: No, it's alright. I can wait.

Woman: [ nervously ] Um.. look, uh.. uh.. just ignore me, uh.. it's just that, a-a-as I listen to myself, I just hear myself saying, as I listen to myself, and I'm thinking to myself as I listen to myself -- [ stops to laugh ] Oh! That's the third time I've said, "As I listen to myself!" That's four! I said it four times!

Man: [ chuckles with her ] Uh.. th-that's okay, I wasn't listening. No, no, wait! I mean I wasn't listening to the part you didn't want me to hear!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another ]

Man: Uh, uh.. you, uh.. you w-wouldn't w-want to go out with me on New Year's, would ya'? [ shakes his head ] No! Of course not!

Woman: I really w-w-wouldn't be any fun, you'd hate it!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another, as we dissolve back to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Pretty pathetic. These people are much too self-concious ever to get together. Which is a pity, because they have so much in common - they're both twitching wrecks. I understand their pain, because I, too, used to be self-concious. I've just about licked it, except for occasaionally when there are a lot of people, uh.. [ suddenly aware of the studio audience ] ..watching me. [ a beat ] A whole lot of people watching me.. [ raises her left hand to nervously twirl her hair, then moves down to rub her nose ] They're watching me now, aren't they? [ keeps rubbing her nose ] Is something hanging out of my nose? [ losers her hand, smiles nervously ] It's okay.. I'm all right! There's no hope for a happy New Year's for the acutely self-concious. Not unless they're fortunate enough to meet someone so extremely obnoxious, that he or she doesn't notice their acute self-conciousness.

[ camera pans out to reveal an extremely obnoxious man dressed in really loud, obnoxious clothing ]

Spokeswoman: On my left here, is Charlie Glatt, Secretary/Treasurer for the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious.

Charlie Glatt: Hi, how are ya'?

[ he holds out his hand to shake, but he has a joy buzzer hidden in his palm. Spokeswomnan shaes his hand and receives the zap, to Charlie's delight ]

Charlie Glass: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Glad to be here! Glad to be anywhere! Charlie's the name, and charm's the game! Ha haaaa!! As an extremely obnoxious person, I used to strike out with classy broads New Year's after New Year's! Until one lucky day, I met this pathetic lame-o who was so acutely self-concious, she didn't even notice how extremely obnoxious I was! [ laughs, hits his buzzer, twists his cap ]

Spokeswoman: The self-concious know who they are. But extremely obnoxious people don't. [ Charlie continues to make noises and faces next to her ] Or else, they'd be self-concious about it. Maybe you're unsure whether you're obnoxious enough to date the self-concious. If so, why not drop by the League For The Brutally Tactless, and find out for yourself? We're sorry we don't have anybody from the Brutally Tactless League here to speak for themselves, but they refused to be in this public service message because they said it was really stupid. But we are fortunate enough to have with us, a member of the Really Stupid People's Amalgamation, Steve Larne.

[ camera pans out to reveal a stupid man dressed like a dork in a red-and-white sweater and ski cap ]

Steve Larne: [ loudly ] We don't have money for our own TV ad! So give us money and be nice to us, and take us out for New Year's todaaaaay!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the Acutely Self-Concious/Extremely Obnoxious Coalition in conjunction with the League For The Brutally Tactless and with a cameo by the Really Stupid People's Amalgamation.

[ fade ]


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