Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 9











77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Family Feud

Richard Dawson.....Bill Murray
Joe Mel.....Steve Martin
Mrs. Mel.....Gilda Radner
Joe Mel, Jr.....John Belushi
Beldar Conehead.....Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead.....Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead.....Laraine Newman

Announcer: It's time for America's most popular family game show - "Family Feud"! Now, here's your host, former "Hogan's Heroes" regular, Richard Dawson!

Richard Dawson: [ enters the game show set ] Hello, everyone. I hope you're as excited as I'm pretending to be, because we're ready to play "Family Feud". Okay, is everyone ready? Let's meet our first family - the Joe Mels, from El Camino del Ray Mar Vista, California, here they are! [ the Mels run onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Settle down, kids. Hello, Joe, why don't you tell us what you do for a living?

Joe Mel: Hello, Richard, I'm the spokesman for the Romaine Lettuce Growers of California. You know, too many people use iceberg lettuce in their salad, and you'd be surprised just how exciting a salad can be with a little Romaine lettuce!

Richard Dawson: [ playing with his fingernails ] Well, so far, Joe, you're about as exciting as one of your salads.. so let us move on.. [ approaches Mrs. Mel and kisses her ] What do you do?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I teach an assertiveness training class for women in El Camino del Ray Mar Vista. And I cook.

Richard Dawson: Oh? Well, what do you cook?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I cook salads and a lot of Romaine BLTs! We'd love to have you come for dinner!

Richard Dawson: Alright. Well, if I can't make it, I'll send my rabbit.

[ the Mels laugh ]

Joe Mel: You know, we have a rabbit?

Mrs. Mel: We do!

Richard Dawson: Alright.. now here's the cute little son, Joe Mel. Jr. [ pinches Joe, Jr.'s cheek ] He's a sharp little guy, and we're expecting a lot out of you today, little fella!

Joe Mel, Jr.: Aw, can we cut the condescending crap, and play the game?

Richard Dawson: Whatever you say, Joe. [ slaps him in the face ] Okay.. let's meet the opponents - the Beldar Conehead family! [ the Coneheads walk onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Hello, Beldar.

Beldar Conehead: Greetings.

Richard Dawson: Thank you. You're a big fella. What do you do for a living?

Beldar Conehead: I am a driving instructor.

Richard Dawson: And, uh, where do you folks come from?

Beldar Conehead: [ looks at his family ] France! We come from France!

Richard Dawson: Okay. [ approaches Prymaat and kisses her ] Hello there, Mrs. Conehead. What's your name, and what do you do besides keeping Beldar happy?

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat. I maintain our home base and enjoy preparing mass quantities of consumables for my family unit.

Richard Dawson: Well, good luck to you, Prymaat. [ notices Connie ] And this is your lovely daughter. I see where you get your good looks You're French, so I'll give you a French kiss, how's that?

Connie Conehead: [ reaches in for Richard's French kiss ] Oh baby, oh baby..!

Richard Dawson: Well, uh.. they start early in France, what the heck! What's your name, dear? What do you do?

Connie Conehead: My name is Connie. I am 16 earth years old.

Richard Dawson: Alright, there's our families, now let's start the Feud! Joe and Beldar, come on, let's go! [ Joe walks up to the main podium, but Beldar walks in too far ] Okay, Doctor.. we're gonna need a little more room, big fella.. [ guides him to his side of the podium ] There you go, stand behind this line.. Now, here's the Toss-Up question, which we asked 100 people in our studio audience. Try to give the answer they gave the most. Alright? Name something people like to bite.

Beldar Conehead: [ beating Joe to the buzzer ] Protoid Capsules!

Richard Dawson: Protoid Capsules? Alright, that's an interesting answer. I never would have said that. You said that, Big Guy. So, show me "Protoid Capsules"! [ the Coneheads receive a Strike, and sound their dismay ] Tough luck there, fella. [ looks at Beldar's cone head ] That's a very interesting head you have there. What do I do, break it open and let all the presents fall out? Ha ha! [ Beldar looks confused ] Alright, Mel Family! You might be able to steal this one if you tell me something people like to bite.

Joe Mel: [ thinking ] Uh.. Romaine Lettuce!

Richard Dawson: Okay. Show me "Romaine Lettuce"! [ "ROMAINE LETTUCE: 1" appears on the game board ] Alright! One person said "Romaine Lettuce". You're on the board, Mel Family! Are you gonna pass or play?

[ the family considers ]

Joe Mel: Uh.. I can only think of Romaine Lettuce. We're gonna pass.

Richard Dawson: Alright. [ returns to the Coneheads ] Prymaat, what else do you think our survey showed that people like to bite?

Prymaat Conehead: Organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains.

Richard Dawson: [ nonplussed ] It's a long walk back to France if you don't get this one right, Prymaat. Alright.. show me "organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains!" [ "SANDWICH: 12" appears on the game board ] Sandwich! Alright! That's acceptable! Twelve people said Sandwich. Alright, Connie, something that people like to bite.

Connie Conehead: Mmm.. The Big One!

Richard Dawson: Bite the Big One? Alright, does our audience bite the big one? Well, we all want to know that one. Show me "The Big One!" [ "The Big One: 46" appears on the game board ] Alright, you're really rolling now, Coneheads! Now, it's up to you, Beldar. What else do people like to bite?

Beldar Conehead: A trapeze!

Richard Dawson: [ bewildered ] Just out of curiosity, Beldar.. are you people circus folks?

Beldar Conehead: [ turns to his family and repeats Richard Dawson's question in their native language ]

[ the Coneheads laugh at Richard Dawson's question ]

Richard Dawson: Well, I had to ask. Alright.. show me "Trapeze!" [ the Coneheads receive a Strike and sound their dismay ] Alright. Mel Family! [ walks across game show set ] You've got a chance to steal the points and win the game. What's it going to be?

[ the family starts arguing over their answer ]

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Dad, will you just listen to me for once in your life? I'm telling you it's Chicken Neck!

Joe Mel: Will you shut up and let me decide?! [ to Richard ] We'll go with Chicken Neck.

Richard Dawson: Gonna take the advice of Joe, Jr. If you're wrong, the Coneheads will win.

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Chicken Neck!

Richard Dawson: Show me "Chicken Neck!"

[ the Mels get a Strike ]

Mrs. Mel: [ to Joe, Jr. ] You stupid moron! We're sending you to military school!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I wanna go, I wanna go!

Joe Mel: You don't deserve my name!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I don't want it, I don't want it!

Richard Dawson: Well, what a happy, happy bunch of Coneheads! [ the Coneheads press their cones together ] Well, we're awfully sorry, Mel Family, but I guess you lost..

Joe Mel: Well, we knew they'd win when we saw the size of their heads.

Richard Dawson: Well, I'm sure that was said in the best spirit of the game, huh?

Joe Mel: No, it wasn't!

Richard Dawson: Well, nobody cares, because you're losers, what do you think about that? Alright! Beldar Conehead Family, you now have a chance to play for Fast Money! Who's gonna play for it?

Beldar Conehead: I, Beldar, will attempt to obtain Fast Money.

Richard Dawson: Alright, Beldar, let's make some Fast Money! Come on down here! [ Beldar walks to the center of the stage ] Alright, Beldar, I'm gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head.. which will probably be a low-flying plane.

Beldar Conehead: Proceed, human, proceed!

Richard Dawson: [ confused ] Is that like "Go, man, go"? [ the countdown clock starts ticking ] Alright.. name a famous explorer.

Beldar Conehead: Vypron the Insistent. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: The biggest holiday of the year.

Beldar Conehead: The Moons of Mypzor! [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: A place you keep your valuables.

Beldar Conehead: In a muldra iron field.

Richard Dawson: A mode of transportation.

Beldar Conehead: A phone shoe. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Something you eat with eggs.

Beldar Conehead: Fiberglass. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don't feel bad about it, though, you'll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody! [ starts jumping with the Coneheads ]

[ zoom out to fade ]


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