Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

.....Jane Curtin
.....Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna.....Gilda Radner

Dan Aykroyd: [ over image of crashed bus ] Coming up next: Ready Laker announces economy bus service to Miami. This story and more on "Weekend Update" at twelve o'clock.

[ dissolve to black ]

[ open on news set ]

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update". With the "Weekend Update" news team.

Jane Curtin: Before we start the news tonight, we at "Weekend Update" would like to take this opportunity to welcome Mr. Fred Silverman, the new President of NBC. As you know, Mr. Silverman was the programming whiz at ABC, and he has vowed to try to elevate NBC's ratings in the same manner that he did in his previous job. We wish him luck. Now for the news. I'm Laverne Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: I'm Shirley Aykroyd. And now, our top story tonight, of course, has to be about the big snow. Jane?

Jane Curtin: William H. Webster, the federal judge who was nominated Thursday to become the next director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, has not announced whether or not he will give up his membership in the all-male, all-white, mysterious order of the Vale Prophets. However, he did promise to "maintain the high standards and traditions of the FBI." And, reportedly, 20 special agents were assigned to his home this morning to shovel snow, clean out his garage, and to unclog a stubborn kitchen drain.

As part of his recent religious conversion, publisher Larry Flynt has invited evangelist Oral Roberts to join the staff of Hustler Magazine. Today, Roberts accepted the offer and, in a spirit of compromise, has agreed to change his name to Oral Sex.

Dan Aykroyd: What do military men do when peace talks are at a stalemate? Well, during the suspension of Middle East peace talks, Israeli Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan plans to stand in for a retired Yul Brynner in Broadway's hit revival of "The King and I". [ nervously ] See... they look alike, somewhat, the two men...

More developments from the Middle East: The King of Saudi Arabia and the Emir of Kuwait, last week, had their beards epoxied together, in a demonstration of solidarity against Egypt's peace moves. The two Arab leaders say they will stay this way until the controversy is settled, or until they run out of mouthwash -- whichever is sooner.

Making show business news, also, was Leo the MGM lion, who was picked up in Los Angeles this week on a drunk and disorderly charge. The feline executive was reportedly STILL depressed over the death of Bert Lahr, some 10 years ago.

Jane Curtin: Well, Jimmy Carter has been President for a year and a a day. Let's look at the record, shall we? His best friend, Bert Lance had been accused of questionable banking practices; His son, Chip, is having marital problems; His brother, Billy, is a beer-drinking clown; His mother, Lillian, is a wrestling groupie; His White House Staff Chief, Hamilton Jordan, is getting a divorce; his sister, Ruth Carter Stapleton, is associating with Larry Flynt, the pornographer. But, to be fair, let's look at the bright side: Amy's nurse is a convicted murderer. It restores one's faith, doesn't it?

Dan Aykroyd: And, in Louisiana, Frania Tye Lee, began her trial, in which she hopes to be declared the punitive wife of the late H.L. Hunt. Pictured here, Mrs. Lee is recovering from an accident she had in Poland, where her severed arm was sewed back on her body in emergency surgery.

And from Detriot: This week, the Buick division of General Motors recalled 12,000 cars that were mistakenly equipped with bedspreads, which were too long for the engine.

Jane Curtin: And now, with this week's Consumer Report, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna. Welcome, Roseanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thank you, Jane!

Jane Curtin: What areyou going to report on tonight?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane -- Mr. Richard Feder of New York City writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna. I've got no heat. What should I do?" Well, Mr. Feder, I want to help you because I know how you feel. Once, I didn't have no heat, and I was afraid I was gonna come down with the FLU! I had a temperature, I had the chills, I didn't have too many blankets in my apartment. So I went outside to get some SOUP! Because it's supposed to bw good for you if you're clogged up. I go to the restaurant, I order soup, I got it... and wouldn't you know? -- There was a HAIR in it! Can you imagine that? It was about THIS long! [ she holds out her hands ] I thought I was gonna DIE!

Now, let me ask you this: Did you ever eat a hamburger, and there's a HARD thing in it? You know, it's like a toenail? And you know it's not part of the hamburger, but you separate the meat and the pickle and the lettuce and the tomatoes all one side of your mouth, 'til, finally, you get it on your tongue -- that little thing. And it's like a bone! But it's NOT a bone! I keep asking myself: "Roseanne Roseannadanna... If they can make a coffee you like, without caffeine, why can't they make a HAMBURGER you like with NO TOENAIL?!"

Jane Curtin: What?!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Wait a minute! And what about when you get some fried chicken? You got a thigh, you got a breast, you got a leg, you got a wing... and then you got this other part, that's got about two inches of breading on it, you know? And after you eat all the breading off of it, you don't know what you got there!

And did you ever eat roast beef that had a rainbow on it? You know what I mean? It's blue? How did they get that color? Did someone leave the beef out in the rain?! [ she laughs ]

You know what else I hate? Soft-boiled egg! There's that goopy part that goes up and down, and up and down... You can't keep it on your fork, it falls out of your fork onto your plate, and then it falls onto the spoon, and then onto the plate again... then it goes on your food again, then it goes onto the floor -- so you gotta wipe it off and eat it off a TOWEL!!

And let me ask you this: Did you ever --

Jane Curtin: [ stopping her ] Roseanne?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you want?

Jane Curtin: You're making me sick...

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: You're making me NAUSEOUS, with all this talk about FOOD and HAIR! What does this got to do about a guy with no HEAT?!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane... It all goes to show you... that it's always something! It's like my father used to say to me when I was a little tiny girl, before I went to sleep. He'd say, "Roseanne Roseannadanna... it's a jungle out there. Every dog has his day. You made your bed, so now you've gotta sleep in it. Don't bite the hand that feeds you! When the going gets tough, the tough gets going! Don't cry over spilt milk! And it's 6 of 1, half-a-dozen of the other! Tomorrow's another day. Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna!"

Jane Curtin: Roseanne... I think that, uh... I think that your father was right when he said, "Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna."

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, look, Jane -- How would you like to have dnner with me tonight?

Dan Aykroyd: I would... Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [ laughing ] Alright!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant day tomorrow.

[ Dan shrugs, attempting to explain himself to Jane ]

Announcer: "Weekend Update" is a presentation of "Saturday Night News", keeping America informed for nover a fiftieth of a century.

[ fade ]

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