Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Nick at The Powder Room

Nick "Winters".....Bill Murray
Marilyn.....Gilda Radner
Paul.....John Belushi
Heinz Kleimer.....Robert Klein
Mrs. Lyman.....Laraine Newman
Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky.....Dan Aykroyd
Paul the Pianist.....Paul Shaffer

[ open on Nick "Winters" singing the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey" in the Powder Room at Meatloaf Mountain ]

Nick "Winters": [ amidst his light applause ] Thank you very much! I always open with a little something by a guy named Ricard Strauss called "Twenty-oh-One". Welcome to the Powder Room, everybody, up here at beautiful Meatloaf Mountain. I'm Nick "Winters", and I'm here to entertain you, so sit back, have a hot-buttered rum, and let it happen. [ looks at the first table ] Now, what do I see down here in the front? We've got a cute little girl here with a cast on her leg! [ kneels down in front of her ] Honey, why did you bother to come up to Meatloaf with a broken leg?!

Marilyn: I.. I broke it today. This is my vacation.

Nick "Winters": Oh, that's terrible.. I guess we'll be seeing a lot of you here in the Powder Room, huh? I'm sure everybody wants to know: What's your name, and how did you do it?

Marilyn: Well.. um.. I'm Marilyn Sunberg, and I rented my skis and boots here at Meatloaf Mountain.. and my binders were too tight, and I broke my leg walking over to the toe lift.

Nick "Winters": Oh-h-h.. Bummer-ski, huh, everybody? That is awful! Well, the guys in rental are really good. It must have been some sabotage of some sort by disgruntled skiiers, or something - it happens! [ grabs a pencil ] Hey! I am gonna autograph your cast here, if you don't mind.. something that I always sign. [ signs the cast ] "Don't Eat Yellow Snow - Nick Winters." Alright, honey? You're welcome, kitten. Hey, who's this crazy dude - your old man?

Paul: Uh.. Paul Sunburg. I'm from.. uh.. Minneapolis.

Nick "Winters": Uh-huh? And what do you do, besides babysit for Marilyn, here?

Paul: I'm a Chemical Purchaser for the Ice Masters salt company. Here's my card.. uh.. you can use the product here at Meatloaf Mountain, you know..?

Nick "Winters": [ taking the card ] Bueno, my amigo. We'll put this up over the bar, with some of the other cards. [ stands up ] Mr. and Mrs. Sunberg, this next song is going to be for you, because I hope that leg heals and you're back on the slope in a couple of weeks. Oh, that cast makes me sad.. [ singing ] "Ohhh, don't it make my brown eyes.. don't it make my brown eyes.. don't it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue-ue.." You know, actually they're hazel! [ singing ] "Don't it make my brown eyes.. don't it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue!" [ glances across the room ] Just a second.. we have a celebrity in the audience tonight! It's Heinz Kleimer.. with a snowbunny, obviously.. he's the head of the Ski Patrol. Up to a little bit of night hotdogging tonight, Heinz? [ laughs ]

Heinz Kleimer: Not particularly. I just came to cash my paycheck.

Nick "Winters": You know, at 9:30 tonight, Heinz will lead the ski school and home patrol in the Torch Snake Dance, all the way down in Bear Run. Let's see if he's in any kind of position to pull it off. Tell me, Heinz, where did the Snake Torch Dance originate?

Heinz Kleimer: As a matter of fact, Nick, the Snake Torch originated in Zurmont, Switzerland during the World War, as a signal to allied bombers.

Nick "Winters": A little bit of history, everybody. Is that true?

Heinz Kleimer: No. I just said that because you will believe anything, and you are a pimp! And if you don't leave me alone, I shall strike you!

Nick "Winters": Okay. And who is this pretty snowmuffin with you, Heinz? [ holds the microphone in front of her, as she mumbles something ] Excuse me, what? [ she mumbles again ] I'm sorry.. can you say it one more time?

Mrs. Lyman: Mrs. Lyman!

Nick "Winters": Oh! Mrs. Lyman. Oh, I see.. are you still married, Mrs. Lyman?

Mrs. Lyman: Yes. My husband is exhausted, and I don't ski.

Nick "Winters": I see.. Well, you'll make friends with Heinz here, he'll give you a couple of free lessons and have you up on the boards in no time. Mrs. Lyman, how about a request?

Mrs. Lyman: [ covering her face ] No!

Nick "Winters": Well, there are never any requests, I guess.. because there's only one way everybody wants it, and that's with plenty of snow! [ singing ] "Awww.. that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.." Six inches of powder! [ singing ] "That's the way.." With a 50-inch base! [ singing ] "..I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh! Oh, that's the way we all like it!" [ a sound is heard outside ] Uh-oh, wait a second. You hear what I hear? It's the Snowcat. The Meatloaf Mountain Snowcat, owned and operated by our own Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky, the guy who manages all the slopes and runs the snowguns and makes sure none of you dudes hit any rocks out there. He comes in every night about this time to give us the snow report - let's give him a warm welcome! Come on! Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky!

Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky: [ enters the room to applause ] Hello, Nick! Look what I got here! [ holds up a frozen porcupine ]

Nick "Winters": [ excited ] Whoa-oa! What is that?!

Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky: It's a porcupine! I was going down Bear Run, doing about 50 in the Snowcat, and he ran right out in front of me, he froze! I hit him with the snow pocker, he's frozen up solid now. But, you know, you can make a good soup on the quills, you know?

Nick "Winters": Well, how are the snow conditions for tomorrow? You know, one good thing about Indians is that they always know when it's going to snow, and I love that! It's terrific! What do you think about tomorrow?

Jimmy "Joe Red" Sky: Well, my nose says it's gonna snow tomorrow. You see the veins sticking out? I guess you'll get about 3 to 6 inches - I know, because I'm gonna be out there making it with my Snowguns. I need a drink! [ walks to the bar ]

Nick "Winters": Okay, and this one's on Nick "Winters", if you would, Herbert.. thank you. Well, great, there you have it.. hey, everybody, snow tomorrow.. but let's think powder and lots of it, please? Who's a powder animal? [ hands are raised ] Everybody! Alright, Pauly, you ready to play a little bit of music?

Paul the Pianist: No?

Nick "Winters": Hey, wait a minute! This is the Nick "Winters" show, and I do the entertaining, thank you! Let's go out with something really hot for these folks, alright? A big hit on the '77. [ singing ] "Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars.. don't let them end! Ah.. Star Wars! If they should bar wars.. please let these Star Wars stay-ay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask - did he scare you as much as he scared me-e-e-e?" [ turns and screams when he finds Paul the Pianist wearing a Darth Vader mask ] My seventh winter up here! [ singing ] "Star Wars-s-s-s!"

[ the crowd applauds as the camera zooms into the audience, stops at hairy man with SUPER: "Unemployed Snowman" ]

[ fade ]

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