Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11










77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Olympia Cafe

Female Customer.....Jane Curtin
Male Customer.....Garrett Morris
Pete Dionasopolis.....John Belushi
George Dionasopolis.....Dan Aykroyd
Sandy Dionasopolis.....Laraine Newman
Nico Dionasopolis.....Bill Murray
Female Customer #2.....Gilda Radner
Male Customer #2.....Robert Klein

Female Customer: I'll have a tuna salad sandwich, and an order of French fries, please.

Pete Dionasopolis: No. No tuna.

Female Customer: You're out of tuna?

Pete Dionasopolis: No tuna. Cheeseburger? Come on, come on, come on! I don't have all day, we gotta have turnover, turnover. [ turns to Male Customer ] What are you gonna have?

Male Customer: Uh.. I think I'll have grilled cheese and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. [ turns to kitchen ] Grilled cheese?

George Dionasopolis: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: Uh.. cheeseburger and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh, no Coke - Pepsi.

Male Customer: Okay, uh.. Pepsi, and french fries.

Pete Dionasopolis: No fries - chips.

Male Customer: Okay, chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi, one chip!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi! Chip! [ throws them onto the counter ]

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to Female Customer ] What do you want?

Female Customer: I'll have a cheeseburger and a small Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. no Coke - Pepsi.

Female Customer: Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Sandy Dionasopolis: [ approaches counter with order ] Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, four Pepsi, chip.

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: [ sits down at counter ] Hi ya, Pete. I'll have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] Cheeseburger!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: Hey, I get mixed up. Is he your brother? [ points to Nico ]

Pete Dionasopolis: Him? No. My brother, Mike, he's in the back. George, he's my first cousin, but I treat him like a brother. Sandy, she's my second cousin, but I treat her like a first cousin. Him.. [ points to Nico ] ..he's my third cousin, but I treat him like a fourth cousin, because he's vlahos. You know what that means? Stupid. [ phone rings, so Pete picks it up ] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. That to go? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.. No, no fries - chips. Four chips? Pepsi? No Coke. No orange. No grape. Pepsi. Four Pepsi! Okay, ten minutes.

Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I'll have a couple of eggs, and sausage - is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.

Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: No, I don't want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..

Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs - cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.

Male Customer #2: No breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.

Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.

Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don't want a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on - don't give me that. Come on, let's go, let's go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on - cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: I don't want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it's too early for a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look - [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

[ as Pete says "cheeseburger", George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]

Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?

Male Customer #2: I'll have a cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: I'll have a hamburger then.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.

Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.

Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.

Male Customer #2: Over lightly?

Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.

Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.

Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?

Male Customer #2: Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke - Pepsi.

Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Russian Flu Groupies" ]

[ fade ]


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