Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Baggage Inspection Counter

Supervisor.....Dan Aykroyd
Trainee.....Chevy Chase
Priest.....Andy Murphy
Black Man.....Garrett Morris
Male Smuggler.....John Belushi
Female Smuggler.....Laraine Newman
Fake Priest.....Bill Murray
Black Woman.....Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Baggage Inspection ]

Supervisor: Alright. U.S. citizens, Line 7, 8 and 9. [ to Trainee ] Okay, this is Flight 419 from La Paz, Bolivia. Now, a flight from La Paz will very likely have someone on board who thinks they can tromple on the law and sneal through United States Customs with illegal narcotics, such as cocaine or marijuana. Some are gonna try to come in without paying the import tax on foreign purhcases, like art, jewelry and clothes.

Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to Priest ] May I see your passport, please?

Supervisor: It's alright, Father, go right ahead.

Trainee: That's alright, Father, go right ahead.

Supervisor: Don't waste your time. It's obvious he's a real priest. After a couple of months on this job, you get so you can spot smugglers as soon as they step off the plane. For instance, rule of thumb: always check black people! A lady with a kid - they're allowed to go by, don't waste your time. A young couple, another rule of thumb; young couples, check! Okay. Here, watch me. [ demonstrates on Black Man ] May I see your passport and re-entry declaration, please?

Black Man: Yeah.

Supervisor: Alright. Would you open your luggage, please?

Black Man: Yep. [ opens luggage ]

Supervisor: [ investigates luggage ] Alright.. do you have any animal or vegetable matter?

Black Man: Oh.. no.. no.

Supervisor: [ digs further into the luggage ] I don't believe you declared this, sir! A marijuana seed! I'm afraid we're gonna have to submit you to a personal search!

Black Man: Uh.. I gotta go to the bathroom..

Supervisor: No, you don't go anywhere, sir!

[ wrestles Black Man to the ground ]

Supervisor: Okay, I'll take care of this guy, and.. Whitfield, you carry on here. [ exits ]

Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to the line ] Uh.. next, please. Uh, you can go right ahead.

Male Smuggler: Hi! Boy, is it great to be back in America! [ laughs nervously ]

Female Smuggler: If I don't sit down, I'm afraid I'm gonna have a miscarriage!

Trainee: May I see your passports, please, and re-entry declaration?

Male Smuggler: Oh.. sure, of course.. my pleasure.. Are the, uh, contractions getting closer, honey?

Female Smuggler: Don't worry about me.. I'll be alright as soon as we can get out of here, and I can find a place to lie down..

Trainee: Uh.. you want to open your luggage, please, sir.

Male Smuggler: Huh?

Trainee: You want to open your luggage, please, sir? Right up here.

Male Smuggler: [ relunctant ] O-pennn.. the suitcase?

Trainee: Yeah. Please.

Male Smuggler: Oh. Okay. Uh.. sure, okay.. here we go.. Okay. [ puts suitcase on the counter ] You know, a lot of people are in line here..

Trainee: Yeah. Sir, I'm gonna have to inspect your luggage.

Male Smuggler: Okay. I mean, is this like normal, I mean, you know, hey, wait a minute, I didn't expect this..

Trainee: Please relax, sir..

Male Smuggler: The two people ahead of me didn't do it, you know? Why me, man? I mean, why me?

Trainee: Later, we'll simply give you a- Let me give you one of these right now. [ tears paper ] It's a "Why Me?", it explains why the Supreme Court has allowed us to inspect your luggage. It's for your own protection. Please, just relax.

Male Smuggler: [ breathing heavy in anticipation ]

[ Trainee opens the luggage, which is packed with white powder; Male Smuggler backs away ]

Trainee: Hold it right there, fella!

Male Smuggler: Huh?

Trainee: [ pulls out shirt from underneath the white powder ] Where'd you buy this shirt?

Male Smuggler: I got it.. at Taylor-Robbins.

Trainee: Taylor-Robbins?

Male Smuggler: Yeah.

Trainee: O-kay..

Male Smuggler: Okay.. okay..

Trainee: You have any animal or vegetable matter, sir?

Female Smuggler: [ defensive ] What do you mean? What do you mean? You mean, like, marijuana or cocaine?

[ Smugglers laugh, as Supervisor returns ]

Supervisor: Well, that's it! One more drug smuggler under arrest! How's it going here, Whitfield?

Trainee: Fine, sir.

Supervisor: Yeah, I can still smell the stuff on my hands. I'm gonna wash it off, I'll be back in a minute. [ steps away ]

Trainee: Yes, sir.

[ Male Smuggler sighs relief ]

[ Female Smuggler moans ]

Trainee: Are you in Bolivia for business or pleasure, sir?

Female Smuggler: Uh.. business!

[ Male Smuggler smacks Female Smuggler across her front, busting open her fake boob which begins dispensing cocaine in a slow trickle ]

Female Smuggler: Uh.. um.. I mean, pleasure!

Male Smuggler: Right! I mean, sure, you know? It's really beautiful down here, man, you really should go sometime, I mean.. it's a really nice place, but I wouldn't want to live here, you know? I mean, I got sunburned on my nose the first day! [ laughs ]

Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: What?

Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: Uhhh.. yeah.. no, no! I got them in Los Angeles, before I-I left.

Trainee: Here.

Male Smuggler: That's my aftershave! You can confiscate that, if you want! You can take it, take my aftershave! [ laughs ]

Trainee: That's alright, sir. [ pulls sweater out of white powder ] Alright, sir.. how about this sweater? You buy this in Bolivia?

Male Smuggler: What?

Trainee: Did you buy this sweater in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: Yeah! Yeah!

Trainee: It was not entered on your declaration form, was it, sir?

Male Smuggler: No.. it wasn't..

Trainee: Let's take a look. [ Supervisor returns ] This sweater was not entered on their, uh, declaration form. I don't know how to handle that, sir.

Supervisor: Uh.. you folks bringing in more than $125 worth of foreign purchases?

Male Smuggler: [ quickly ] No, sir! No, sir.

Supervisor: That's okay.

Trainee: Okay. Thank you very much, you can go.

Male Smuggler: [ excited ] Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!! [ closes his suitcase quick and hurries to flee the scene ]

Trainee: I hope it's a boy!

Female Smuggler: Oh! Thank you!

[ they exit ]

Trainee: Next, please.

[ Fake Priest enters with a barrel filled with drugs ]

Trainee: Oh, that's alright, Father, you can go right ahead. [ Fake Priest quickly makes his exit ] Next, please!

[ camera pans above set to audience, zooms in on Jaqueline Carlin with SUPER: "Understudy" ]

[ fade ]

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