Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12







77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Chevy Chase's Monologue

.....Chevy Chase
.....Al Siegal

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Chevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you! Thank you very much! I can't believe this. It's been over a year since I've been gone, and, uh... I really miss the show. I'll tell you one thing I've missed more than anything -- [ he checks to make sure his zipper is pulled up ] Quite seriously -- And that is the applause. I miss that more than anything. [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!

I just want to say that my friends and the people who put on "Saturday Night" -- even since I've been gone, before or after -- still put on the BEST damn comedy show on the air. [ the audience applauds ] I thank you -- I thank YOU on their behalf. I do.

I must say, it's great to be back in this town, and I think, you know, let's be honest -- New York's the greatest city in the world, isn't it? [ the audience applauds ]

You know, uh -- This trip, I've been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn. [ the audience whoops ]

Yesterday -- I don't know -- in Los Angeles, they don't have very many delicatessans, you know? THey don't have Negroes. They have nothing, you know? But I spent a lot of time yesterday, uh, at a little delicatessan in Queens. [ the audience applauds ] Queens?

Of course, there's no place more exciting than Manhattan to me. [ the audience applauds ] Manhattan is... unless, of course, that place is Queens. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

I -- I think that it's very hard to express how I feel in words, and, uh... [ he turns to look at the band ] Well, if it's alright with you, I'd just like to sing a short note. [ band member pounds a note on the piano ] The band!

[ singing ]
"The more I seeeeeee
The more I want you.
Somehow, this feeling
Just grows."

Thank you. How about that band, huh?

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

You know, it's been a...

[ the band keeps playing, until Chevy runs back to tell Howard Shore to stop ]

What a week! Not just for me. I guess we found a real-life "Rocky" in that Leon Spinks, huh?

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

He deserves a lot of credit. He really does. But I don't want to take anything away from, I think, the greatest heavyweight champion of ALL time -- no question about it -- Mohammed Ali.

[ the audience applauds even more wildly ]

How about thay Muriel Humphrey? Huh? [ the audience applauds wirh slight amusement ] Absolutely.

Haldeman's book's coming out... Even more dirt about Watergate. I don't know how you feel. Don't you think Nixon's suffered a much? [ he shugs ] Enough? Much too much? [ low response; someone in the audience cries "No!" ] He hasn't suffered enough, has he? [ the audience applauds wildly ] They should have put him in JAIL, right?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! And Agnew, TOO, right?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yeah!

You know what I really love about your applause, is its sponteneity. [ the audience laughs ] That's kind of what live TV's about -- great live television. It seems spotaneous. Uh, but you see, it really isn't. Every word is, uh, written out and put on cue cards. It's true! I'll show you. [ calling ] Al? Could you give me a card? See, this is really the illusion of spontaneity.

[ Al Siegal hands Chevy a cue card, which Chevy holds up to reveal the words:

"Al, could you give me a
card?
See, this is really the
illusion of spontaneity." ]

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Al! [ he hands the cue card back ] Uh... Give me the next card. By the way, Al? Come on up here, Al.

[ Al Siegal joins Chevy on stage, as the audience applauds wildly ]

Chevy Chase: This is Al Seigal, our cue card man. He's done a great job, he's got a lot to do, a lot of work... Incidentally, you've been a great audience. I think you all owe yourselves a round of applause. Please.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

[ Al hands Chevy the last cue card and steps down from the stage ]

Chevy Chase: [ he holds up the cue card that reads: ] We'll be right back after this message.


SNL Transcripts




http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/