Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

.....Jane Curtin
.....Dan Aykroyd
.....Chevy CHase
.....Laraine Newman
.....Al Franken
.....John Belushi
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
.....Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: Still to come: [ image: Sphinx statue ] Leon Spinx wins the heavyweight title. This and other stories on "Weekend Update", next.

[ dissolve to black ]

[ open on Weekend Update set ]

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Brought to you by Pussywhip. Pussywhip, the first dessert topping for cats. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: I will be Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I am Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: More details on that H.R. "Bob" Haldeman book, "The Ends of Power": Nixon stealing silverware, Nixon smearing oatmeal on his laps, Nixon killing a Cuban busboy, and a sad, embittered Nixon barking like a dog and sleeping in packing crates.

Haldeman expects the book to gross millions, and plans to use the money to reshape the top of his head, which currently looks like a putting green.

And in another story from Washington: Democratic congressman Daniel Flood, of Pennsylvania, being investigated for influence peddling, announced this week that he will enter Walter Reed Hospital next month, for surgery to have the mice removed from his nostrils.

Dan Aykroyd: [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Uh --

Well, what looks like a monumental breakthrough in birth control is being tested at Harvard Medical School. Payimg heed to the adverse effects of the pill, doctors are now experimenting with a modified version of the popular Rhythm Method. The new practice, tentatively referred to as the Rhythm and Blues Method, is a variation which involves coitus in the presence of B.B. King, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and Jr. Walker & The All-Stars.

Well, Billy Carter has bought a partnership in a weekly newspaper -- The Plains Statesman. And, according to the Associated Press, the agreement was unpretentiously recorded on a simple brown paper bag. Afterwards, Billy celebrated the occasion in typical fashion by drinking a keg of beer and then throwing up into the agreeement.

Drain water and toilet bowl water, which up until now has swirled clockwise in countries located above the Equator, will now swirl counterclockwise. Scientists explain this is a result of the acquisition of western plumbing by more of the undeveloped nations below the Equator. They also warn that if this phenomenon isn't accounted for in the southern hemisphere, the Earth will develop a wobble, throwing many pedestrians and cars into buildings, and the North Pole will slip down to St. Louis.

[ Dan's desk phone rings ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh... Aykroyd.

Voice: Long distance calling Dan Aykroyd. Is he there, please?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes? Go ahead. [ he shrugs to Jane ]

Voice: Mr. Aykroyd, there has been a...

Dan Aykroyd: What?

Voice: ...Accident involving... mother's very ill...

Dan Aykroyd: What?!

Voice: Uh, seriously...

Dan Aykroyd: An accident? My mother?! What?!

Voice: You'd better come here quick. She's asking for you...

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, I'll be right there! [ he hangs up ] I gotta split...

Jane Curtin: Oh, my God, I'm...

Dan Aykroyd: I don't know what, uh...

Jane Curtin: It's okay!

Dan Aykroyd: I have to! I really have to go... This is a family matter...

Jane Curtin: It's okay, don't worry about it...

Dan Aykroyd: [ running off-set ] CAN I GET A CAR WAITING FOR ME?!! QUICKLY!!

Jane Curtin: I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN! [ she faces the camera and smiles nervously ] I'm awfully sorry if anyone has any trouble in their family, but the show... must go on.

Tragedy struck in Fort Lauderdale, Florida this week, when the entire New York Yankee ball team was feeled and paralyzed by what was at first believed to be nerve gas coming from a nearby medical research base. It was later discovered that the gas was actually the late Babe Ruth's breath, which had been trapped in a locker for years and had somehow leaked out onto the field.

[ reveal Chevy Chase suddenly sitting in Dan's seat ]

[ the audience whoops and cheers, including one man who yells: "Alright!" ]

Chevy Chase: Just thought I'd... help out in a tragedy of that nature.

[ Chevy stares into the camera, then adjusts his position when the camera switches over to the Chroma-key view ]

Unaware that this picture was taken earlier this month, President Carter and French President ?? were distubed by rumors that they had leaked details of this meeting. Later, the rumors were eliminated, and the two presidents greatly releived.

In the world of horse racing, there's still great speculation as to whether or not Seattle Slew will race again, or just be put out to stud. Meadow Muffin Farms, the syndicate that owns Seattle Slew, is still undecided. But when asked to comment, the former Triple Crown winner said: "You mean I have a choice, Wilbur?? I need a filly! I'm going blind from using my own hooves!"

Chevy Chase: Well, the 11-week United Mine Workers strike continues, and its effect is being felt in layoffs in the coal-dependent Midwest. But, of course, some of the hardest hit by the strike are the miners themselves. Laraine Newman is in Campbell Creek, West Virginia with this report. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing outside of a coal mine ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy. Coal mining. A dirty job. A dangerous job. Every year, scores of miners are KILLED in mining accidents. Those who survive to work long years often develop Black Lung Disease, as well as permanently dirty fingernails. [ a coal miner appears next to Laraine ] I'm standing with Ray Floyd, who has worked in the mines for over 20 years. Mr. Floyd, what's holding up a settlement? Is it simply a matter of more money?

Ray Floyd: Uh... [ he coughs ] No., um... [ he coughs ] Uh, we want, uh, to keep the right to strike, so that we can get, uh... [ he coughs into his hand, spitting out a light sprinkling of black smoke ] Uh... a stricter enforcement of the, uh... [ he coughs into his hand, emitting more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: Is it safety regulations? Safety?

Ray Floyd: [ he nods, then coughs more black smoke into his hand ] That's right, um... And, uh, we want the Union Health Fund, uh... [ he coughs more black smoke ] to be totally reinstated, and, uh... a guarantee... [ he coughs much more black smoke through his hands ] by the... by the, uh... [ he coughs more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: The union leadership?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Uh... federal government?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Oh... uh... How about the coal companies?

[ he shakes his head Yes ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, okay! Well, thank you, Mr. Floyd. Now back to our studio.

[ return to Chevy Chase ]

Chevy Chase: George Anderson, of the Toronto Institute for Animal Genetics, has succeeded in breeding a dog with a wastebasket for a head. Anderson said he's now working on a cat shaped like a wad of paper, and hopes to market the pair as an inexpensive parlor game.

[ image: a morose clown ] Well... Bert Lance.

Jane Curtin: The FBI-CIA softball game -- [ suddenly, her desk phone rings ] Excuse me. [ she picks up the phone ] Hello?

Voice: Miss Curtin -- Long-distance calling, please.

Jane Curtin: Uh -- Yes, this is Miss Curtin.

Voice: A horrible accident involving your mother... in New York State.

[ cut to long shot, revealing Chevy Chase on the other phone, holding his nose as he speaks into the receiver. He notices the camera focused on him, and slowly turns to Jane ]

Chevy Chase: It's for you.

[ they both hang up ]

Jane Curtin: Nice try, Sparky!

Well, Father Time finally caught up with a tired, 68-year old Mohammed Ali last week, who lost a split decision to Leon Spinx, one of the UGLIEST heavyweight champs to come along in a long time.

After the fight on Wednesday, Spinx announced that he was a member of the Black Muslims and he no longer wants to be called by his Slave name of Leon spinx, and instead has adopted his Islamic name of Scarlett O'Hara.

Jane Curtin: Now, to give us his view on the title fight and a close look at the career of Mohammed Ali, is correspondent John Belushi. John?

John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. [ reading ] When the young light heavyweight, Cassius Clay, won the gold medal in Rome, it was a springboard for a career that included 57 fights with only 3 losses. This week, Ali lost for the third time in his career. In a 15-round split decision, Mohammed Ali lost the heavyweight championship to Leon Spinx. It was a brutal fight. By the end, Ali had no jabs. But, let's face it -- Spinx was damn lucky. Luckier than Norton, Shavers, and Jimmy Young, who all gave him a good fight. But, I mean -- If you're gonna beat the champion, you should beat him! You should knock him out, you should beat him up! You know, that's what you should do. So I think he should... They'll probably fight very soon. But when I think back -- back to the Thrilla in Manila... the Zaire fight, which I saw on the big screen. It was the, uh... Manhattan Center, downtown across from the Garden. You wouldn't believe it, it was a HUGE screen. We had to be let in the back door. I was with Brian Doyle Murray -- Bill's brother. We were trying to get in the back -- There was this BLACK GANG that was terrorizing the place. They opened the door, we got HIT! You know. And them in the theater -- Everybody started screaming and yelling, you know? Because they're throwing chairs. You know? Because there was no picture. There was no picture! And I could have been hurt!

I mean, I've been in a few fights in my life, you know? [ he laughs ] I mean, I was in a bar one time, and, uh... I was just drinking, and, uh... this guy come up to me, taps me on the shoulder and says, "John?" I said, "Yes?" He says, "Somebody's out there beating up your roommate." You know? So I said, "Okay." So I go outside, you know? And there's my roommate -- There's Steve Bushakas out there with a big black eye. Okay? And two of my other friends -- Tino and Jim -- they're out there, and they're holding their noses. Blood's coming out of their noses! So I turn around, I look, and there's the BIGGEST guy I've ever seen in my life! You know? And he's standing there like this, you know? [ he starts bouncing back and forth like a boxer ] So I said, "Hey! What's going on?" I'm a little drunk, okay? And he says, "What's it to ya'?!" Well! You know. Well, it turns out it was a fight over a girl's purse or something -- it's always about soem girl... So I said, Look --" [ Jane taps him on the shoulder ] Wait a minute, wait! So I said, "Look! Hey, man -- You think you're real tough or something, huh? Yuo think you're TOUGH?! Come on, man!!" And he beat me BLOODY, 'til my ears were bleeding like that. I could have stayed in the bar! But, nooooooooo!!! "Come out and help Steeeeeve, my friiiiiiiend!" He smashed me, he hit me! He PUNCHED me! He punched me in my face like it was a beanbag! You're gonna take it, you're gonna hear it rattle!!

But I think Ali WILL come back. I don't think 36 is too old. You know, Ali can lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds! Get down to 204, you know, the wau they he fought Liston -- He could do it! Weight loss is just a matter of self-discipline, doing soem running, some working out... If I'd lost 20 pounds, I might have taken that guy in the bar! Who knows, right? But you GOTTA be able to defend yourself! Everybody should be able to defend themself! Even women! ESPECIALLY, you women oughtta be able to defend yourself! Yuo know -- with karate or keys in the fist, you know? Whatever you want! I mean, can you defend yourself, Jane? Do you know how to defend yourself, if someone were to JACK you?!

[ Jane stammers nervously in response ]

John Belushi: Alright, let's just see! [ he grabs soem boxing gloves below the news desk ] Alright, this is just for your own protection. [ he puts on one of the gloves ] Alright, now if somebody comes up to you on the stret, say... Yuo kind of walk in, you're kind of cool, you know you're groovy-looking... So this guy comes up to you and says, "Hey, baby, come on, hey!" [ he jabs Jane playfully with the glove ] Come on, hit me! Hit me, come on!

Jane Curtin: I don't want to hit you... I really son't want to hit you...

John Belushi: Come on, come on...!

[ Jane resists, but John continues to egg her on and finally pounces her to the floor with his boxing gloves ]

John Belushi: Okay, it's all yours, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Well, the Winter situation in New York, the Great Lakes area, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New England states...

[ Emily Litella wanders in ]

Emily Litella: Chedder! Chedder Cheese! Chedder, I miss you!

Chevy Chase: [ pleased to see her ] How are you, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, kiss me on the lips! [ he kisses her ] Ohhhh, Chedder, I've missed you so much!

Chevy Chase: Are you doing okay, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes! Yes, but you know... I'm fine, but I haven't been able to get much work lately.

Chevy Chase: Well, why not? What's the matter?

Emily Litella: Well... Miss Clayotn doesn't like me on the news! She says I'm irresponsible, and she keeps yelling at me whenever I make a little, teeny-tiny, little mistake!

Chevy Chase: Oh, I cannot believe that Jane Clayton is like that.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh, well, don't be fooled by her, Chedder. I mean, that girl is Mussolini IN DRAG!! Really! She gets me SO riled, I get SO upset, I can't believe it!

[ Jane stands up behind them, greatly annoyed at the sight of Emily Litella ]

Jane Curtin: YOU!! First, I get SLUGGED by Belushi... now, I gotta deal with YOU!! Just get out of here, will ya', come on! [ Emily starts to laugh ] I said, SCRAM!! BEAT IT!! GET OUT OF HERE!!

Emily Litella: Oh, Miss Clayton! [ she keeps laughing ]

Jane Curtin: What's so funny?

Emily Litella: Miss Clayton, you look like HELL!

Jane Curtin: That's not funny!

Emily Litella: Well, uh... [ to Chevy ] I told you she couldn't take a joke.

Chevy Chase: Take it easy, Jane. Don't be so rough on her.

Jane Curtin: DON'T tell me how to act, DAMMIT!! This is MY news show now!! I'M the STAR of it!! YOU left, I took over and brought some INTEGRITY to it!! None of your schoolboy cuteness, mugging into the camera, talking like Mr. Ed...!

[ as Jane rants, Chevy makes his funny mocking faces to the camera ]

Jane Curtin: I've given this show CREDIBILITY!! I've given it STRAIGHTFORWARD, INFORMATIVE news!!

Emily Litella: But, Miss Clayton, I -- I --

Jane Curtin: SHUT UP, you FEEB! [ to Chevy ] So what do YOU do?! Yuo come back, you give Danny soem story about his mother dying, try to pull the same thing on me, jsut to take over so you can satisfy your inflated ego! Well, go back to Hollywood and do it, 'cause it WON'T work here! This is MY show, and I WON'T be pushed around by Belushi, or YOU, or HER!! Am I making myself clear?

Emily Litella: Crystal clear, Miss Curtin. We're sorry.

Chevy Chase: We are sorry, Jane. I didn't mean to aggravate you like this, uh... I guess I just wanted to do "Update" one last time, and, uh... I'm sorry. It got carried away. Sorry.

Emily Litella: It won't happen again!

Jane Curtin: [ pleased ] Well, see that it doesn't.

[ Jane walks away ]

Emily Litella: On your mark... get set... GO!

Together: BITCH!!

[ Chevy kisses Emily goodbye as she rolls away ]

Chevy Chase: And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be... oh, hard of hearing, I will reteat -- pee, pee, pee! Pee pee pee, kaka! I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Assistant Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing -- Mr. Garrett Morris. "Our to story tonight..."

[ Garrett appears in an insert over Chevy's shoulder ]


Chevy Chase: "Haldeman says Nixon stole silverware..."


Chevy Chase: "Smeared oatmeal on his lapels..."


Chevy Chase: "Killed a Cuban busboy..."


Chevy Chase: "And slept in packing crates."

Garrett Morris: AND SLEPT IN PARKING CRATES!! Crates?

Chevy Chase: That's the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT!! AND HAVE A pleasant... evening?

Chevy Chase: "Tomorrow."

Garrett Morris: Tomorrow.

[ cut to Chevy sitting beside the Chromakey screen ]

Announcer: This portion of "Weekend Update" has been brought to you by Dis-O-Dent, the toothpaste preferred by the radical left.

[ fade ]

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