Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Somewhere In France, 1944

Sarge ... John Belushi
Wolinski ... Chevy Chase
1st German ... Bill Murray
2nd German ... Dan Aykroyd
Washington ... Garrett Morris

[Black and white stock footage of tanks in battle in the European theater of the Second World War. Ominous military music: brass and percussion. A superimposed text reads: "SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE 1944" -- Dissolve to a trio of American soldiers guarding a dirt road. The scene itself, like the stock footage, is in black and white.]

Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin'?

Wolinski: Yeah.

[The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront a slowly approaching motorcycle.]

Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts off his engine.] What's the password?

1st German: [seated in the motorcycle's sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple.

Sarge: We've had reports there's some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin' to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we're gonna have to ask you some questions.

1st German: Ya, das ist okay.

2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can't be too careful mit those krauts.

Sarge: What's the capital of Illinois?

1st German: Shpringfield.

Sarge: How 'bout Oklahoma?

1st German: Oklahoma City.

Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon?

1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei ... Four.

Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol in his side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady?

2nd German: In "Terry and the Pirates."

Sarge: What color are the Yankees' uniforms?

2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray.

Sarge: What's a Texas Leaguer?

2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls between ze infield und the outfield.

1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle.

2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas.

1st German: Capital, Austin.

2nd German: The weight of ze baseball -- [turns smugly to the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] -- three point eight ounces!

Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, do your imitation.

Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it?

[The 1st German whispers to the second.]

2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces the famous American bandleader's name as "Viteman"]

Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Do it again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [to Wolinski] Go 'head.

Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Hold that for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagney imitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

[Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier, Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germans haven't a clue who it is. They whisper and decide to take a guess.]

1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tense and raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike. Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famous American broadcaster's name as "Valter Vinchell"]

Washington: Yeah! Say! That's who I thought it was when I first heard it.

Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess you guys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower their weapons] You know, you - you just can't be too careful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettes and offers it to the Germans]

1st German: Cigarette?

Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans]

2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefully here. Ya-hess!

Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match?

1st German: Oh, yes.

Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here. They never send us any matches.

1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook to Sarge] Mm. You can keep this.

Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey, what's this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus?

Wolinski: [peers over Sarge's shoulder at matchbook] Berlin?

Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, the Germans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski and Washington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons] All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search 'em! Watch out for booby traps!

Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge.

Sarge: That sure was.

Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly]

Sarge: That's right. But they didn't! You just can't be too careful, you know? Ya can't trust anybody!

Washington: That's right. Say, Sarge, you know what you should have asked 'em? "Who is the manager of the Cleveland Indians this year?" They couldn't've answered that!

Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington ... who is the manager of the Cleveland Indians this year?

Washington: Uh... you know, I'm not sure.

[Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washington who drops his weapon.]

Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it!

Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski pats him down] Huh?

Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?!

Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge?

Sarge: Who's the manager of the Indians?

Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don't know, Sarge.

Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raises hands] Drop it! Drop it! I can't believe it! My own men -- lousy jerries! I don't believe it! Just goes to show you can't trust anybody!

Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant.

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin'?

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year?

Sarge: It's, uh ... uhhh ... [horrible realization] Oh, no. I'm a ... [drops his rifle] ... kraut! [raises his hands]

[The five of them remain where they are -- the Germans seated on their motorcycle, the Americans standing beside it -- with their hands in the air, as we pull back and fade out to applause and more ominous climactic music.]

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