World War II GI Quiz Sarge ... John Belushi Wolinski ... Chevy Chase 1st German ... Bill Murray 2nd German ... Dan Aykroyd Washington ... Garrett Morris [Black and white stock footage of tanks in battle in the European theater of the Second World War. Ominous military music: brass and percussion. A superimposed text reads: "SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE 1944" -- Dissolve to a trio of American soldiers guarding a dirt road. The scene itself, like the stock footage, is in black and white.] Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin'? Wolinski: Yeah. [The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront a slowly approaching motorcycle.] Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts off his engine.] What's the password? 1st German: [seated in the motorcycle's sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple. Sarge: We've had reports there's some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin' to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we're gonna have to ask you some questions. 1st German: Ya, das ist okay. 2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can't be too careful mit those krauts. Sarge: What's the capital of Illinois? 1st German: Shpringfield. Sarge: How 'bout Oklahoma? 1st German: Oklahoma City. Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon? 1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei ... Four. Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol in his side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady? 2nd German: In "Terry and the Pirates." Sarge: What color are the Yankees' uniforms? 2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray. Sarge: What's a Texas Leaguer? 2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls between ze infield und the outfield. 1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle. 2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas. 1st German: Capital, Austin. 2nd German: The weight of ze baseball -- [turns smugly to the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] -- three point eight ounces! Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, do your imitation. Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother! Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it? [The 1st German whispers to the second.] 2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces the famous American bandleader's name as "Viteman"] Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Do it again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [to Wolinski] Go 'head. Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Hold that for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagney imitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother! [Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier, Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germans haven't a clue who it is. They whisper and decide to take a guess.] 1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tense and raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike. Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famous American broadcaster's name as "Valter Vinchell"] Washington: Yeah! Say! That's who I thought it was when I first heard it. Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess you guys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower their weapons] You know, you - you just can't be too careful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettes and offers it to the Germans] 1st German: Cigarette? Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans] 2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefully here. Ya-hess! Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match? 1st German: Oh, yes. Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here. They never send us any matches. 1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook to Sarge] Mm. You can keep this. Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey, what's this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus? Wolinski: [peers over Sarge's shoulder at matchbook] Berlin? Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, the Germans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski and Washington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons] All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search 'em! Watch out for booby traps! Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge. Sarge: That sure was. Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly] Sarge: That's right. But they didn't! You just can't be too careful, you know? Ya can't trust anybody! Washington: That's right. Say, Sarge, you know what you should have asked 'em? "Who is the manager of the Cleveland Indians this year?" They couldn't've answered that! Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington ... who is the manager of the Cleveland Indians this year? Washington: Uh... you know, I'm not sure. [Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washington who drops his weapon.] Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it! Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski pats him down] Huh? Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?! Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge? Sarge: Who's the manager of the Indians? Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don't know, Sarge. Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raises hands] Drop it! Drop it! I can't believe it! My own men -- lousy jerries! I don't believe it! Just goes to show you can't trust anybody! Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant. Sarge: What? Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin'? Sarge: What? Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year? Sarge: It's, uh ... uhhh ... [horrible realization] Oh, no. I'm a ... [drops his rifle] ... kraut! [raises his hands] [The five of them remain where they are -- the Germans seated on their motorcycle, the Americans standing beside it -- with their hands in the air, as we pull back and fade out to applause and more ominous climactic music.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts