Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Modern Crimes

Grave Robbers.....Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi
Policeman.....Bill Murray
Charlie Chaplin.....Gilda Radner

[ open on graphic card ]

Announcer: "Jacques Cousteau Gets an Undersea Enema" will not be seen tonight, so that NBC can present the following special program.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on black-and-white title card to silent film: "Modern Crimes" ]

[ iris onto graverobbers carrying a corpse out of a cemetary ]

[ Title Card: "Somewhere In Switzerland Two Grave Robbers Are Up to No Good" ]

[ the grave robbers try to tug the corpse in opposite directions, then place the corpse on the ground and argue as a policeman stops in front of them ]

[ Title Card: "No Loitering. This is Switzerland" ]

[ the policeman waves his nightstick at them and continues on his way ]

[ the two grave robbers panic ]

[ Title Card: "Lets Get Out Of Here" ]

[ the two grave robbers attempt to lift the cotpse, but accidentally unravel it instead to reveal... Charlie Chaplin ]

[ they panic ]

[ elsewhere, the policeman scratches his head ]

[ Title Card: "Something's Rotten In The State Of Switzerland" ]

[ the policeman walks back to the cemetary, where the two grave robbers sit with Chaplin's corpse on a bench and smoke cigarettes ]

[ the policeman snarls ]

[ Title Card: "Move Along Now" ]

[ the tow grave robbers lift Chaplin's corpse, with two cigarettes in his mouth, then Chaplin opens his eyes and speaks ]

[ Title Card: "Live From New York, Its Saturday Night" ]

[ the two grave robbers are stunned, as Chaplin smiles proudly ]

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