Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Art Garfunkel's Monologue

.....Art Garfunkel
.....John Belushi

[ Art Garfunkel enters and takes the center stage. He starts to perform "(What a) Wonderful World", but after the first verse, the speaker goes out. ]

Art Garfunkel: Can we stop? Can we do it again? I'm sorry, the speaker went bad. It sounded weird, right?

John Belushi: [ enters ] What's the matter, Art? Did something go wrong?

Art Garfunkel: The feedback.. the speaker threw me a little bit. Let me start again..

John Belushi: Oh, the speaker again, huh? [ kicks speaker down ] This whole place is falling apart, really.

Art Garfunkel: John, it's all right, really.

John Belushi: No it's not all right! It's not all right! The speaker's been broken for quite a while, they used it on "Hullabaloo" a few years back. You see, the network still sees us as a late night show, so we don't get the good equipment.

Art Garfunkel: Uh, John..

John Belushi: You know, it's a corporate structure, I don't want to talk about it. You know, I've been around here for three years, so I know these things. Now, if Paul Williams was doing a special, he'd get the best sound equipment, he'd get martial amps, you know, they'd do it like.. [ looks at back of stage ] ..pros! Do you know what I mean guys? Pros! You know. But if a major star, like yourself, goes on Saturday Night Live, the speaker feeds back. It's the lowest!

Art Garfunkel: It's alright, John.

John Belushi: No, it goes all the way down the line, Artie. The speaker's the tip of the iceberg. I mean, they're using us! And it just shouldn't be that way. There's no reason why Garret Morris should have to get up early so he can drive Jane Pauley to work on Monday. You know, I've had it! The speaker thing, it's the last straw!

Art Garfunkel: I don't want to start anything. The sound wasn't that bad. I could just take it from the top..

John Belushi: Don't do it, Artie. Come on, don't do this. Don't give in an inch. Come on, let's assert ourselves. And we've both done a pretty good job for this network. And besides, there are other networks. That's right, and there are other networks. NBC Isn't God, you think NBC's God, well they're not, because God would never put Part 3 of Loose Change on before Part 2. Okay, stick with me, Artie, stck with me. Let's get out of here. Come on..

Art Garfunkel: John, look, it was an honest error, maybe I was off-key a little bit. I don't want to start any trouble. I've been honored to a host on the show, everyone's been nice to me all week, let's not make waves. Just let me do the song from the top.

John Belushi: You're really something, Garfunkel. you really are. You know, I didn't have to come out here. I didn't see Gilda or Danny come to your aid when your song went down the toilet. Oh no, you know, it was me. I came out here, I didn't have to. I could have stayed in my dressing room, by myself, and let you die out here alone. But nooooo! I gotta come out here and help you, and what do you do? You turn on me like a shark!

Art Garfunkel: Come on, John it's not..

John Belushi: Don't "Come on John" me! You're like all the rest. Look what happened to you, Mister big recording star, you sold out! I remember when you used to sing songs, song with meaning, songs with integrity, the lyrics meant something. Like "The Boxer". A song about street people, loneliness. [ singing ] "La-la-Laa, la-la-laa-la-la-la-la-la-la." That meant something to people, but are you singing that now? Noooooooo! No, you're a little successful, so what do you do? You drop Paul Simon like a hot potato, and now you're singing some Sam Cooke song.. [ mimics Garfunkel ] "I don't care to be an A-student, but I try to be.." I mean I like those lyrics, those are great lyrics, really good lyrics. Really good, good lyrics, good song. Go ahead with your song.. [ sarcastically ] ..Mr. LP. Big man, go ahead. [ starts to leave ]

Art Garfunkel: Okay, from the top..

John Belushi: [ returns back ] Oh, by the way, nice hair, Artie.

[ Belushi leaves again, as Garfunkel resumes "(What a) Wonderful World" ]

Art Garfunkel: We'll be right back.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

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