Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14









77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis.....John Belushi
George.....Dan Aykroyd
Nico.....Bill Murray
Sandy.....Laraine Newman
New Waitress.....Jill Clayburgh
Male Customer.....Garrett Morris
Female Customer.....Gilda Radner
Benefit Lady.....Jane Curtin

[A busy diner owned by the blustering, mustachioed Pete Dionasopolis. He rings up a sale on his cash register. Greek music plays quietly in the background throughout the sketch. The phone rings and Pete answers:]

Pete: [into phone] Hello, Olympia Cafe! ... [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [into phone] No. No fries, chips. ... [yells to Nico, the counterman] Four chip!

Nico: Four chip!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No Coke. Pepsi. ... [yells to Nico] Four Pepsi!

Nico: Four Pepsi!

Pete: [into phone] All right.

[Sandy, the stern, dark-haired waitress is training an awkward new employee.]

Sandy: [to the new waitress] Just do what I do, huh? [demonstrates what to say to the others] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Three chip!

New Waitress: Three chip!

Sandy: Three Pepsi!

New Waitress: Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

Male Customer: [paying his bill, to Pete at the cash register] I see that you are training another new waitress again.

Pete: [making change] Yeah. But she won't stay. They all want money! You know? Even him! [indicates Nico who stands by, grinning stupidly] I bring him over from Greece. I give him free food. A nice place to sleep in the back. But, even now, he's always asking for money! Ehh! [pushes Nico back to work] Come on, get out of here.

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip!

New Waitress: Two chip!

Sandy: Two Pepsi!

New Waitress: Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Female Customer: [sitting at counter, to Pete] Hey, uh, I'm almost done. I, uh, better order that stuff to go.

Pete: Ah! I like you. You eat fast. All right, what to go?

Female Customer: Um, I want a cheeseburger, Pepsi and a bag of chips.

Pete: [yells] Cheeseburger! Pepsi! Chip!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

Pete: Sandy! C'mere!

Sandy: [Pete exits as Sandy stands at the cash register with the new waitress who hangs up her coat before Sandy explains the system] Okay, when Pete goes, you have to stand by the cash register but don't touch it. Pete is the only one to touch the cash register, huh?

Benefit Lady: [enters with placard, goes to counter, talks to Nico] Hi! Uh, we're having a benefit for the Tagart twins -- you know, the little boys that ate the balloon -- and I was wondering if I could put this poster in your window. [Nico doesn't understand a word she's saying but nods anyway] I can? [Nico shrugs, the benefit lady is delighted] Oh!

Nico: [to the benefit lady] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [to the benefit lady] Look, um, he doesn't understand English. All he knows is "Cheeseburger" ...

Nico: [to female customer] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [George brings her order in a bag] Oh, hi, George, look, uh, I wanna tell you this joke, okay? [indicates Nico] Oh, tell him too -- it's real funny. Um, this guy says to the owner of a restaurant ... [George translates in Greek to Nico] Uh, I got some bad news for you and some worse news ... [George translates] Uh, the bad news is ... [George translates] ... that there's a fly in my soup ... [George translates] Uh, the worse news is ... [George translates] It's the best part of the meal! ... [An amused George translates the punch-line but Nico doesn't understand so George repeats it. Nico still doesn't get it, shrugs apologetically. George gives up, gestures to the customer that Nico is not too bright, hands her her order, and heads back to the grill.] Thank you. [rises, pays at register, and exits]

Sandy: [phone rings, Sandy picks up, speaks into phone] Olympia Cafe. ... To go? Okay. ... [yells] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [returns, shoos Sandy and the new waitress away] All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go, come on, move, come on!

Benefit Lady: [to Pete] Hi! Um, we're having a benefit and I was wondering if I could put this poster in your window.

Pete: Sure. Five dollars.

Benefit Lady: No! No, no, no, you don't understand. It's a benefit.

Pete: [upset] Look, you come in here, you don't even buy something, you want me to put something in the window?!

Benefit Lady: Oh, okay, I'll buy something, I'll buy something.

Pete: Okay, what'll you have?

Benefit Lady: Uh, I'll have a club sandwich and a tea.

Pete: No club, no tea. Cheeseburger.

Benefit Lady: Okay, I'll have a cheeseburger, well done.

Pete: All right, cheeseburger. What to drink?

Benefit Lady: Ah, no tea?

Pete: No tea. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Ah, do you have root beer?

Pete: No. No root beer. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Grape. Do you have--?

Pete: Pepsi!!

Benefit Lady: I don't think I want anything to drink, thanks.

Pete: Okay, tea. [quickly pours her a tea]

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [upset, to the new waitress] Hey, hey, yo! Hey, you! You don't say it right! Okay? Listen. [with Greek accent, spoken quickly and without pronouncing the "s"] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: No, no. Cheeseburger!

George: [thinks an order is being made] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

[Pete, George, and the new waitress all yell "Cheeseburger" back and forth, faster and faster, until the waitress explodes in fury:]

New Waitress: [throws her ticket book] I can't stand this place! [runs behind register to grab her coat] It's, like, nuts! I'm just getting out of this place! This is crazy! [grabs coat] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: [keeps ranting] Pepsi! Chip!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

New Waitress: [putting on coat] Cheeseburger! Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi!

Benefit Lady: [trying to calm her] Hey, it's okay! It's okay! Everything's gonna be fine now. [to the employees, who watch dispassionately] Can somebody get her a glass of water?

Pete: No water. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: All right, a Pepsi!

Pete: One Pepsi! [But Nico merely stands there, watching the distressed waitress until Pete hits him several times with a menu] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Come on!

Nico: Pepsi!

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

[We end on the image of numerous burger patties sizzling on George's grill.]

[ pull back to wide shot of studio, with SUPER: "coming up next... How To Beat The Solar System" ]

[ fade ]


Submitted Anonymously


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