Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Christopher Lee's Monologue

.....Christopher Lee
Trailer Announcer.....Tom Davis
Dr. Mobius.....Garrett Morris
Customer.....Laraine Newman
Assistant.....Gilda Radner
Husband.....Bill Murray
Wife.....Jane Curtin
The Thing.....John Belushi
Assistant.....Laraien Newman
Dr Jekyll/Mr. Rogers.....Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen -- Christopher Lee!

Christopher Lee: Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm quite sure that when some of you heard that Crisrtpher Lee was going to host "Saturday Night Live", you were somewhat surprised and quite a little... apprehensive. In fact, I approached this whole thing with considerable trepidation and dread. You see, I've seen the show and I admire it enormously. At times, I even find it, um... quite humorous.

You know, I've appeared in over 130 motion pictures, and not all of them begin at 3 a.m. on Channel 9. I was the Man with the Golden Gun -- a James Bond film. [ the audience applauds ] I, uh, played with Raquel Welch in "The Three --" and "Four Muskateers". I drowned in "Airport '77". And I'm sure that you will remember me vividly as Trixie in "The Honeymooners". [ the audience laughs ]

As you may know, I first came to public attention through my appearances in certain, rather... eerie, macabre films. But you may be surprised to know that I haven't made one in several years. This is because I have a great deal of respect for this kind of film, and I don't think that very god ones are being produced any more. Week after week, I find myself receiving scripts like "The CReature from the Black Studies Program"... and "Frankenstein Snubs the Wolfman". And, of course, "Dr. Terror's House of Pancakes". To give you an idea to the depths at which this sort of picture has sunk nowadays, I can't do better than to show you some coming attractions. Here, then, are the trailers for three current films.

[ cut to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2... ]

[ eerie music opens onto scene at baggage counter ]

Dr. Mobius: [ menacingly ] Could you describe... the suitcase?

Customer: [ distraught ] Can't you see I'm in NO condition?!

Dr. Mobius: Well... is it an overnight bag? A valise? A garment bag? Huh? Perhaps -- perhaps MY ASSISTANT can be of some help! Come, Assistant!

[ the hunchbacked Assistant enters carrying the customer's wrong luggage ]

[ the Customer screams in agony ]

Trailer Announcer: When you visit the island of Dr. Mobius, you leave your soul and your BAGS behind! For this is... [ title card appears ] "The Island of Lost Luggage"! Based on a story by H.G. Wells -- although the luggage part was really the idea of Frank Mormon, who's in charge of Eastern Airlines -- "The Island of Lost Luggage" is one of the most terrifying motion pictures EVER made! [ with SUPER: ] Warning! No One Will Be Seated During the Horrifying Tote-Bag Sequence!"

Customer: Mobius! You MONSTER! Give me my luggage!

Dr. Mobius: Certainly! But first, you must rest and visit my laboratory! [ the Assistant snickers ] And, by the way -- I'm sure that you have your claim check?

[ Dr. Mobius and his assistant laugh evilly, as the Customer screams in terror ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Trailer Announcer: "The Island of Lost Luggage" -- an experience in terror and inconvenience! Now at neighborhood theaters -- special 3-D glasses available in lobby.

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 3, 2... ]

[ open on married couple sitting on couch with visitor leafing through their record albums ]

Husband: Well, uh -- we're glad thart you could, uh... [ he yawns ] stop by, but, uh... [ he yawns again ] it's getting pretty larte, and, uh, we'd better get to bed now.

The Thing: Don't you have any records besides these? [ he pulls out an album ] I think I'm gonna borrow this one.

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came without warning! They were just being POLITE! They didn't realize thart they'd be stuck with... [ music sting, as title appears ] "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave"!

Husband: [ as the Thing lights a cigar and eats chips ] You see, uh... we both have to be at work real early tomorrow morning, see...?

The Thing: God, I'm thirsty! Is there anything in the fridge?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Husband: Look -- I don't want to be rude, but... my wife is VERY tired!

The Thing: [ leafing through the TV Guide ] Yeah... Hey, there's a good movie on tonight! I think I'll call up some friends and watch it over here!

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came from beyond the grave! A creature SO rude, SO inconsiderate... they thought it would NEVER leave!

The Thing: [ reaching for the phone ] I'm gonna make a long-distance call! Okay?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave"! You may never have guests again! [ dissolve to slide ] "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave"! Held over 5th week at neighborhood theaters. It may never leave!

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2... ]

[ open on creepy laboratory ]

Trailer Announcer: Vincent Price is Dr. Jekyll! Vincent Price has never BEEN more terrifying!

Assistant: Henry! You MUST get some sleep! You drive yourself so!

Dr. Jeykyl: I CAN'T stop now -- not when I'm so close!

Assistant: Henry! Come back to the university!

Dr. Jeykyl: The university? Where they LAUGHED at my experiments, and called me a MADMAN! We'll see who's mad now! [ he sips from a potion ]

Assistant: Henry! No!

[ she screams as he laughs maniacally and thunder rumbles ]

Trailer Announcer: Dr. Henry Jekyll! A brilliant scientist! But there are some doors man was NEVER meant to open! Vincent Price IS Dr. Henry Jekyll, in... [ title appears ] "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers"!

[ Dr. Jekyll enters a closet and changes from his lab coat to a blue sweater, as the familiar children's theme plays in the background ]

Mr. Rogers: [ singing, as he changes his shoes ]
"It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It's a neighborly day in this beauty-wood
A neighborly day for beauty
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?"

Hi, neighbor! I'm glad we're together today. Do you know what this is? This is Yes Day. That's right! Yes Day! Can you say that? Mmm-hmm. I thought you could! Over here, we've got our little desk. A beaker! Can you say that?

[ Assistant screams ]

Trailer Announcer: "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers"! Just keep saying to yourself: "It's educational!"

[ fade to black and open back on Christopher Lee at Home Base ]

Christopher Lee: You see what I mean?

[ dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman with SUPER: "Passing For Cute" ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |