77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Michael Palin's Monologue

Sid Biggs ... Michael Palin

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin!

[Palin, in character as Sid Biggs, wears a baggy gray suit.]

Sid Biggs: Uh, thank you. Quiet down, please. Uh... Evening. I just came to say that Mr. Palin will be out in a minute. Sorry about this. He's on his way. He's just having a few last minute costume problems. Uh, he has to wear a-- uh, but, ah, he's a nice boy, nice boy. Anyway, uh, he'll be out soon. [awkward pause as Sid checks his wristwatch and looks around] Nice studio. Uh, my name's, uh, Sid, by the way, Sid Biggs, Sid with an "I" -- I'm Michael's manager. I look after the boy, you know. Anyway, I - I thought I'd just come out and, uh, keep you quiet for a bit, you know. I've told him it's a live show, you know, and all that, you know, and he will be out. I'm not having any artist o' mine appearing on nationally network television in the U.S.A. for the first time without lookin' absolutely right. [clears throat, coughs, pulls out handkerchief and wipes his nose] Uh, how long is the show tonight? What? Ninety minutes? [checks watch] Yeah, well, he should be out by then. [another awkward pause] Bit of a blow, this. Huh!

Now, he's a - he's a nice boy, Michael. You know, not the least bit sardonic. Kind to animals. Well, not all animals. You know, I mean, if a crazed wolverine were to leap at his throat and start nibblin' on his jugular, he wouldn't be kind to that. I mean, 'e wouldn't pat it on the head and say: [high-pitched voice] "Halloooo, li'l wolverine! Who's a nice little wolverine, eh?" and start givin' it milk, you know. But he's on the whole kind. But he's an artist, you know, and, as such, given to moods. Mind you, Michael is not my only client. [grandly] He's only one of many acts on the Sid Biggs list! I have available ... a man who swallows ... live macaws! Vic Roberts. Wonderful act. Disgusting to watch. I've got a great new act: Princess Margaret. That's not his real name. Uh, his real name is Suggs, Ernest Suggs. He, uh, he eats soil. Beautiful act. Trouble is, he won't travel. Hates - hates planes. Has to go everywhere by horseback.

Anyway, I mean, Michael, you know, as much as I love him -- and I stood by him through all the difficult years of dental surgery -- Michael is of a new school of entertainer, you know. He's had it too easy. I mean, in my day, we all had an act, you know. That was the war, of course. But we all had an act. Churchill had his act. Anthony Eden had his act. There was always something happening we could do when the bombs were dropping. People -- it was a lovely atmosphere -- people'd go down in the underground stations and do their act. That's how Janet Ballsworth met Pepe. The rest is history.

That's how I worked out my act -- which I had the great honor of showing to His Majesty King George VI in 1943. [looks around, checks his watch] Do you, uh, would you like to see the act? [cheers and applause] Might as well. [calls to the SNL band behind him] Hey, boys! Do you know "White Cliffs of Dover"? "White Cliffs of Dover" -- great! Right. All I need now is a plate of, uh, seafood salad. Do we have any seafood salad? [points into the audience] We have some down here, sir. Right. Could you pass it through, please? Lovely. [a plate of seafood salad is passed through the audience to Sid] Give 'em a hand. You'll get it back at the end of the show. [applause] Right. And a couple of household cats. Two domestic cats. Do we have any domestic cats? No, no. Two, two is all we need. [zoom up to the balcony where numerous audience members hold up cats] Yeah, just the first two that come to hand, just bring 'em down here. Nice little squeakers. Bring 'em down, lovely. Couple o' little ones, very good. [two stagehands enter and stand on either side of Sid holding cats]

Now! I haven't done it for a while. Just hope I can remember it. Well, here goes. A-one, a-two, one, two, three, four! [the band launches into a lugubrious version of the World War II-era hit "(There'll Be Bluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover" and Sid tries to sing along as he dumps the entire plate of seafood salad into the front of his baggy pants] "There'll be ..." [Sid hands the empty plate to one of the stagehands who hands it to someone off screen] "...the White..." -- In with the buggies! In with the buggies! -- "... of Dover!" [the stagehand tries to force the cat into Sid's pants along with the seafood salad -- it's quite a struggle because the cat is fighting it every step of the way] Next one! Put it in! There we go! [the second cat is forced in with great effort and finally the stagehands depart to much applause as Sid performs a little dance while clutching at the cats struggling to get out of his pants - one cat escapes and flees but the other remains, its head sticking out above Sid's belt] We'll be right back!


Submitted Anonymously