Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17













77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker

Johnny.....Bill Murray
Susie.....Laraine Newman
Teacher.....Jane Curtin
Josh Ramsey.....Michael Sarrazin
Student.....Garrett Morris
Cheerleader #1.....Rosie Shuster
Cheerleader #2.....Anne Beatts
Teammate.....John Belushi
Mr. Ludlow.....Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Ludlow.....Gilda Radner

[ open on classroom setting ]

Johnny: Hey, Susie -- I haven't told my parents yet, but I've decided not to go away to college next year so that we can get married.

Susie: Oh, Johnny! That makes me SO happy!

[ they kiss ]

Teacher: Okay, okay -- quiet down, class! Quiet down! Now... for Home Room, we have a guest -- Mr. Josh Ramsey, who was nice enough to come over from the County Health Clinic to talk to us. Mr. Ramsey?

[ the class claps ]

Josh Ramsey: Thank you, Miss Henderson. I've come to talk to you all on a problem that's reached near-epidemic proportions here at Lincoln High. I'm talking, of course, about venereal disease.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: "Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker".

[ Josh Ramsey appears in iris over title card ]

Announcer: Starring Peter Fonda as Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker.

[ dissolve to full classroom set once again ]

Josh Ramsey: Now, I heard some of you giggle when I said "V.D." -- and, actually, that's quite natural. People giggle at things they don't understand -- especially sex. That's right -- sex! And it's virtually impossible to get V.D. except through sexual contact. ANYONE who tells you you can get V.D. through a doorknob or a toilet seat is just full of PRUNES! V.D. can cause blindness, insanity, even death! Let me show you something here... [ he holds up a grotesque photo, causing one female student to gasp ] Yes. This is a picture of a man in the third stage of syphillis. If you have a genital sore, a body rash, a burning sensation when urinating, or a milky emission, you may have venereal disease. Now, we at the County Health Clinic want you to come in and see us if you think you MIGHT have V.D.! And there's NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Anybody can get V.D.: Middle class, intelligent, nice people. Now, are there any questions?

Student: [ reluctantly ] Uh... yeah. Uh... did, uh, you ever, uh, have V.D.?

Josh Ramsey: [ taken aback ] Nooo!

[ the bell rings ]

Teacher: Now, wait just a second! Wait just a second, everybody! Now, I think what Mr. Ramsey said is very important, and I want you all to think about it. Okay... you can go.

[ everyone rushes out of the classroom ]

Johnny: [ to Susie ] Hey, uh... see you after the big game tonight.

Susie: Okay, Johnny!

[ Johnny exits the classroom, as Susie pauses, then approaches Josh Ramsey ]

Susie: Uh -- Mr. Ramsey, I wonder if I could come visit you at the Clinic?

Josh Ramsey: Sure. Why not after school?

Susie: Well... I'd have to skip cheerleader practice, but... I guess it's kind of important.

[ music sting, as we dissolve to the exterior of the V.D. Clinic ]

[ dissolve to school hallway, as two cheerleaders meet at the lockers ]

Cheerleader #1: It isn't like Susie to miss practice!

Cheerleader #2: I hope there isn't anything wrong!

Cheerleader #1: God... I hope not!

[ dissolve to V.D. Clinic, zoom in to window ]

[ dissolve to Susie in Josh Ramsey's office ]

Susie: ...So I decided to come see you.

Josh Ramsey: I'm glad you did, Susie. It certainly sounds like V.D. to me.

Susie: Do I get my penicillin shot now?

Josh Ramsey: Well, let's wait until the tests come back. But NO SEX, Susie!

Susie: Oh, I know. Well... thanks. I guess I'll go now.

Josh Ramsey: Fine -- as soon as you give me the list of your sexual contacts.

Susie: [ worried ] Sexual contacts?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. You know -- any boys you've had sex with. Or girls. [ Susie gasps ] Not -- there's nothing to be embarrassed about!

Susie: [ sobbing ] But... I can't!

Josh Ramsey: Susie... friends with whom you've had sex with could suffer irreversible physical and mental damage, if you don't tell me who they are!

Susie: But... but JOHNNY!!

Josh Ramsey: [ he grabs a pen and writes ] Johnny? Johnny who?

Susie: We were gonna get married! If he finds out I have V.D., he'll know I had sex with someone else.

Josh Ramsey: Maybe he gave it to you.

Susie: Nooo. Johnny's super-straight! I must have gotten it that one time, that one STUPID time!

Josh Ramsey: Susie... you owe it to the other boy and, most of all, you owe it to Johnny. Now, tell me -- Johnny's last name?

Susie: I can't! I love him!

Josh Ramsey: Don't you realize -- he'll find out sooner or later!

Susie: No! Maybe he doesn't have to. Maybe... I could get one of my girlfriends to SEDUCE him and... then he'll think SHE gave it to him! It's a weird idea, but a possiblity!

Josh Ramsey: Susie, you can't play games with venereal disease. It's a LOADED pistol pointed right at your CROTCH!

[ dissolve to Johnny and his teammate coming out of basketball practice ]

Teammate: I'm feeling great!

Johnny: Yeah, me, too, man! We're gonna STOMP Washington tonight, for sure!

Teammate: Yeah!

Johnny: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Teammate: Okay.

[ Johnny enters the boy's room ]

[ from within, he screams painfully, then emerges from the boy's room ]

Johnny: Boy... my penis sure hurts when I urinate!

Teammate: [ thinking ] Hey... you heard what that guy from the health clinic said? Maybe you got V.D.!

Johnny: Ah, I gave that a thought, but it's impossible! He said that the only way you can get V.D. is from sex. The only girl I've had sex with is Susie!

Teammate: Well, maybe she gave it to you.

Johnny: [ sour ] If you ever say that... about Susie again... I'll KILL you!

Teammate: Okay... okay...

[ Johnny storms off, as his teammate makes faces in his wake ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of a basketball game being played, as an intercom irises in the middle ]

Intercom V/O: Your attention, please. Your attention, please. Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please come to the First Aid station. She has venereal disease. Repeat: Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please report to the First Aid station immediately. She has venereal disease.

[ dissolve to the Ludlow household, as Johnny enters ]

Mr. Ludlow: Well, Son... I heard you won the game.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mr. Ludlow: [ chuckling ] It must feel great!

Johnny: Yeah. [ he sits next to his dad ]

Mrs. Ludlow: No. Something's wrong. A mother can ALWAYS tell!

Mr. Ludlow: [ reading the newspaper ] Ah, there's a picture in the paper of Susie Edwards. She's a friend of yours, isn't she, Johnny? [ he looks at the newspaper again ] It says here... she has venereal disease.

Mrs. Ludlow: Maybe you shouldn't be seeing that kind of girl, Johnny.

Mr. Ludlow: [ still reading ] It says here that health authorities are looking for two boys who have had sex with her -- one named Johnny.

Mrs. Ludlow: Johnny?!

Mr. Ludlow: Johnny? Have you been... being with Susie Edwards?!

Johnny: Yes! I've had SEX with her, if THAT'S what you mean!

Mrs. Ludlow: OHHH, MYYY GODDDD!!

Mr. Ludlow: HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX!! [ he swats Johnny with his newspaper ] Did you do it with any OTHER LITTLE SLUTS?!!

Johnny: NO!!! I loved Susie! I wanted to marry her!

Mr. Ludlow: [ outraged ] MARRY her?!! How could you want to marry a girl you've had SEX with?! My mother once told me: "Why eat GARBAGE on your wedding night when you can eat STEAK?!"

Johnny: [ crying ] I'm so confused!!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mr. Ludlow: The doorbell! Who could THIS be at THIS time of night?!

[ he answers the door to Susie and Josh Ramsey ]

Josh Ramsey: Hi. I'm Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker. [ he shakes Mr. Ludlow's hand ] You must be Johnny's father.

Mr. Ludlow: Yes... I am.

Josh Ramsey: If it's okay, we'd like to have a few words with you.

Mr. Ludlow: Does she have to come in?

Josh Ramsey: I think it's the right thing to do, Mr. Ludlow.

Mrs. Ludlow: [ upset ] Alright! She can come in, but she CAN'T use the BATHROOM!!

Susie: [ sobbing ] Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow... [ she sits next to Johnny ]

Johnny: Well -- if she's coming in, I'm leaving!

Josh Ramsey: Now, wait a minute, Johnny! Susie came here at MY insistence.

Susie: I'm sorry I hurt you, Johnny! I hope you don't HATE me!

Johnny: I'm sorry, but... I do.

Josh Ramsey: It's okay to hate her, Johnny. She knew the risks she was taking when she had sex with another boy.

Susie: It was just ONCE! I SWEAR it!

Johnny: I'm sorry, but I can't believe you any more, Susie. I never want to see you again!

[ the phone rings ]

Mrs. Ludlow: I'll get it! [ she answers the phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Hello. This is the County Health Clinic. Is V.D. Caseworker Josh Ramsey there?

Mrs. Ludlow: Yes, he is. Mr. Ramsey, it's for you.

Josh Ramsey: Oh. Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow. [ he takes the phone ] Josh Ramsey.

Voice on Phone: Josh -- those test results are in on the Edwards girl. It's not gonnorhea -- she's got a simple yeast infection.

Josh Ramsey: Ahhhh. Thank you, Seth.

Voice on Phone: Check that.

[ Josh Ramsey hangs up the phone ]

Josh Ramsey: Well, say, everybody. I have some interesting news. It seems that Susie doesn't have venereal disease after all. It's just a simple yeast infection.

Mr. Ludlow: Yeast infection?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. An unpleasant infection caused by any number of things, but NOT V.D. Well, I guess you won't be needing that penicillin shot, Susie.

Johnny: [ confused ] But how come my penis hurts so much when I urinate?

Josh Ramsey: Well... it's probably non-specific urinthritis aggravated by Susie's yeast infection. Nothing serious, Johnny. Just ease off sex for a while, stay away from alcohol, and drink a lot of cranberry juice... you'll be fine.

Susie: [ sweetly ] Johnny... do you still hate me?

Johnny: [ he grins ] Yes. I still hate you.

[ SUPER: "THE END" ]


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