Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18







77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Steve Martin's Monologue

.....Steve Martin
Audience Member.....Bill Murray

[ major applause from audience as Steve arrives on Home Base ]

Steve Martin: For me?! Thank you! Thank you very much! You know, a lot of people come to me, and they say, "Steve.. where do you get your comedy ideas?" Well, I try to draw them from real life, things that happen to you and me every day, things we can all relate to. Like, early in the morning, you're sound asleep, the telephone rings, and you pick up the phone and your voice is all scratchy and gravelly.. and you're going, "Hello-o-o-o.." The voice on the other end of the phone always says, "Oh. Did I assassinate your penguin?" [ audience chuckles lightly ] I can see this happens to you, too! Because you have to have ideas that relate to everyone, that everyone can understand. Not come out here and do things that are over the audience's head, otherwise you may as well be like, uh.. Dimitri in Con Disio Humane.. or Eduardo in "The Possessed".

But the danger in coming out on TV shows and doing omedy monologues and relasing comedy albums - you can be typecast as a comedian. So what I do in the summertime - I'm happy to announce this - I always do Shakespearean festivals. This summer I'll be going down to San Diego for two weeks to do Shakespeare in the Park - We'll be doing King Lear - I'll be playing the part of Little Richard. Then I'll go up to San Franscico for three weeks for Shakepspeare Under the Stars, we'll be doing Romeo & Juliet - I'll be playing the role of Earl the Jacuzzi Salesman.

But I had, a couple of months ago, a very important experience in my life, and I'd like to share it with you. I went to France, and I visited the Cathedreal at Sharte, and, I had a very moving experience. If you've never seen it, it's a magnificent building, probably 400 years old, beautiful stained glass, and, I have to be honest with you, I was very, very moved. And as I was.. writing my name on it with a can of spray paint.. I thought of something I read about a year ago that has completely changed my life, and tonight I would like to share this with you. It's not often in literature that you come across a phrase or sentence that really means a lot to you, and I'd like to read it for you right now. [ pulls paper out of pocket ] "Apply to infested area."

[ audience eventually applauds wildly ]

You know, I'm kind of into magic, and tonight I'd like to try something a little bit different I've been working out at different lcubs. I need a volunteer from the audience. Just anybody who wants to come up would be fine. You, sir. What's your name?

Audience Member: John Aldress.

Steve Martin: John Aldress. Have you ever been on TV before?

Audience Member: Mmm.. a ballgame once, in a long shot.

Steve Martin: So, uh, do you live out here, or whay?

Audience Member: No, I'm from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Steve Martin: From Lancaster, Pennsylvania, huh? That's real interesting, I think. So, what time do you go to work in the morning?

Audience Member: Oh.. around 8:30.

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pocket ] Do you like to have your watch when you go in to work at 8:30? [ holds up the watch ] Where do you work?

Audience Member: I work for the Ralston Purina Company.

Steve Martin: Ralston Purina, huh? You work eight hours.

Audience Member: Well, I travel a lot..

Steve Martin: What time do you get off?

Audience Member: Well, I quit about 4:30..

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pocket ] Well, maybe your watch would like to quit! [ holds up watch ] Do you have kids?

Audience Member: Yeah, I have a couple of kids.. three.. three children..

Steve Martin: Three children? [ tugs at man's pocket ] Do you carry pictures of them in your wallet, ladies and gentlemen! [ holds up wallet ] Do you have credit cards, do you carry a checkbook, or what?

Audience Member: Well, I have credit cards. I have a checkbook..

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pocket ] Maybe they're in your.. wallet! [ holds up wallet ] Listen, when you're getting dressed in the morning, what do you do, you put on your pants?

Audience Member: I put on my pants and, uh..

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pants ] What do you hold them up with? A belt, maybe! [ holds up belt ] Well, what happens if you don't have a belt, what do you do then?

Audience Member: Well.. I wear suspenders -

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pants ] Suspenders, maybe! [ holds up suspenders ] You put on your shoes, then what do you put on next?

Audience Member: Well, I put on my socks and some underwear -

Steve Martin: [ tugs at man's pants ] Some underwear! [ holds up underwear ] Do you put on another pair of suspenders, too, maybe? [ holds up suspenders ] And what about some other underwear! [ holds up underwear ] Say, how long have you had that moustache?

Audience Member: About three years.

Steve Martin: About three years? [ rips off moustache ]

Audience Member: Owww!!

Steve Martin: [ pulls on man's clothes ] So, you get dressed, and then you put this shirt on! [ pulls off man's shirt ] And what about this shoe! [ knocks man to the ground, pulls and wrestles to claim his shoe ] We'll be right back!


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