Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Next Week in Review

Maxine Universe.....Laraine Newman
Mitzi Molnar.....Jane Curtin
Cocuwa.....Steve Martin
Kreeg Antwoord.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on futuristic set, with TITLE CARD ]

Maxine Universe: Good evening, and welcome once again to "Next Week in Review", the show that believes any news is old news if it's already happened, and dares to predict what's going to happen next week. [ to her guests ] Well, psychics... you did superbly again last week. You batted 1.000 once more. Mitzi, you predicted that the Panama Canal Treaty would be approves by a 68-to-32 vote... Cocuwa, you predicted that Harry Reasoner would be leaving the ABC News because he didn't fit in with the plans... and, Kreeg, you predicted correctly that world heavyweight boxing champion Leon Spinks would be arrested for driving without headlights and having cocaine in his hat. Um -- but let's get on to tomorrow's headlines: What does next week look like? What's going to be the big story?

Kreeg Antwoord: I think... the big story will be the disappearance of the Barnwell, south Carolina nuclear dump. It's the second largest nuclear dump in the country, and everyone's going to be pretty concerned where it went.

Mitzi Molnar: But don't you think the Debbie Boone kidnapping will be a bigger story than the nuclear dump disappearance? After all, the public is more interested in people disappearing than dumps!

Kreeg Antwoord: Well, Mitzi, I... I feel that, although unreasonable, the kidnappers' demands will be met. Now, I know it's going to be hard for the record company to actually PROVE to the kidnappers that they actually have recalled and burned all three-and-a-half million million copies of "You Light up My Life". But I feel quite sure that executives will try to meet the demand. However, the nuclear dump disappearance is a story that just WON'T go away.

Cocuwa: But would you say it's a bigger issue than the Pope's cloning? I feel the interest in the fourteen-month old clone has been building, and when people hear that the Pope is the mysterious millionaire who actually commissioned the clone, well, it's going to be startling!

Maxine Universe: Uh, but do you think the Church will declare that the clone is infallible?

Cocuwa: Yes! [ pretending to remove his thumb ] Sometime in July... probably on the 19th.

Kreeg Antwoord: Uh -- uh -- uh -- a question: What sign is the clone? Would a clone be the same sign as the cell donor, or -- or -- or would it, uh, would it have the sign under which it was born? That's what's got me puzzled.

Mitzi Molnar: I think in these cases it would have a hyphenated sign. For instance, the Pope's clone would be an Aries-Leo. It's kind of like being born in a non-linear cusp!

Maxine Universe: Well, uh, Cocuwa -- you predicted every Time Magazine cover for the last two years. Um, what's going to be on the Time Magazine cover this week -- uh, next week -- the Pope's cloning, the nuclear dump disappearance, or the Boone-napping?

Cocuwa: NONE of the above, Maxine! You know that my adopted name -- Cocuwa -- means "To help without compensation" in Hawaiian. And I have NOTHING to gain in ANY way from the personal wealth of my great gift. I believe... next week's Time cover... will be about the recent communication from outer space.

Kreeg Antwoord: Uh -- uh -- uh, Cocuwa -- I agree with you that it would be the biggest story if the message was of any importance. But we all know how trivial it is.

Maxine Universe: Well, what -- you mean a foreign planet will actually send a message next week?

Cocuwa: No! A foreign planet actually SENT us a message last week. Next week, the government will reveal the message to the public.

Kreeg Antwoord: [ coughing ] You see, it all started on August 20th, 1977, when NASA put up a recording of the sounds of Earth on Voyager I. A two-hour long tape included, uh, natural sounds of animals, a French poem by Gaugliere, a passage from the Koran in Arabic, messages from President Carter, United Nations Secretary Kurt Waldheim, music -- everything from classical to Chuck Berry.

Maxine Universe: Uh -- and you're saying that the, uh -- another civilization has found the tape?

Cocuwa: Yes. They've sent us a message that actually proves it. It may be just four simple words, but it is the FIRST positive proof that other intelligent beings inhabit the universe.

Maxine Universe: Uh -- what are the four words, Cocuwa?

Cocuwa: The four words that came to us from outer space -- the FOUR words that will appear on the cover of Time Magazine next week -- are: [ he holds up the magazine" "Send More Chuck Berry".

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

Maxine Universe: I'm afraid our time is running out. To all our loyal viewers, I'm Maxine Universe. See you next week.

Cocuwa: [ pretending to remove his thumb ] I'm not so sure of that, Maxine!

Maxine Universe: You mean, we, uh, won't be on next week?

Mitzi Molnar: We may be on next week... but, perhaps, not you, Maxine.

Kreeg Antwoord: Don't worry, Maxine. You'll be leaving "Next Week in Review" because you don't fit in with the show's plans... you'll be out of work for months, but you'll end up co-hosting a biorythm show in Baltimore with Harry Reasoner.

[ Maxine frowns, as the camera pulls away and lifts into the audience to zoom in on a man with SUPER: "Celebrating Dental Checkup" ]

[ fade ]

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