Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Father Guido Sarducci

.....Richard Dreyfuss
Father Guido Sarducci.....Don Novello

Richard Dreyfuss: All the way from Rome -- the rock critic and gossip columnist for L'observateur Romano, the Vatican newspaper, and my spiritual advisor -- Father Guido Sarducci!

[ camera zooms over to Father Guido Sarducci standing on crutches ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it's-a wonderful to be back in-a America. I tell you, it's-a not so wonderful to be-a on-a these-a crutches! You know? But... that's-a the way-a it goes. I got into this-a big motorcycle accident -- in Rome. I just-a passed up a couple trucks, you know? And I-a just went down to-a straighten out my St. Christopher Medal... and-a from NOWHERE, you know, there's-a this like-a... [ he claps his hands together ] I got hit by a nun on a Vespa. That's right. I'm telling you. I was-a in the hospital, you know, and it's just been one thing after another, you know? But -- thank you, God -- I'm feeling better now, you know, and everything's-a pretty good.

While I was-a busy in the hospital, I was-a translating some-a new encyclical... that the pope's coming out with in a couple of months. And I'm-a telling you, it's gonna shake up a LOT of people. That-a Pope, you know, he's-a really got GUTS! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know... most of the time, we don't like-a to tell people new stuff, you know, because they can't-a change, you know? Like, we've known for years and years about Jesus' younger brother. He had a younger brother. Billy... was-a his name. Billy Christ. Actually, it's his-a stepbrother. Stepbrother, you know? And-a we got the PROOF, too. We got-a this-a PROOF. Because we got a lot of paintings, you know? And-a it shows Jesus walking on-a the water -- and-a next to him, you can see like there's a leaf in the water. You think it's a leaf, but if you look-a real close... you can=a see like it's the top of a snorkel. It was-a Billy down there, and, you know, and-a his-a brother was, you know, stepping on him. You know. On-a his-a shoulders, you had the snorkel, you know, and... I mean, I don't mean to make fun -- I mean-a, Jesus, you know, he was-a the greatest man who ever lived. But, I mean... he couldn't-a walk on water, you know? Coem on! Grow up! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ]

Anyway -- the Pope's-a doing an encyclical. It's called the "Vita est Lavorum." In English, that means: "Life, It's A Job." And that's-a what-a we found out -- life is hard, you think it's difficult sometimes? That's-a because it's a JOB! We're all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don't sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years... it's-a nothing to sneeze your nose at. And-a, what happens to you when-a you die... you know, it's like-a the soul leaves the body, it's like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel -- but you're not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby... 'til the day you die. And then... they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then... God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it's like, uh... like, maybe like stealing a car's like $400. Murder is... maybe, you know, the worst -- it's like $50,000. And masturbation... eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That's-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know -- there is-a NO free lunch.

Anyway -- you got-a all of your sins, you know? And if you have enough money to pay for your sins, you can-a go to Heaven. But -- if you don't have enough money, you gotta go back again, you know? And, like, be born again, and, like going back-a to work, you know? And-a, you know, it's-a real-a tough. But... [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] some guys, like mafiosa types, you know, they might have to spend-a four, five lifetimes as nuns... just making up for it, you know? Most nuns are former mafiosas. I don't know if you know that. That's the truth.

Anyway -- it was-a MORE than wonderful spending a couple of moments in here-a with you. Arriverderci, America!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts