Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20










77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Olympia Cafe

Written by: Don Novello

Sandy ... Laraine Newman
George ... Dan Aykroyd
Nico ... Bill Murray
Pete Dionasopolis ... John Belushi
Female Customer ... Gilda Radner
Male Customer ... Garrett Morris
Fussy Eater ... Jane Curtin
Al ... Buck Henry
Extra ... Tom Schiller

[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook, flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound of plates clattering. Pull back to reveal The Olympia Restaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy, the waitress, leans over the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis, approaches one of his regular customers who sits at the counter.]

Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?

Female Customer: I think I'll have the usual, Pete.

Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!

Nico: Chip!

Pete: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading a newspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]

Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill on this coffee?

Pete: No.

Male Customer: Hey, man, I can't have a refill of coffee, man?

Pete: Too late!

Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh, you should have asked for the refill while you were still eating the cheeseburger. They don't give refills when you're done eating.

Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I'll pay for the second cup of coffee.

Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on, let's go!

Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I just wanna read the article--

Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! You wanna read? Get out of here!

Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!

Pete: Beat it! Come on!

[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up the sale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress, approaches the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay, what are you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Um, I'll have a fried egg sandwich.

Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?

Pete: Good.

Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are they cooked?

Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?

Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in the basement is loose again.

Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!

[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet off the wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scene with Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barely understands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to an extra seated at the counter.]

Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just have burgers here? [Nico doesn't understand what she's saying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you think I could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding and smiling] I could? Aw, good. 'Cause I just read an article that said that meat cooked on a grill causes cancer. Did you read that?

Nico: Cheeseburger?

Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It's cooking the meat too close to the flame that causes it.

Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nico away] Ah, come on, come on, let's go, get out of here. [to fussy eater] What you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Uh, I'll have a broiled hamburger.

Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?

Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, we give you broiled. All right?

Fussy Eater: Okay, I'll have a broiled hamburger, well done.

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters the diner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]

Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I'm Al from Rent-a-Doberman.

Pete: What?

Al: [distinctly] I'm from Lease-a-Doberman.

Pete: Ah! Eh?

Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, said they wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.

Pete: How much?

Al: Well, it's like I tried to tell ya on the phone, it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hours per night you want him for. [looks around] I should think a place like this, uh, would need only one dog. What time do you, uh - What time do you close?

Pete: Eleven o'clock.

Al: What time do you open?

Pete: Five.

Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pick him up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobody can come in here between those hours without getting his arm bit off.

Pete: All right. How much?

Al: Just a minute, I'll figure it out. [takes pencil from behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]

Pete: All right.

Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn't, uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico who hears his name mentioned and wonders what's going on]

Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Nobody's gonna be able to sleep around no hungry Dobie. [laughs] We don't feed 'em much, keeps 'em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]

Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to the female customer] Somebody broke in next door. I need protection, you know?

Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?

Pete: Who's afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.

Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you're going to fire Nico?

Pete: No. [decisively] Now!

Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who's going to tell him he's fired?

Pete: You. You tell him.

Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]

Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don't you tell him he's fired?

George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turns back to the grill]

Pete: All right, all right. I'll tell him. [to a confused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apron off Nico and pushes him to the front door of the diner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nico out] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who has ignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes notes on his pad. In the background, Nico's forlorn face appears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]

Pete: Hm?

Al: Huh?

Pete: How much?

Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you. We'd be making a special pick-up at that time of the morning. I--

Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him to come back in] Come on.

[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives him back his apron.]

Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.

Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico and pushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!

[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly and resumes his place outside the diner window, peering in forlornly, as Pete listens to Al's proposal.]

Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old German Shepherds I'm having some problems with. I'll put them both in here. I'll only charge you forty-five dollars.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: [irritated] There's no way I can put two dogs in here for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that much just to feed 'em.

Pete: Uhhhh... Twenty-two.

Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I'm sorry. Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If you change your mind, here's my card. [hands Pete a business card and exits the diner]

Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nico enters hesitantly, unsure of Pete's intentions] Come on. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return to their places behind the counter] All right. [to female customer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussy eater] Huh? You got it?

[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]

Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. This cheeseburger wasn't broiled. I just saw him take it off the grill.

Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject] What to drink?

Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiled hamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.

Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on, come on, come on.

Fussy Eater: I'm afraid if I order a Coke, I'll get a Pepsi.

Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.

Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn't paying attention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabs a menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico with it] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: [wearily] Pepsi...

Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[Applause. Zoom in on the grill as George throws down a series of burger patties.]

[pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: "coming up next... The Double Entendre New Testament"]

[fade]


Submitted Anonymously


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