Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20











77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Stunt Puppy

Director ("Bri").....Bill Murray
Tommy.....Tom Schiller
Cheryl.....Gilda Radner
Gwen.....Jane Curtin
Howard.....Buck Henry
Roy.....Garrett Morris

[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]

Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let's have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten -- in this scene, you're the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away -- or get bored with it right away, okay?

Cheryl: Okay!

Director: Okay. And you're the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?

Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?

Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?

Cheryl: I'm TWELVE?

Director: Okay... [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!

Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so...!

Director: Good! Isn't she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you're the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?

Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]

Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?

Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]

Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You're psychotic...

Howard: Yes, yes!

Director: You hate your wife...

Howard: Uh-huh!

Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: And you hate her.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Because she's spoiled.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.

Howard: Gotcha, right!

Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard's head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let's bring in...?

Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.

Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya', fellow! [ he rubs Roy's head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy... in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one's taking care of him, no one's training him...

Roy: Ah!

Director: He's confused, he's nervous. So... he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?

Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this... [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?

Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you're amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll 'em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!

Tommy: "Animal Abuse", Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And... ACTION!

[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]

Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!

Cheryl: Ohhh, please?

Howard: No! I don't want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!

Cheryl: NO!!

Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it'll be okay.

[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]

Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!

Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!

Cheryl: I don't wanna!

Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!

Gwen: She's only ten years old! You CAN'T expect her to clean it up!

Howard: Alright, then -- YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!

Gwen: I can't! I vomit!

Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I'LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I'm getting RID of this damn dog!!

Cheryl: Well, I don't care!! 'Cause I don't WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]

Gwen: Now you've upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]

Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don't know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You're doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]

Director: CUUUUUTTT!!

[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard's hands ]

Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!

[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]

Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.

Howard: Good!

Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.

Roy: Yeah! This, uh -- this is, uh, Tippy!

Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya'! [ he grabs the dog's paw ] Okay, Tipster... Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?

Roy: Oh, sure!

[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]

Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?

Roy: Oh, sure! He's got strong ears, strong tail -- you can do ANYTHING to him!

[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]

Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I'm gonna FINE you a hundred dollars -- and everyone on my set -- for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?

Tommy: "Animal Abuse", Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]

Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!

Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy's leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]

Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!

Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!

Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How's Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?

[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]

Roy: He's alright!

Director: Ahhhh, that's a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey -- I want to work with you again! That's a promise! That's a wrap, everybody! Let's get some sleep. Eight o'clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.

Howard: Brian! Terrific!

[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]


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