Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Samurai TV Repairman

Mr. Dantley.....Buck Henry
Samurai.....John Belushi

[ open on interior, TV Repair shop ]

Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.

Announcer: And now, another episode of..

[ SUPER: "Samurai TV Repairman" ]

Announcer: .."Samurai TV Repairman".

Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.

Samurai: [ grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I've gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.

Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]

Mr. Dantley: That's right. I've got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.

Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I've got no sound, and I've got no picture.

Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]

Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?

Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don't understand it, it's.. it's a relatively new set. See, here's the Inspector's tag. Uh.. it doesn't do me much good to know that the Inspector's number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory's all the way in Japan.

Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]

Mr. Dantley: 68? I'd like to get my hands on #68.

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: What?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: I don't know what's the matter with-

Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It's 89. my mistake.

Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I've really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I've got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..

Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]

Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you've had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?

Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman's School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?

Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..

Samurai: [ points to skin ]

Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..

Samurai: [ points to kimono ]

Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that's great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I'll tell you - I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.

Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that's all.

Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]

Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!

Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]

Mr. Dantley: That's fantastic! You've restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..

[ SUPER: "Samurai TV Repairman" ]

Announcer: .."Samurai TV Repairman".

[ cut to close-up of audience member, "Has Fantasies Rated G" superimposed in front of her ]

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