Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Mayor Koch Honors John Belushi

.....Ed Koch
.....John Belushi

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of the city of New York -- Ed Koch!

Mayor Ed Koch: [Applause continues as Koch, in a suit and tie, enters and walks to center stage. He basks in the applause until the music ends, then stretches his arms and says:] How'm I doin'?! [Applause. Cheers.] I'm delighted to be here to, uh, welcome Saturday Night Live back to New York. This is the fourth season and we want them to know how grateful we are that they're here in this great city. [Applause.] I'm on this show for, really, two reasons. One is to speak to the nation. We here in New York want to tell those of you in other states how much we appreciate what you did for us when we were down and out and needed your help -- and you came through! We want to say to all of those of you out there: Thanks for the loan -- you won't be sorry! [Applause. Cheers.] New York City is a great place in which to live. We're very lucky those of us who are here, but this city belongs to everybody and we are going through a great renaissance. Saturday Night is one reason for this renaissance -- an insignificant reason, but a reason nevertheless. The people on this show, they could have chosen to go elsewhere but they came here, to New York City instead of Pittsburgh, Denver, Newark... Some could probably even get work in Hollywood, which brings me to the second, and main, reason why I'm here tonight and that is to officially honor a member of the Saturday Night cast. He's appeared off-Broadway here in New York and he's gone on to be one of the stars of this show and most recently distinguished himself in the field of motion pictures. A great New Yorker -- John Belushi! [Applause. Cheers. Wearing sneakers, jeans, a suit coat and tie, Belushi enters and joins Ed Koch. They shake hands.] John, your current film, Animal House, is, uh, breaking box office records in New York and across the country and, as a resident of our city, you've helped to make it the vital, creative center that it is now. And on behalf of myself and the people of the city of New York, I'd like to present you with a City of New York Certificate of Merit. [Koch pulls certificate from inside jacket pocket, unfolds it, and presents it to Belushi who takes it. Koch and the audience applaud as Belushi looks it over.]

John Belushi: [tries not to show his disappointment] Thank you, uh, Mayor Koch. Uh... Uh, this is a great honor. It's, uh, a very nice Certificate of Merit, uh... I could, uh, put it on my wall. It'll-- [suddenly, in disbelief] Mr. Mayor, is this it? This piece of paper here? I mean, isn't there a key to the city of something? You know, I mean-- Dolly Parton got a key to the city, remember?

Mayor Ed Koch: John, the key to the city is a different kind of honor.

John Belushi: Yeah, it's a BIGGER honor. You know? I mean, uh... I lived here for six years, you know? A blonde with a rack rolls in from Nashville and you give her the key to the city. She's lives in L.A. in a trailer! Was SHE in a movie? I mean, Animal House has made sixty million dollars, you know? [Applause. Cheers.] Sixty million dollars, you know? Does New York have SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS?! Sixty million dollars for ... Universal Studios! That's right! And you know what I got out of it?! Nine hundred bucks!

Mayor Ed Koch: John, I'm just here to congratulate you...

John Belushi: Hold it, Ed! You know, I didn't even get a, a, a point from the film. You know? I didn't get a percentage of the profits! I got ZIP! Do you think that's fair?!

Mayor Ed Koch: No. And if it were up to me, you'd get a percentage.

John Belushi: Percentage of what? New York City? Come on! What's THAT worth? All you come up with is a Certificate of Merit! I got one of these in grade school! [crumples certificate and throws it on the floor] I don't need this!

Mayor Ed Koch: John, uh, fortunately, I just happen to have another Certificate of Merit. [pulls out another piece of paper and offers it to Belushi]

John Belushi: Not now, Koch! You know, I didn't have to come back here. You know, I could've stayed in Hollywood, you know, everyone told me, "Stay and make movies! You know? You don't have to go back there, where ya have to clean up after your own dog!" You know? And making films is so much easier. You know, they say, uh, "Are you ready, John?" Uh ... "No, I'm not ready right now." "Okay. Uh, ten minutes?" I said, "Okay, maybe ten minutes." "Would you like some more iced tea, John?" "Yeah, okay, I'll have some iced tea. Yeah, I'll be ready in a second." You know?! I could have stayed in Hollywood, taken all those big offers, had a house on Mulholland Drive, but nooooooooooooooo! [Applause.] I gotta stay here, come back to New York City, and work for these late night TV wages! Four hundred and fifty bucks A SHOW! That's how much we get! You know how much they get on Laverne and Shirley?! Lenny and Squiggy get five grand a show!

Mayor Ed Koch: John! I wish you would just accept the certificate.

John Belushi: [calmer] Okay. I'm sorry, Mayor. I'll accept your thing here. [takes paper and carelessly stuffs it in his jacket pocket] Uh, look, uh, I-I-I'm sorry, you know, I mean, this isn't the place to talk about how Universal screwed me. You know? So... It's just that I live here, I pay taxes, you know, I sweated out the Beame years, you know. [TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Abe Beame was mayor before Koch] I'm, uh, I'm not saying that I'm the-the greatest actor, you know, uh, in the world. Or that Anima-Animal House is the greatest film in the world but, you know, it's a good film. Very good film. [straightens his tie] I do some very cute things in that movie. You know, like, uh, the thing with the Jell-O in the cafeteria line, remember that? Huh?

Mayor Ed Koch: I'm afraid I don't, John.

John Belushi: Well, it was just before the mashed potato thing. You remember that? Huh?

Mayor Ed Koch: No, John. Regrettably, I haven't seen the flick.

John Belushi: [upset again] You HAVEN'T seen the movie?! [gestures to the pocket with his certificate] You give me this?! Are you kidding?!

Mayor Ed Koch: I've been very busy.

John Belushi: [pauses, suddenly reasonable] Look, do you know where the Waverly Theater is?

Mayor Ed Koch: Sure I do. It's six blocks from my house.

John Belushi: They've got a midnight show. [puts hand on Koch's shoulder] Did you have a hat or a coat or something?

Mayor Ed Koch: Coat.

John Belushi: Could somebody get the Mayor's coat?! [starts leading Koch away] Look, we'll go downtown now and catch it -- it's a good movie, you know? We'll take a cab or something.

Mayor Ed Koch: Uh, bus, but I'd rather stay here.

John Belushi: We'll take the bus. You wanna stay here? Well, we gotta take-- see the movie. [to the camera] We'll be right back! [Applause as Belushi and Koch exit.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts