Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1






78a: The Rolling Stones

The Nerds & The Norge

Todd.....Bill Murray
Mrs. Loopner.....Jane Curtin
Lisa Loopner.....Gilda Radner
Norge Repairman.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Mrs. Loopner singing to herself in her kitchen, as Lisa and Todd enter ]

Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Todd! Hi, Lisa!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!

Todd: What a becoming housecoat, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Ohh.. flattery will get you everywhere, Todd! You kids must be starving, let me get you some miniature marshmallows.

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom!

Todd: Thank-you, Mrs. Loop-nerrr.

[ the miniature marshmallows are distributed ]

Mrs. Loopner: Now, which one of you is the new President of the Chess Club?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, they don't pick 'til Friday. Mom! Why are you taking everything out of the refrigerator?

Mrs. Loopner: Well, the old Norge is on the fritz again - I'm just cleaning it out for the refrigerator repairman. [ grabs envelope ] Oh, Lisa, this came for you today!

Lisa Loopner: Oh! A note from Boris Basky, the famous Russian chess player!

Todd: [ grabs note from Lisa ] Let me see that!

Lisa Loopner: Todd! Come on! It's my letter!

Todd: [ reading ] "Dear Comrade 'Four-Eyes' Loopner: yours was the stupidest letter I've ever received in my life, and if you really want to learn about chess, you should ask your future President of the Walter Shore High School Chess Club, young, incredible, great Todd DiLaMuca! Dearestly yours, Boris Spazzalopolis."

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that's so funny, I forgot to laugh! [ takes note back ] Come here, mom, this is what it really says: "Dear, Miss Loopner: Congratulations! King's knight to Queen's pawn four was an ingenius move. You should have no trouble becoming President of your high school Chess Club with that head on your shoulder. Sincerely, Boris Basky."

Todd: I hope he's right about that.

Lisa Loopner: Well, I'm going to be President of the Chess Club, and you're going to be President of the Pepperoni Pizza Face Club!"

Todd: You want to say it instead of spraying it, young lady? You won't win, anyway, not with my new campaign song. [ starts singing parody of "Grease" ] "Chess is the word, it's the word that you heard, chess has moves, chess has feelings." [ Lisa and her mom dance wildly around the kitchen ] "Oh, Chess is the time, is the place, is the motion.."

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Todd, you keep me so young. [ laughs ] If it was up to me, there'd be two presidents of the Chess Club! Lisa, would you bring in the refrigerator repairman, I'm going over to Grandma Loopner's.

Lisa Loopner: Okie-dokie, Mom, bye!

[ Mrs. Loopner exits ]

Todd: Oh, Lisa.. I really need your help with my History homework.

Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd, you know if you sincerely need my help, you can always count on it.

Todd: Oh, good.. because I'm studying all about.. [ grabs under Lisa's blouse ] ..underdeveloped nations!

Lisa Loopner: [ laughing ] Cut it out, Todd!

Todd: That doesn't help much..

Lisa Loopner: Why don't you go play in traffic?

Todd: Oh, that's hysterical that you mentioned "traffic", because here comes the Noogie Patrol! [ pounds noogies onto Lisa's head ] Agghh! Here's those Fall noogies you ordered! Black and blue is going to be a big color this year, my dear!
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Crater Face! [ the doorbell rings, Lisa lets the Norge repairman in ] You must be the Refrigerator repairman.

Norge Repairman: Yeah. Where's the.. [ spots the Norge ] What a beauty! An old Norge, you don't see many of these things anymore.

Lisa Loopner: No, not too often..

[ the Norge repairman bends down, revealing a crack in his butt, as Todd and Lisa make a few cracks of their own ]

Lisa Loopner: Hey, Todd! You think we should offer him some miniature mashmallows!

Todd: No, I think maybe he might like the big ones!

Lisa Loopner: It's too bad you're not studying overdeveloped nations!

Todd: I think maybe I'll switch to Math.. and go into long division!

Norge Repairman: You know.. when I was a kid, homework wasn't so much fun. [ returns to his work ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, we're just laughing at something funny that happened on the way home from.. [ laughing ] ..school!

Todd: Yeah! The moon came out surprisingly early!

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd.. no wisecracks!

[ Mrs. Loopner returns to the kitchen ]

Mrs. Loopner: I'm back, kids!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: [ to the Norge Repairman ] Oh, you must be the man from ABC Plumbing. I'm Enid Loopner, how's the old Norge?

Norge Repairman: Just a sec, ma'am..

Mrs. Loopner:[ to the kids ] My nose tells me I've got some egg salad over here about to go ba-ad.. [ brings the snack to the table ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, egg salad, my favorite!

Mrs. Loopner: Egg salad for everyone! You know, your father - God rest his soul - used to say "Happiness is a Norge full of Tang and egg salad." [ to the Repairman ] So, Doctor, will the patient live?

Norge Repairman: I don't know.. she's got a leak in her condensor, something's wrong with the freon compressor. Looks like you need new expansion valves. Parts are hard to find on an old Norge, I'd better take it down to the shop.

Mrs. Loopner: [ solemn ] Oh, Lisa.. you were too young to remember.. but they took your father away like that.

Lisa Loopner: And he never came back?

Mrs. Loopner: Nope. He died.

Lisa Loopner: First Daddy, and now the Norge..

Norge Repairman: Hey, I just want to get your signature on this thing, ma'am, if I could.. [ pulls pencil out of his buttcrack ] Just sign that there. I'll do my darndest to get the ol' Norge back - I'm sorry I can't do anything about the.. late Mr. Loopner..

Everyone: God rest his soul..

Todd: Oh, hey.. cheer up, everyone. Hold on.. [ turns on his music and starts singing again ] "Norge is the fridge, is the fridge that you had, but they'll be a new Norge tomorrow - new Norge! A Norge that's all well, it'll be nice, it'll make ice for the Tang of tomorrow!"

[ Norge Repairman wheels the Norge out the kitchen door ]

Lisa Loopner: Goodbye, Norge!

Mrs. Loopner: Come back soon, Norge!

[ fade out ]


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