Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1









78a: The Rolling Stones

Olympia Cafe

Sandy.....Laraine Newman
Patron.....Rosie Shuster
George.....Dan Aykroyd
Nico.....Bill Murray
Gilda.....Gilda Radner
New Waitress.....Garrett Morris
.....Ron Wood
.....Charlie Watts
Pete.....John Belushi
Patron 2.....Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Olympia Cafe, George grilling six cheeseburgers at once ]

[ at the register, Sandy takes an order over the phone as a patron pays her tab ]

Sandy: All right. [ to George ] Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

Sandy: [ on phone ] No. No fries -- chip. [ to Nico ] Chip, chip, chip!

Nico: Chip, chip, chip!

Sandy: [ on phone ] What to drink? No. No Coke -- Pepsi. [ to Nico ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Sandy: [ on phone ] Ten minutes. [ she hangs up ]

Gilda: Hey, Sandy... why's everybody so sad around here today?

Sandy: Ah, it's Pete.

Gilda: What happened?

Sandy: He's coming back. Today.

Gilda: Well, I thought he was supposed to be away another week. Something happened?

Sandy: Well, he didn't inherit too much money.

Gilda: You mean, he went all the way to Greece because somebody died?

Sandy: That's right. His uncle left him money, and if he wanted to get it he had to go all the way to Greece. He didn't want to go, but everybody said to him, you know, "Oh, you don't know, it could be lots of money." So, he went.

Gilda: Well, how much did he get?

Sandy: $400. Not even enough to pay for the plane ticket.

Gilda: Well, he'll be excited when he gets back and sees how you fixed up the place!

Sandy: That's right. You know, uh... [ she points to the far wall ] that mural there, that was Nico's idea. He painted it himself.

Gilda: Ohhh.

[ zoom in on the mural across the room ]

Sandy: That is Potmos. It is down where Pete had to go to get his money. See? The only way to get there is by donkey. See?

[ Nico steps forward, smiling shyly ]

Gilda: Oh! You did that, Nico?

[ Nico smiles and points shyly ]

Gilda: Oh!

[ a new waitress walks up to the grill ]

New Waitress: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Uh, four chips, four Pepsis.

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

George brings a cheeseburger to Ron Wood ]

George: Okay, what to drink?

Ron Wood: I'll have a Pepsi.

George: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

George: [ to Charlie Watts ] Finished?

Charlie Watts: Yeah.

[ George picks up the half-eaten cheeseburger and shoves it into his mouth ]

[ Nico brings Ron Wood his Pepsi ]

Nico: Pepsi. [ he holds up a pepper grinder ] Pepper?

Ron Wood: [ thinks about it ] Yeah, just a little.

Nico: Say when! [ he begins to grind ]

Ron Wood: That's fine.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay?

Ron Wood: Yeah. That's okay.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: When!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: Right.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay.

Ron Wood: Yeah.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: WHEN!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: YES!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] Yes?

Ron Wood: NO!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] No? No.

Ron Wood: No!

Nico: [ he stops grinding ] Okay.

[ the phone rings ]

Sandy: [ answering ] Olympia! [ pause ] Nico!

[ Pete appears in the window as Nico takes the phone ]

Gilda: Hey, everybody! There's Pete!

[ Nico quickly hangs up the phone and returns to his position behind the counter ]

[ a dejected Pete slowly enters the cafe ]

[ everyone greets Pete ]

Gilda: Hi, Pete! How was Greece? [ Pete doesn't say a word ] Uh -- uh -- the place sure looks different, doesn't it!

Sandy: Look, Pete, uh -- red vests! Uh, just like, uh, dinner garden!

Gilda: And, uh -- look at -- look at this mural over here, uh -- Nico did it!

[ Pete doesn't look impressed, then, finally: ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs a boothful of customers and yanks them toward the door ]

Patron 2: But we weren't finished eating!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs the new waitress and hurls her toward the door ]

New Waitress: But I work here!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete tosses Ron Wood and Charlie Watts out the door ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete slams the door shut and flips the CLOSED sign around ]

[ Gilda cmes running back in ]

Gilda: Pete! Come back! Somebody's driving away your car! Maybe we should call the Police or something!

[ Pete looks out into the street, then closes the door dejectedly ]

Gilda: Um -- Pete! Pete, don't worry -- you'll probably get it back.

Pete: My wife.

Gilda: [ confused ] Your wife was in the car? [ he nods ] I thought I saw somebody sitting in the back seat. He probably didn't see her. He probably just saw the keys and drove off.

[ feeling a migraine coming ] My luggage.

Gilda: Your luggage was in there, too?

[ Pete sighs heavily, then slumps his body at the counter ]

Gilda: Sandy? Do you think it'd be alright if I ordered some food to go? [ Sandy nods ] Uh -- two cheeseburgers, two Pepsis.

Sandy: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger! Pepsi, Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

[ Nico just stares down at Pete, who, aggravated by his lack of work eithics, jumps to his feet and slaps Nico with a menu ]

Pete: PEPSI, PEPSI, PEPSI!!!

[ zoom out, with SUPER: "coming up next... Dirty Aerial Photographs" ]

[ fade ]


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