78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

.....Jane Curtin
.....Bill Murray
.....Dan Aykroyd

Bill Murray: ... I see you've got a special guest over there, Jane.

Jane Curtin: That's right, Bill. This week we'd like to introduce an old co-worker in a new Weekend Update segment, an editorial comment by our station manager. Here is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: [wearing gray suit and eyeglasses - grim, intense and fast] Thank you, Jane. Good evening. Well, it's football season again, we're right in the middle of it. And as usual every team's crew of female cheerleaders's providing the same supportive histrionics from the sidelines. However, this year, there are less cheers and more leers and it's the fans in the stands who do the leering at the girls who do the cheering because this season these cheer ladies are more nudely, more lewdly, more crudely attired than ever.

Now, I suppose a modicum of enthusiasm from the sidelines helps the morale of the team and supporters and it's not the maintenance of team spirit I take issue with. Rather, I'm objecting to three specific elements of these cheerleading displays and here they are, from the ground up.

One, vinyl boots. The nudity of a young woman's leg is more than enough. A skintight red or white vinyl boot provides the already natural sensual shape of a woman's calf with a most unnecessary enhancement.

Two, the gap. That is, the intentional use of tight-fitting short shorts as an engineering device to distinctly exaggerate the external perimeters of a female's vagina. The deliberate display of this vortex, in my mind, has nothing to do with football or any other sport.

Three, the ripple or bounce. By this I mean the consciously designed exposure of the upper mammalial carriage, an exposure at times so extensive that on particularly cold or windy days, the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible through binoculars from any seat in the stadium.

Can the game go on without the boots, the gap and the ripple? I think so. So, cover up, girls, or get off the field and let the boys play ball. This is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Thank you.

[Applause. Cut to a wide shot of Dan, Jane and Bill. On the Chroma-Key screen between Jane and Bill is an image of a globe. A giant hand reaches into view and spins the globe.]

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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