78c: Frank Zappa

The Coneheads at Home

Beldar Conehead ... Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead ... Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead ... Laraine Newman
... Frank Zappa

[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, an extraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak trying to fit unobtrusively into middle class America. The father, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front door carrying a briefcase.]

Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I'm home!

[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes the multicolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal his unnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone. SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME - He puts down and his briefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinary American clothes but with a small silver cape tied around his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat, enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has a cone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She and Beldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touching cones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaat sets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer and bags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie and partakes of the beer.]

Beldar: The relation of the earth's axis to its sun is most noticeable today.

Prymaat: Yes, it's colder than a larthgor's mib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to our human neighbors. You must collect the fallen tree particles.

Beldar: There is no human custom which says the female spousal unit may not collect the tree particles.

Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one who installed the exterior transparent weather panels!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters and drops off her school books. Like her parents, she speaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver cape and has a huge cone head.]

Connie: Greetings, parental units! [starts up stairs]

Beldar: Wait!

[Connie freezes.]

Beldar: Get your young cone over here.

[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on the sofa.]

Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.

Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare my cone.

Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night! Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.

Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with the increasing frequency of your nocturnal interaction with the humans.

Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handle myself.

Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and I are not completely unaware of the problems which present themselves to you as a young, attractive cone on this miserable planet.

Connie: Oh, boy. You're not going to relate your life tales about the Arzoolians again?

Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was young I lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep in the Krint belts. All during this time not one Garneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on the day when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined by Shebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with an unhoned cone.

Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened the senso-experience for both of us.

Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module for three whole dreeodes.

Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!

Beldar: And, except for those two flathrags from Meepzor, it was my first time as well.

Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You never told me about flathrags from Meepzor!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]

Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared my cone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connie rushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat move stiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]

Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust] Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to reveal walrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears a trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]

Beldar: Greetings.

Prymaat: Enter.

[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes his glasses.]

Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs., uh, Conehead.

Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?

Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.

Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?

Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I'm giving a concert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue card people] No, that should be out there -- it shouldn't be in there. Oh, yeah, and - [back to scene] And Connie is my special guest.

Beldar: Concert?

Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering of humans to absorb sound patterns.

Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while I communicate with this human.

[Prymaat exits.]

Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] I invite you to consume mass quantities.

[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit. Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack of beer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tears open a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handful into his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men, mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give each other a wary look. Cheers and applause.]

Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet.....?

[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor and tries to deliver his line but he and the audience begin laughing.]

Frank Zappa: Excuse me!

Beldar: Zappa!

Frank Zappa: Yeah?

Beldar: Where - where did you meet our young one?

Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front row last night and I knew she was really special.

Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I am concerned with whom our young one interacts.

Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you're coming from ... [breaks up laughing] And I realize that as French people you must be very wary of Americans. Don't worry, I used to have a French person in the band and I know I can take good care of her.

Beldar: Good.

[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears much sexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headband around her cone along with her silver cape.]

Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.

Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa rises and joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist] Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presented you with square doctrines.

Frank Zappa: No, they're - they're not square, they're okay.

[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie and Frank.]

Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa's record album, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discs which are gifts from this human.

Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up, impressed] You? Produce these?

Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection - an unauthorized collection - of my latest sound patterns.

Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.

[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the front door.]

Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated time coordinates!

Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead!

[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect the album.]

Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboard jacket and removes the vinyl record] What fine compressed petroleum binding polymers!

[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out of the record and chew the crunchy vinyl noisily.]


Submitted Anonymously