78c: Frank Zappa
The Coneheads at Home
Beldar Conehead ... Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead ... Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead ... Laraine Newman
... Frank Zappa
[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, an
extraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak trying
to fit unobtrusively into middle class America. The
father, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front door
carrying a briefcase.]
Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I'm
[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes the
multicolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal his
unnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone.
SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME - He puts down and his
briefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinary
American clothes but with a small silver cape tied
around his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat,
enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has a
cone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She and
Beldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touching
cones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaat
sets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer and
bags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie and
partakes of the beer.]
Beldar: The relation of the earth's axis to
its sun is most noticeable today.
Prymaat: Yes, it's colder than a larthgor's
mib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to our
human neighbors. You must collect the fallen tree
Beldar: There is no human custom which says
the female spousal unit may not collect the tree
Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one who
installed the exterior transparent weather panels!
[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters and
drops off her school books. Like her parents, she
speaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver cape
and has a huge cone head.]
Connie: Greetings, parental units! [starts up
Beldar: Get your young cone over here.
[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on the
Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.
Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare my
Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night!
Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.
Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with the
increasing frequency of your nocturnal interaction
with the humans.
Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handle
Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and I
are not completely unaware of the problems which
present themselves to you as a young, attractive cone
on this miserable planet.
Connie: Oh, boy. You're not going to relate
your life tales about the Arzoolians again?
Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was young
I lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep in
the Krint belts. All during this time not one
Garneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on the
day when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined by
Shebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with an
Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened the
senso-experience for both of us.
Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module for
three whole dreeodes.
Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!
Beldar: And, except for those two flathrags
from Meepzor, it was my first time as well.
Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You never
told me about flathrags from Meepzor!
Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!
[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]
Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared my
cone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connie
rushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat move
stiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]
Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust]
[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to reveal
walrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears a
trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]
[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes his
Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs.,
Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?
Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.
Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?
Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I'm giving a
concert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue card
people] No, that should be out there -- it shouldn't
be in there. Oh, yeah, and - [back to scene] And
Connie is my special guest.
Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering of
humans to absorb sound patterns.
Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while I
communicate with this human.
Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] I
invite you to consume mass quantities.
[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit.
Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack of
beer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tears
open a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handful
into his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men,
mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give each
other a wary look. Cheers and applause.]
Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet.....?
[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor and
tries to deliver his line but he and the audience
Frank Zappa: Excuse me!
Frank Zappa: Yeah?
Beldar: Where - where did you meet our young
Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front row
last night and I knew she was really special.
Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I am
concerned with whom our young one interacts.
Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you're
coming from ... [breaks up laughing] And I realize
that as French people you must be very wary of
Americans. Don't worry, I used to have a French person
in the band and I know I can take good care of her.
[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears much
sexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headband
around her cone along with her silver cape.]
Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.
Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa rises
and joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist]
Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presented
you with square doctrines.
Frank Zappa: No, they're - they're not square,
[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie and
Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa's record
album, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discs
which are gifts from this human.
Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up,
impressed] You? Produce these?
Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection - an
unauthorized collection - of my latest sound patterns.
Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.
[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the front
Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated time
Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs.
[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect the
Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboard
jacket and removes the vinyl record] What fine
compressed petroleum binding polymers!
[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out of
the record and chew the crunchy vinyl