Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3























78c: Frank Zappa

The Franken & Davis Show

Pete Tagliani/Himself.....Al Franken
Winfield Adcock/Himself.....Tom Davis

[ open on animated "The Franken & Davis Show" title card ]

Announcer: It's time for "The Franken & Davis Show", starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here's Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

Al Franken: Thank you, thank you! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It's GREAT to be back!

Tom Davis: That's right. And, tonight, we'd like to stick our necks out a little bit on national television, and call for a violent overthrow of the United States government! [ he bows, as the audience applauds ]

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you! You see, besides being a professional comedy team, Tom and I are international Communist revolutionaries... and we believe that nothing can really be changed in this country, through the Democratic process! [ brief applause ] Oh, thank you! We're glad a lot of you feel that way!

Tom Davis: Right you are, Al. You see, in a Capitalist society, anybody who's running for public office is automatically corrupted by... well, instead of telling... why don't we show you?

[ dissolve to "TAGLIANI: He'll Slash Taxes" screen ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by the Tagliani for Congress Committee.

[ dissolve to Al as Tagliani, seated at desk ]

Pete Tagliani: Hi! I'm Pete Tagliani! I want you to help me unseat Winfield Adcock in the upcoming Fifth Congressional election, so I can go to Washington to slash taxes! Now, HOW am I gonna slash taxes? By making the FAT CATS pay their fair share! Now, I have here... [ he holds up a folder ] Winfield Adcock's 1968 tax return! A year in which he earned over $400,000... but paid... [ he looks ] twenty-six cents in income tax. Now this FAT CAT is RIPPING you off! And I say it's time we send a man to Washington... who's gonna work for the hardworking taxpayer like you! And I say... I'm that man. So vote for me: Pete Tagliani. You'll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on "ADCOCK: He Hates High Taxes" screen ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political message by the We Need Adcock Committee.

[ dissolve to Tom as Adcock, seated in chair ]

Winfield Adcock: Hello. I'm Congressman Winfield Adcock, your reprsentative from the Fifth District, and this year I'm running for re-election. Already, my opponent, Pete [ purposefully mispronounced ] Tag-li-o-ni... has stooped to the lowest level of mudslinging, by accusing ME of financial misconduct. [ reaches for a folder marked EVIDENCE ] Well, I have here... documented evidence proving my innocence. It is indeed surprising to hear charges -- SCURRILOUS charges -- such as these, coming from a man who's himself of low moral character! Mr. Tag-li-o-ni controls all of the city's massage parlors and porno houses, a position he's gained through his lifelong connections with the mob and the recording industry! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! I hate high taxes!

[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani reading a law book, with SUPER: "TAGLIANI: Honesty and Integrity" ]

Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I'm Pete Tagliani! My FAT CAT opponent, Winfield Adcock, has accused me of having ties with organized crime and the recording industry! Yuo know, charges of immorality seems strange coming from a man who is himself an ADULTERER! Now, I have here... pictures of my opponent engaged in sexual relations with my sister-in-law! [ reveal photo slides of Adcock naked in bed with woman ] My sister-in-law, Angelina Tagliani -- who, by the way, is happily married to my brother, Mario Tagliani. Now, do we want this SCOUNDREL embarrassing us?! Perhaps running around NUDE in the House of Represenatives? I don't think so! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You'll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sweating as he stands behind his chair, with SUPER: "ADCOCK: An Honest Man" ]

Winfield Adcock: Hello. I'm Congressman Winfield Adcock. My opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni has further lowered himself to the gutter, by intimating that I am guilty of marital infidelity! Well, I am prepared to submit myself to a lie detector examination and answer ANY questions concerning my public or private life! Desperate, slanderous swipes such as these can be expected, perhaps from a man who is hostile towards women! I have here a photograph of my opponent in the washroom of a local restaurant making an advance at my nephew! [ reveal photo slide ] A HOMOSEXUAL is a PERFECT target for a Communist blackmail regime, but there's NO room for them in Congress! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! An honest man!

[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani seated behind his desk, with SUPER: "TAGLIANI: He's not the Liar" ]

Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I'm Pete Tagliani! [ holding folder marked "RESULTS" ] I have here the results of a lie detector test by opponent submitted to last week! According to these results, he LIED on every one of the 32 of the questions! Why, his name isn't even Adcock! Not only is this man a LIAR, but... unfortunately, Mr. Adcock is inflicted with the dreaded disease of alcoholism. Fortunately, I have here a picture of Adcock coming out of a sleazy bar! [ reveal photo ] Now, do we want this man stumbling around the halls of Congress? Perhaps vomiting in the House chambers? I know I don't! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You'll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sitting slumped in his chair, with SUPER: "ADCOCK" ]

Winfield Adcock: [ slurring ] Hello, Winfield Adcock! A couple of weeks ago, the results of a lie detector test made a lot of headlines across the city! And I know what everyone in Congress is saying -- I've got my problems like everybody else! But that won't keep me from being the best damn Congressman this city has ever seen! [ reaches for folder marked "SOLID EVIDENCE" ] Now, I have here solid evidence... that my opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni, in 1969, was involved in a series of gangland slayings! I've requested that this... [ slurs his words so badly even he doesn't know what he's saying ] We are bringing... crippled charges... against this man... to get this murderer off our streets! I say, let the records speal for -- [ looks ofscreen, as Tagliani rushes in ] TAGLIONI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ Tagliani stick a gun in Adcock's ribs, fires, then rushes back off screen ]

[ fade to black, come up on "Franken & Davis" title card ]

Announcer: The "Franken & Davis Show" was brought to you by: The International Communist Party. The International Communist Party: We're Working For You In Africa. And now, here's Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody! Good night!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

[ fade ]


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