78c: Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa's Monologue

.....Frank Zappa

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen ... Frank Zappa!

[Dissolve to Frank Zappa, hands on hips, shoulder-length hair, walrus moustache, etc. He runs to home base, grabs a microphone off a handy stool and encourages the audience's applause.]

Frank Zappa: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you -- and, remember, I'm reading this off these cards underneath this camera here. [reads off the cue cards] Thank you! It's an awesome responsibility being selected out of millions of people to become the banner of NBC's new look. God, I hope I'm good! Tonight, we'd like to do a song about an important social problem, disco. It deals with lonely people with no natural rhythm impinging on each other in the darkness. It's called "Dancing Fool"! [shouts to the band] One, two, three, four ... !

[The band comes crashing in and Zappa sings:]

I don't know much about dancin'
That's why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
'N' both my feet's too long
'Course now right along with 'em
Got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin' every night
Hopin' one day I might get it right

I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

I hear that beat, I jump outa my seat,
But I can't compete, 'cause I'm a
Dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

Disco folks all dressed up
Like they's fit to kill
I walk on in 'n' see 'em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin'
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide

I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

The beat goes on And I'm so wro-ong
The beat goes on
And I'm so wro-ong
The beat goes on 'n' I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n' I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n' I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n' I'm so wrong
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

[bares his shoulder, spreads his legs and gyrates arrhythmically]

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt's half open t' show you my chain
'N' the spoon for up in my nose
I am really somethin'
That's what you'd prob'ly say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away

I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I'm a dancin' foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
He's a dancin' fool

I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a fool, yeah!

[As the music continues, Zappa speaks to an attractive young woman sitting in the front row of the audience.]

Say, darling, can I buy ya a drink? Come here.

[Zappa extends a hand to her - she takes it and, to her astonishment, he guides her up onto home base where he hits on her:]

I mean, are you looking for Mister Goodbar? Wait a minute. I've got it. You're an Italian! You're Jewish? [Woman shakes her head.] Love your nails. You must be a Libra. [Woman shakes her head. The music ends abruptly just as Zappa asks:] Your place or mine?

Woman: [shrugs, uncertainly] Mine. [laughs]

Frank Zappa: Okay! Let's go!

[Zappa puts his arm around her and they walk off stage together as the audience cheers and applauds.]


Submitted Anonymously