Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4






78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Annoying Waiter

.....Steve Martin
.....Gilda Radner
Waiter.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Steve and Gilda seated at intimate table in a restaurant ]

Steve Martin: Boy, Gilda... it's great to finally get out of that studio.

Gilda Radner: I'll say.

Steve Martin: It's nice to be able to spend some time with someone alone, Gilda. You know, this is the sixth show I've done, and, uh, I feel we've become good friends, almost kindred spirits.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I know just how you feel, Steve.

Steve Martin: Gilda... there's something I have to talk to you about.

Gilda Radner: Yeah?

[ suddenly, the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Your menus!

Gilda Radner: Oh... thank you.

Steve Martin: Thanks.

Waiter: You're welcome. You know, I'm very honored to have you here. I'm a big fan of both of yours. You know, when I saw it was you and Miss Radner, I made sure the chef would stay an extra hour. We were about to close, but everything's fine now.

Gilda Radner: Thank you very much. I can't tell you how nice it is to eat in a restaurant alone.

Steve Martin: Thanks for keeping the place open for us.

Waiter: Okay. I'm sure you get bothered a lot, you know?

Steve Martin: Ah, sometimes. I'll have the vegetable plate.

Waiter: Uh, may I recommend the lamb chops, they're especially good.

Steve Martin: Well, I'm a vegetarian, so...

Waiter: [ trying to lighten the mood ] "Well, excu-u-u-u-u-use MEEEE!! [ he laughs alone ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, I'll have the lamb chops.

Waiter: Uh, how would you like them?

Gilda Radner: Uh, well done.

Waiter: Oh... no... [ still trying to be funny ] "Rams are well hung. Lambs... are not well hung."

Gilda Radner: I-I said "well done."

Waiter: [ in a squeaky voice ] "Oh, never mind! [ he laughs as he retreats to the kitchen ]

Steve Martin: Uh, Gilda -- my girlfriend and I are very close, and, uh, I've just been -- well, I just found out that she has a very terminal illness, and I was wondering if you could help me with this very difficult period.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Steve... w-why that's terrible... and, yet, it sounds very intriguing.

[ the waiter returns ]

Waiter: A complimentary bottle of wine, from me, the waiter, Richie Roberts... to a WILD AND CRAZY GUY!!! [ he laughs, then turns to Gilda ] And to a wild and cwazy... BABA WAWA!! Wight, Baba! [ he laughs as he walks away ]

Gilda Radner: Right... right... [ to Steve ] Uh, so how long does your girlfriend have to live?

Steve Martin: Uh, just a matter of months, maybe weeks. She's the... she told me that you were the one girl she wouldn't mind me seeing while she was dying.

Gilda Radner: Oh, she must be a wonderful, wonderful woman. [ the waiter stamps back to the table, singing "Happy Feet" as he carries the salads ]

Waiter: I hope you don't find any toenails or boogers in the salad... Rosanne Rosannadanna! [ he chuckles ]

Steve Martin: Look, we appreciate what you're doing, but we're talking about something very intimate, and we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bother us, alright?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Waiter: "Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!"

Steve Martin: LOOK! Would you just LEAVE US ALONE and stop bothering us, please!

Waiter: "Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!"

Steve Martin: [ outraged ] KNOCK IT OFF!! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY!!!

Waiter: Aw, come on! Why did you go into show business, anyway?! To be famous, right?

Steve Martin: NO!! We wanted to be ARTISTS!!

Waiter: Well, then... why did you go on the Bob Hope special?

Steve Martin: [ stung ] Well... it's Bob Hope's special! You do that! Yuo do "THe Tonight Show", everything! You do "Saturday Night Live" --

[ Steve continues to yell at the waiter, as time runs out, the audience cheers, and the final bumper appears onscreen ]


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