Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5








78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Rovco Chinch Ranch

Pitchman.....Dan Aykroyd
.....Bill Murray
.....Laraine Newman

Pitchman: Hello! I'm Lane Brethren, and I'd like to share with you the most EXCITING home profit enterprise of the century. Yes, for the first time ever, the secrets of professional chinchilla breeders are available to YOU, through this amazing introductory offer from Rovco!

[ he holds up a series of cards, which he flips as he speaks ]

The Rovco Chinch Ranch, home chinchilla breeding kit. Come on, fellas, now how many times have the ladies in your life asked you for a chinchilla coat? You had to reply, "Honey, I can't afford it!" Well, now with Rovco's Chinch Ranch, you AND your family can raise and breed this rare and valuable South American rodent right in your own home.

The Rovco Chinch Ranch has ALL the elements of a professional chinchilla farm. This compact profit-making package includes two healthy, five-week old chinchilla -- a male and one female. You also get this roomy, pre-fabricated chinchilla high-rise, where your chinches will breed and mature, in less than a year, into beautiful and valuable creatures. And, friends, you will be fully equipped when the time comes, because Rovco's Chinch Ranch features the patented Chinch-King Chinch Harvester, a brand new advancement in chinchilla hide extrusion.

Are you saying: "I could never, personally, skin a chinchilla"? Well, let's just let a couple of Rovco chinch ranchers show us how fast and easy it really is.

[ wipe to suburban couple in their apartment, overlooking various cages of chinchilla ]

Pitchman V/O: When you remove your mature chinches from their high-rise home -- [ Male Rancher pulls the chinchilla out ] simply use the patented Chinch-King chinchilla harvester to extrude the rodent's beautiful pelts.

[ they place the chinchilla inisde the harvester, flip the switch, and watch as ground meats spills out one end and a beautiful pelt comes out the other ]

Pitchman V/O: Isn't that amazing! That's how fast and easy it really is!

[ Female Rancher retrieves the pelt from the machine, then crosses the room to her sewing machine and an in-the-works chinchilla coat ]

Pitchman V/O: Then, you at home, can use your sewing machine to fasten the pelts into the rare and magnificent garment you always dreamed of owning. [ she wraps the coat around her body ] Isn't that beautiful!

[ Male Rancher steps forward with a plate of chinchilla burgers ]

Pitchman V/O: And, for a limited time, with this TV offer only, we've been allowed to reveal this additional professional secret: Chinchilla meat is ADIA-approved for human consumption.

Female Rancher: [ biting into the burger ] Wow! That's great chinch!

Male Rancher: This chinch tastes like chicken!

Female Rancher: Mmm!

[ Pitchman appears in oval in corner of screen, as the couple eat ]

Pitchman: Rovco Chinch Ranch home chinchilla breeding kit, now $89.95 -- that's $89.95. Order now and receive two free booklets: "100 Chinchilla Fur Patterns", and "20 Ways to Prepare and Serve Chinch". It's a cinch to ranch chinch, with Rovco!

[ SUPER: "Send $89.95 to
Rovco Chinch Ranch
Pier 26, N.Y., N.Y." ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts