Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5










78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Uncle Roy

Dad.....Dan Aykroyd
Mom.....Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy.....Buck Henry
Tracy.....Gilda Radner
Terry.....Laraine Newman

Dad: Come on, come on, come on! Let's go! You know I hate missing the beginning of movies. You know that, now let's go.

Mom: Let's see "Foul Play". I'm really dying to see that new, young comedian that falls down.

Dad: Yeah, yeah.. sure. I hope your friend Roy gets here soon, because we're gonna miss the beginning.

Mom: What have you got against Roy Fogul?

Dad: I don't know.. Any 45-year-old bachelor who has nothing to do but babysit, I just think it's kind of weird, that's all.

Mom: Well, anyway, the kids adore him! [ doorbell rings ] Hi, Roy! Come on in.

Uncle Roy: Hi, folks!

Mom: Oh, I really appreciate you coming over at the last minute!

Uncle Roy: Oh.. it's my pleasure! I love babysitting!

Mom: The kids are ready for bed, but I told them they could stay up another five minutes to say hello to their Uncle Roy.. [ calling up the stairs ] Kids! Guess who's here!

Dad: [ walking towards the front door ] I'm gonna go warm up the wagon..

[ the kids run downstairs screaming "Uncle Roy! Uncle Roy!" ]

Mom: Tracy, Terry! Five minutes, and then you go to bed! Don't bother Uncle Roy! Goodbye, kids. Goodbye, Roy.

Uncle Roy: Goodbye! Don't hurry back, we'll be jut fine.

[ Mom leaves ]

Tracy: Uncle Roy, what did you bring us?

Uncle Roy: Oh, Uncle Roy's got a surprise for you.

Terry: What is it? We want it now!

Tracy: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: Well, it's a buried treasure.

Tracy: Is it buried in the lawn?

Uncle Roy: Nooo.. it's buried on Uncle Roy.

[ the girls scream and yell, and start to dig around Uncle Roy's pants pockets looking for the "buried treasure" ]

Tracy: [ pulls a box of Jujubes out of Uncle Roy's right pocket ] I found it! I found it! It's Jujubes, and they're so good!

Terry: Oh, boy! Jujubes! [ the girls share ] Oh! Do a magic trick, Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy: Oh, a magic trick? Okay. [ pulls a nickel and dime out of his pocket ] Here's a nickel, and here's a dime. Now, I'm gonna make the nickel.. [ rubs it on Tracy's shoulder ] ..disappear! [ Tracy squeal with delight ] Here's the dime, and I'm going to take it and make it disappear.. [ rubs it on Terry's leg ] ..rubby-dubby-dubby! [ both girls squeal with delight ]

Terry: [ standing up ] Hey! I'm a magician, too! [ Roy looks on with interest ] I can make my face disappear! [ she pulls her nightgown over her head, exposing her panties to Uncle Roy ]

Tracy: [ stands up and copies Terry ] Uncle Roy! Look at me! I can't make my face disappear, too!

Uncle Roy: [ pulls a Polaroid out of his jacket and starts to take close-up shots of the girls' panties ] Oh, that's good magic! You know.. your trick reminds me that it's Wash Day today!

Girls: Yay!

Uncle Roy: So, why don't you girls go upstairs and bring Uncle Roy all your dirty little things? [ excited, the girls run upstairs and start throwing their dirty clothes down the stairs to Uncle Roy ] Oh, yes! Littler things! Dirtier things! [ he catches more of the dirty laundry ] Now, why don't you polish the banister?

Terry: Okay! [ puts one leg over the banister and slides down backward toward Uncle Roy ] Yay!

Uncle Roy: Atta girl!

Tracy: Uncle Roy! [ holds a pair of panties along the banister and walks it down ] Here's my friend Katrinka! She's gonna slide down the banister, too! [ drops the panties and lets them slide into Uncle Roy's hands ] Yay!

[ the front door opens, and Mom walks in ]

Mom: I forgot my purse! Can you believe it!

Tracy: [ afraid ] Oh, Mommy! Uncle Roy ws just helping us do the laundry!

Terry: Yeah, right! As a surprise for you, Mom!

Mom: Roy, you're too good!

Uncle Roy: I'm sorry! I'm just trying to help out.

Mom: Well, you don't have to do that. Girls, you should be in bed by now!

Girls: I know..

Mom: [ laughing ] Silly me. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my shoulders!

Uncle Roy: Okay, now.. you're sure you've got everything this time? You've got your gloves, your glasses, your keys, your Certs..

Mom: Yeah, I think so. Thanks again, Roy.

Uncle Roy: Sure. Take your time. Enjoy yourself. [ Mom leaves again ] Okay. Guess what time it is now?

Terry: Ooh! Undress Dolly With a Vacuum Cleaner Time?

Uncle Roy: Oh, no.. That was last week. It's time to play "Horsie"! [ the girls jump in excitement, then straddle upon the arms of the couch so they can race ]

Tracy: Why don't you be the horsie, Uncle Roy?!

Uncle Roy: Uncle Roy be the horsie? Possibly.. But you know what? Uncle Roy's pretty old for that, he'd rather just watch. Okay, the race is gonna begin.. and bang! They're off! [ the girls simulate racing ] Looks like Misty's going into an early lead! Blackie's gaining of her! [ Uncle roy takes out his Polaroid again ] It's Misty! It's Blackie! It's Misty! It's Blackie! And.. it's a photo-finish!

Tracy: Who won, Uncle Roy?

Uncle Roy: Who won? Well.. it's a tie.

Girls: [ sighing ] Aww..

Uncle Roy: [ barking happily ]

Girls: [ excited ] It's Ruffy! Ruffy!

Terry: [ tossing her slipper ] Here, Ruffy - fetch!

[ Uncle Roy climbs over the couch and scampers across the floor to retrieve the slipper ]

Tracy: Ruffy! Don't go on the couch! You shouldn't go on the couch, Ruffy!

[ of course Uncle Roy climbs on the couch, so the girls start slapping his hind quarters with their slippers ]

Terry: Oh, bad dog!

Tracy: [ grabs Uncle Roy by the shirt collar ] Ruffy has to go in the closet! He is so bad!

Terry: Get in there, Ruffy! [ the girls laugh as they push Uncle Roy into the closet ] Tracy, you having fun?

Tracy: Are you?

Terry: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: [ muffled, inside of closet ] Ruffy's gonna answer the phone! [ the girls open the closet door to let Uncle Roy out, he picks up the phone with his teeth ] Hello. Oh.. hello, yes, yes, yes! Oh, no, they're sound asleep! [ mimes for girls to be silent ] What..? You're coming home? What, just because you missed the first five minutes..? No, no.. of course, ocme home. After all, it's your house! They're your kids! See you soon! Bye!

Tracy: Come on, Uncle Roy, let's play some more!

Terry: Yeah!

Tracy: Uncle Roy, how come.. how come you, you never got married and had babies?

Uncle Roy: [ sitting down on couch ] I don't know, Tracy.. Sometimes.. sometimes I think the woman I'm gonna marry hasn't been born yet. Or, maybe just in the last few years. Anyway, your Mommy and Daddy are going to be home soon, so scoot along, the two of you! Get on up to bed!

Tracy: I don't wanna..

Terry: I'm not sleepy!

Uncle Roy: Don't worry. Uncle Roy will be back next week, and we can all give Ruffy a nice tick bath! [ the girls get excited, say goodnight, and run upstairs ] Sweet dreams! [ Roy leans back and reflects on the naughty pictures of the girls he took that evening ]

[ zoom out wide, with SUPER: "coming up next... Hairstyles for the Religious" ]


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