78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

.....Jane Curtin
.....Bill Murray
Elizabeth Taylor.....John Belushi
.....Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Brought to you by Chafe Boy-R-Dee, the ravioli you sprinkle on itchy Italians. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Rock superstar Elton John was in a London hospital this week, after collapsing in his home. John, an admitted bisexual, had been complaining of an aching prostate gland and menstrual cramps.

The United States Census Bureau announced that the 1980 Census is under way, and it will cost one million dollars to give us a numerical profile of our population. Currently, an American is born every 10 seconds, and one dies every 16 seconds. So, during the course of this newscast, we would like to welcome 60 new viewers.. and to the 40 viewers leaving us - those are the breaks.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: The Senatorial race in Virginia was so close, that they are recounting the votes. So far the winner is Republican John Warner, who's ahead by a very slight margin. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably saying, "Bill, you maniac, what does this have to do with "Celebrity Corner"? Aren't you getting off the track?" Uh-uh. Because this chief politician John Warner's wife is none other than perhaps the greatest actress who's ever lived, and whose face has set the standard for screen beauty for so many years. Of course I'm talking about Elizabeth Taylor. [ a plump Elizabeth Taylor eating a chicken leg appears on the screen behind Bill ] Welcome to "Celebrity Corner"!

Elizabeth Taylor: Thanks, Bill. It's so nice to be here.

Bill Murray: Liz, how does it feel to be Mrs. Almost-Too-Soon-to-Tell Senator-Elect Warner, anyway?

Elizabeth Taylor: [ chewing as she talks ] Very exciting, Bill. I'm looking forward to being a Washington hostess.

Bill Murray: Liz, tell me this: we heard that you promised that if John won the election, that you would go on a diet from your present weight of 167 pounds, down to your "Butterfield 8" weight of 120. Is that true?

Elizabeth Taylor: That's right. I've started a strict diet. Nothing but chicken.

Bill Murray: That sounds great, Liz. But to me, I don't care how much you weigh, just so your cheeks don't puff up over those beautiful violet eyes that I've been in love with since "National Velvet".

Elizabeth Taylor: [ not paying attention ] Mmm-hmm.. [ starts choking ]

Bill Murray: Liz, what about your career? I mean, can we look forward to seeing you in a movie soon? How about "Cleopatra II"? It seems like such a natural. I mean, how would John feel about that? Would there be a career conflict, now that you are also the wife of a United States Senator? [ Elizabeth Taylor pounds her chest to free the chicken, then starts spitting it up ] Well, thank you so much, Liz. It has been a real treat for me to have you on "Celebrity Corner". And I think all your friends in the whole world join me when I say, "Good luck with that diet, I know you're gonna lose that weight." She looks great, doesn't she? I just know she's gonna be a big hit on Capitol Hill. Jane?

Tragedy struck the world of horseracing this afternoon, when Seattle Slew was accidentally impaled on a hurdle he failed to clear. While the former Triple Crown winner looks as though he'll fully recover, veterinarians have reduced his stud fees from $12 million to $14.95.

And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.

Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I'm "Weekend Update" Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight's "Point/Counterpoint". Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you're going to say: "Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70's re-embargo. He's a fighter against Communism." Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student's genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you'll be singing a different tune!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah's a jerk, but he's all we've got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handle, and we'll see how you'll feel then! Of course, you'd probably love it, you ignorant slut!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.