Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6








78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

The Loud Family

Mrs. Loud.....Jane Curtin
Mr. Loud.....Bill Murray
Joan Loud.....Carrie Fisher
Jean Loud.....Gilda Radner
Rick Phillips.....Dan Aykroyd
Kevin.....John Belushi
The Police Officer.....Garrett Morris

(Mrs. Loud answers the ringing telephone)

Mrs. Loud: HELLO, LOUD RESIDENCE. OH. HI KEVIN. NO, JEAN AND JOAN WENT TO THEIR FIGURE SKATING CLASS.

Mr. Loud: WHO IS IT, HONEY?

Mrs. Loud: ITĎS KEVIN. (Jean and Joan are heard laughing off-screen) HERE THEY COME NOW, KEVIN. JOAN, ITíS KEVIN. I THINK HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.

Joan: OH MOM! HI, KEVIN? WELL, JEANíS DATE WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DONíT WE MEET HERE? OKAY, IíLL SEE YOU LATER. GOODBYE.

Mr. Loud: WELL, IíM GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE FINALLY GETTING DATES. YOU KNOW, YOUíRE BOTH GOOD LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS. I DONíT UNDERSTAND WHY BOYS HAVING BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE DOOR.

Jean: WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM SCAIRED THEM ALL AWAY.

Mrs. Loud: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Joan: YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY TIME TO OURSELVES.

Mr. Loud: WELL, MAYBE IF I GET TO KNOW THE BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU TWO CANíT BE TRUSTED ALONE. JEAN, WHOíS THE YOUNG MAN YOUíRE SEEING TONIGHT?

Jean: HIS NAMEíS RICK. HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH AND HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH.

(doorbell rings)

Mr. Loud: IíLL GET IT.

Rick: Hi. Iím Rick Phillips. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Loud.

Mr. & Mrs. Loud: THATíS RIGHT.

Jean: HI RICK! COME SIT DOWN. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY SISTER, JOAN.

Joan: HI!

Rick: Itís easy to tell youíre sisters.

(the girls begin talking over the top of each other)

Girls: REALLY? YOU THINK SO? I DONíT KNOW? I LOOK MORE LIKE MY DAD. Etc.

Rick: You have two lovely daughters.

Mr. Loud: WELL ITíS A SAD STORY, REALLY. WE USED TO HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS, BUT OUR ELDEST DIED IN A SKIING ACCIDENT.

Rick: Iím sorry, what happened?

Mr. Loud: AVALANCHE.

(Mrs. Loud bursts into loud sobs)

Mr. Loud: BAD LUCK, I GUESS.

(the doorbell rings)

Joan: IíLL GET IT! THAT MUST BE KEVIN! (opens the door) HI KEVIN!

Kevin: Hi Joan.

Jean: HI KEVIN, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND RICK.

Joan: RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND KEVIN.

(they shake hands)

Kevin: Sorry Iím late. The flight from Cleveland was delayed so, I had to work late.

Mrs. Loud: WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES. MR. LOUD AND IíLL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND, UMÖ READ.

Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT KIDS.

Jean: GOODNIGHT MOM. GOODNIGHT DAD.

Mrs. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.

Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.

Joan: GOODNIGHT MOM AND DAD.

Mr. Loud: AND REMEMBER, IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY 2:00 AND DONíT FORGET TO LOCK THE BACK DOOR.

(they go upstairs and after a few minutes they are heard having sex. The girls and Kevin are unscathed, but Rick is bewildered)

Jean: SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA DO TONIGHT?

Kevin: How about a movie?

Rick: Okay, but before we goÖ

(Rick pulls out a joint and begins passing it around)

Joan: WOW, THIS IS GREAT POT!

(Rick attempts to keep them quiet)

Jean: YEAH, ONE PUFF AND IíM SO STONED!

(footsteps are heard coming downstairs and the kids scramble to hide the joint)

Mr. Loud: WHATíS GOING ON DOWN HERE?!

Mrs. Loud: JEAN, JOAN, IíM ASHAMED!

Jean & Joan: UH-OH!

Mr. Loud: BOYS, MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS NOW!

(They take the girls into the next room and close the door)

Rick: Whatís wrong with this family? They seem to talk loud. Like really loud.

Kevin: (pulling the sound mufflers off his ear) What?

Rick: Never mind.

Mr. Loud: WE BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE WE DIDNíT WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.

Mrs. Loud: I CANíT BELIEVE I FOUND YOU TWO SMOKING IN HERE TONIGHT AND I DONíT APPROVE!

Jean: MOM, DONíT YELL AT ME LIKE IíM A CHILD!

Mr. Loud: WELL, YOUíRE BOTH ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!

Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!

Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TO!

Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!

Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TOO!

(the doorbell rings)

Mr. Loud: WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT? (there is a police officer standing at the door) OH! HELLO OFFICER!

Officer: Iím sorry to bother you, but youíre all going to have to quiet down in here.

Mr. Loud: IíM SORRY OFFICER. WHO COMPLAINED?

Officer: Nobody. I was driving by.

Mr. Loud: WELL, IíM SORRY. WE WERE HAVING A FIGHT. WEíLL STOP.

Officer: I hope you got the message.

The Loud Family: GOODNIGHT OFFICER!

(Not expecting them to all yell at once, Rick spills his snack)

(pull back on wide shot, with SUPER: "coming up next... Celebrity Battle of the Wimps And Twerps")


Submitted by: Catherine


SNL Transcripts