78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front of photo of former President Gerald Ford posing with someone in a life-sized Mickey Mouse costume] Betty Ford's face lift backfires! ... This story and more coming up on Weekend Update.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of bones] Ancient bones found north of Cairo this week were believed to be the skeletal remains of St. John the Baptist. Well, excited scientists reconstructed the skeleton and determined that St. John was a swamp dwelling herbivore [Photo of giant dinosaur skeleton] who weighed nearly six tons and stood seventy feet from the tip of his snout to the spiked tail. The biggest surprise? His brain was no larger than a walnut.

[Jane holds up a styrofoam container with a Big Mac in it -- a worm sticks out of the top of the bun] Rumors have been circulating for months that McDonald's has been adding ground worms to their hamburger meat in order to increase the protein content. Although McDonald's officially denied the charge, they still had trouble explaining why, when you cut a Big Mac in half, it crawls in two different directions. ... [some applause]

And, in a related story, operating more than one thousand restaurants in forty-seven states, Sambo's Restaurants Incorporated is defending its name in court. An East Providence, Rhode Island city council says the name "Sambo" is a stereotype and a racial slur against black people. Reportedly, Sambo's may switch to a kosher menu and change its name to "Bob's Jew Boy." Bill? ...

Bill Murray: The first man to walk on the moon, Neal Armstrong, lost a finger when he jumped from a truck and caught his wedding ring on a barn door at his suburban Cincinnati home. While jumping off the truck, the former astronaut was quoted as saying: "One small step for man, a giant--AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!" ... Jane? Wait.

A freighter filled with twenty-five hundred Vietnamese refugees captured world attention this week when the Malaysian government refused to allow them to land. With disease rampant and poor sanitary conditions and food supplies exhausted, the ship of suffering Vietnamese had nothing to eat except a small amount of fried lice. ...

And this just in. The F-- The FBI has a new theory on the Jimmy Hoffa case. Thank you. It's Colonel Mustard in the drawing room with the candlestick. ... [applause]

Jane?

Jane Curtin: [Photo of a smiling man with eyeglasses and a real fat chin holding up a letter] Well, better late than never. Jack Krevello of Boston, Massachusetts, holds a chain letter that was mailed to him twenty-two years ago that he received yesterday because it had gotten lost behind some post office equipment. According to the superstitious Jack, the letter said: "Please don't break this chain or else you'll end up with glasses and a real fat chin." ... [applause]

Bill?

Bill Murray: In Italy, the Italian press is charging that the official bank of the Vatican, the Instituto per le Opere di Religione, is helping wealthy Italians evade tax and currency laws and is engaging in large-scale speculation in foreign currency. Here, with a comment on that, is the gossip columnist for the Vatican newspaper, Father Guido Sarducci.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle, mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father Guido Sarducci.]

Father Guido Sarducci: [unusually petulant] It's-a sour grapes. ... That's what it is. It's just-a sour grapes -- from the government, from the press. Just - just because currency is goin' over the borders and it's not coming back. That's the big deal. ... And I think that if the Vatican bank could get some deposits -- have some money comin' in -- they would lay off us, you know, and get off our back for a little while. ...

And, you know, if you have been keepin' up with recent economic conditions in the world, you're probably more than aware of the dwindling value of the American dollar. Now, the Vatican bank is offerin' American people the opportunity to put your money in our bank and transfer it to the European currency of your choice. In fact, if you deposit one thousand dollars or more before the first of any quarter, we're gonna send you, ab-a-so-lutely free of charge, these beautiful, beautiful Italian kid gloves. [holds up the plastic-wrapped gloves] ... They come in black, beige, brown, or -- my favorite -- pearl white. [grins] ... And if you have two thousand dollars or more, well, you're really on a lucky streak. You get to have this beautiful wall clock. [holds up a cheap yellow wall clock] ... It's-a solid as can be. [taps on clock] And it's got-a all of the signs of the zodiac. ... [points to the signs] From Cap-a-corn all the way to Sagitarium. They're all-a there. ...

And, you know, since we would like-a some money pretty soon, if people send before the first of the year, for just-a two dollars and fifty cents, you get this book [holds up a small, thin book] -- a regular twenty-two dollar value, I wrote it myself -- it's called "Guide to the Confessional." ... You know, it's-- every April, you people in the United States, you have to pay your income tax. And, you know, paying your income tax in this country is kind of like goin' to confession to the government. You gotta tell 'em how much money you made, where you made it, where you spent it, all that stuff. And, you know, people with a lot o' money, they get-a lawyers, they get accountants, and those people weasel and maneuver their way around the laws and they get-a their clients off-a pretty easy. Well, it's the same in the church. ... And, with this book, you're gonna be able to weasel and maneuver your way around the confessional. ... You can screw around your whole life and still get to Heaven! ... [huge applause] That's right. It's all here. Eternal happiness, two ninety-five -- who can beat that? ... Forever, forever, you know? ...

And, I tell you what. If you just don't wanna jump into the pool, you know, send cash in the mail, just send a letter. Say you want information. Say "Sarducci sent you" and we'll send you, absolutely free, this little key chain. [holds up a key chain with a shrimp attached to it] This little shrimp, you know? ... It kind of represents, like, nostalgia for the old days, you know? T.G.I.F. Anyway, this is-a free. ... Free of charge, absolutely. Just say "Sarducci sent you." Remember, my friends, get that great twenty-five billion dollar feeling -- the Vatican bank! Just write Vatican, Vatican City, "Sarducci sent you" and you get-a the shrimp. Thank you. [applause]

Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, a loud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot of frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin'. Now, I'm depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swelled, my gums are bleedin', my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky and I have gas. ... What should I do?" ... Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive guy! ... You belong in New Jersey! ... [applause]

But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! ... Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. ... And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. ... Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! ... Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! ... But, personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. ... But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club?

Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. ... So, I go in there but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! ... So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! ... That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! ... It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! ... Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off, if she stood up, it didn't fall off, she scratched, it didn't fall off, and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! ... That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! ... So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! ... What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She--

Jane Curtin: Roseanne!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs, sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya! It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! ... It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Roseannadanna cake. ... Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. [to Jane, who merely stares at her in disgust] Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. ... [Jane reluctantly bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.
[singing]
We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing
Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household
Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our mothers
And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce Brothers! ...

[Jane's head pops up, wide-eyed with disgust]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [cheerily] Amen!

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted Anonymously