78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front of
photo of former President Gerald Ford posing with
someone in a life-sized Mickey Mouse costume] Betty
Ford's face lift backfires! ... This story and
more coming up on Weekend Update.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the
Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill
Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin.
Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of bones] Ancient bones found north of Cairo
this week were believed to be the skeletal remains of
St. John the Baptist. Well, excited scientists
reconstructed the skeleton and determined that St.
John was a swamp dwelling herbivore [Photo of giant
dinosaur skeleton] who weighed nearly six tons and
stood seventy feet from the tip of his snout to the
spiked tail. The biggest surprise? His brain was no
larger than a walnut.
[Jane holds up a styrofoam container with a Big Mac in
it -- a worm sticks out of the top of the bun] Rumors
have been circulating for months that McDonald's has
been adding ground worms to their hamburger meat in
order to increase the protein content. Although
McDonald's officially denied the charge, they still
had trouble explaining why, when you cut a Big Mac in
half, it crawls in two different directions. ... [some
And, in a related story, operating more than one
thousand restaurants in forty-seven states, Sambo's
Restaurants Incorporated is defending its name in
court. An East Providence, Rhode Island city council
says the name "Sambo" is a stereotype and a racial
slur against black people. Reportedly, Sambo's may
switch to a kosher menu and change its name to "Bob's
Jew Boy." Bill? ...
Bill Murray: The first man to walk on the moon,
Neal Armstrong, lost a finger when he jumped from a
truck and caught his wedding ring on a barn door at
his suburban Cincinnati home. While jumping off the
truck, the former astronaut was quoted as saying: "One
small step for man, a giant--AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!" ... Jane? Wait.
A freighter filled with twenty-five hundred Vietnamese
refugees captured world attention this week when the
Malaysian government refused to allow them to land.
With disease rampant and poor sanitary conditions and
food supplies exhausted, the ship of suffering
Vietnamese had nothing to eat except a small amount of
fried lice. ...
And this just in. The F-- The FBI has a new theory on
the Jimmy Hoffa case. Thank you. It's Colonel Mustard
in the drawing room with the candlestick. ...
Jane Curtin: [Photo of a smiling man with
eyeglasses and a real fat chin holding up a letter]
Well, better late than never. Jack Krevello of Boston,
Massachusetts, holds a chain letter that was mailed to
him twenty-two years ago that he received yesterday
because it had gotten lost behind some post office
equipment. According to the superstitious Jack, the
letter said: "Please don't break this chain or else
you'll end up with glasses and a real fat chin." ...
Bill Murray: In Italy, the Italian press is
charging that the official bank of the Vatican, the
Instituto per le Opere di Religione, is helping
wealthy Italians evade tax and currency laws and is
engaging in large-scale speculation in foreign
currency. Here, with a comment on that, is the gossip
columnist for the Vatican newspaper, Father Guido
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,
mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accented
Father Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: [unusually petulant]
It's-a sour grapes. ... That's what it is. It's just-a
sour grapes -- from the government, from the press.
Just - just because currency is goin' over the borders
and it's not coming back. That's the big deal. ... And
I think that if the Vatican bank could get some
deposits -- have some money comin' in -- they would
lay off us, you know, and get off our back for a
little while. ...
And, you know, if you have been keepin' up with recent
economic conditions in the world, you're probably more
than aware of the dwindling value of the American
dollar. Now, the Vatican bank is offerin' American
people the opportunity to put your money in our bank
and transfer it to the European currency of your
choice. In fact, if you deposit one thousand dollars
or more before the first of any quarter, we're gonna
send you, ab-a-so-lutely free of charge, these
beautiful, beautiful Italian kid gloves. [holds up the
plastic-wrapped gloves] ... They come in black, beige,
brown, or -- my favorite -- pearl white. [grins] ...
And if you have two thousand dollars or more, well,
you're really on a lucky streak. You get to have this
beautiful wall clock. [holds up a cheap yellow wall
clock] ... It's-a solid as can be. [taps on clock] And
it's got-a all of the signs of the zodiac. ... [points
to the signs] From Cap-a-corn all the way to
Sagitarium. They're all-a there. ...
And, you know, since we would like-a some money pretty
soon, if people send before the first of the year, for
just-a two dollars and fifty cents, you get this book
[holds up a small, thin book] -- a regular twenty-two
dollar value, I wrote it myself -- it's called "Guide
to the Confessional." ... You know, it's-- every
April, you people in the United States, you have to
pay your income tax. And, you know, paying your income
tax in this country is kind of like goin' to
confession to the government. You gotta tell 'em how
much money you made, where you made it, where you
spent it, all that stuff. And, you know, people with a
lot o' money, they get-a lawyers, they get
accountants, and those people weasel and maneuver
their way around the laws and they get-a their clients
off-a pretty easy. Well, it's the same in the church.
... And, with this book, you're gonna be able to
weasel and maneuver your way around the confessional.
... You can screw around your whole life and still get
to Heaven! ... [huge applause] That's right. It's all
here. Eternal happiness, two ninety-five -- who can
beat that? ... Forever, forever, you know? ...
And, I tell you what. If you just don't wanna jump
into the pool, you know, send cash in the mail, just
send a letter. Say you want information. Say "Sarducci
sent you" and we'll send you, absolutely free, this
little key chain. [holds up a key chain with a shrimp
attached to it] This little shrimp, you know? ... It
kind of represents, like, nostalgia for the old days,
you know? T.G.I.F. Anyway, this is-a free. ... Free of
charge, absolutely. Just say "Sarducci sent you."
Remember, my friends, get that great twenty-five
billion dollar feeling -- the Vatican bank! Just write
Vatican, Vatican City, "Sarducci sent you" and you
get-a the shrimp. Thank you. [applause]
Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the Great
American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was
encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a
twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is
Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, a
loud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot of
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!
Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New
Jersey writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne
Roseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin'. Now, I'm
depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I'm
nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swelled, my gums
are bleedin', my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn,
I'm cranky and I have gas. ... What should I do?" ...
Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive
guy! ... You belong in New Jersey! ...
But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause
once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to
get back in shape, I had to join one of those
fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where
it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause
you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know
naked! ... Like, some people got those
bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just
'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. ...
And there's other people there that got these funny
belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or
it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a
little knob on it, like a door. ... Some of
them got a little piece of their sweater still in it!
... Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or
a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! ... But,
personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don't like to
walk around with no clothes in front of other people!
Not that I don't got a great body. ... But why should
I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health
Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little
hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. ... So, I
go in there but before I sit down, I put this clean
towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in
there and you don't know where they been! ...
So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next
to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! ... That very
smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But
what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she
had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here,
hangin' off the tip of her nose! ... It was just
hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! ... Like, if she
turned her head, it didn't fall off, if she stood up,
it didn't fall off, she scratched, it didn't fall off,
and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of
her belly button, it didn't fall off! ... That little
sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! ... So I yelled at
her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off
your nose! ... What are ya tryin' to do? Make me
Jane Curtin: Roseanne!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?
Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs,
sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just
goes to show ya! It's always somethin'! If it's not
one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have
a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! ... It's just like
the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a
little girl. Everybody would come over to my house
lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother
would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd
have the traditional Banana Roseannadanna cake. ...
Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. [to Jane, who
merely stares at her in disgust] Bow your head, Jane.
Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your
head. Bow your head now. ... [Jane reluctantly bows
her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.
We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing
Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household
Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our
And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce
[Jane's head pops up, wide-eyed with disgust]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [cheerily]
Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and
have a pleasant tomorrow.