Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 7

78g: Walter Matthau

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis ... John Belushi
George ... Dan Aykroyd
Nico ... Bill Murray
Sandy ... Laraine Newman
1st Female Customer ... Jane Curtin
Male Customer ... Garrett Morris
John Pittman ... Walter Matthau
Lambrose "Larry" Petropopolis ... Brian Doyle-Murray
2nd Female Customer ... Gilda Radner
Linda ... Rosie Shuster
Larry's Assistant ... Alan Zweibel
Mike ... Don Novello

[Burger patties sizzling on a grill in the Olympia Cafe. The owner, Pete Dionasopolis is taking an order on the phone.]

Pete: [yells to George the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [into phone] No fries. Chip. [yells to Nico the counterman] Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No. No Coke. Pepsi. [yells to Nico] Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi! Pepsi!

Pete: [into phone] All right, ten minutes.

[Pete hangs up. (Pete's brother Mike, who never says anything, can be seen working in the back.) Sandy, the waitress, approaches Pete.]

Sandy: Hey, Pete, that toilet is stuffed up again.

Pete: Aaaahhh!

[Grabbing a plunger and cursing under his breath in Greek, Pete heads off for the bathroom, followed by Sandy. At the counter, a female customer talks to Nico who barely understands English. She shows him her cheeseburger.]

1st Female Customer: Excuse me, I wanted this medium, uh, and it's almost raw. Could I have it cooked some more?

Nico: More?

1st Female Customer: Yes, please.

Nico: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

1st Female Customer: No! No! No, no! I don't want another cheeseburger! I just want this one cooked some more.

Nico: More?

1st Female Customer: No, no. [points to George] Get him, get him, get him. [Nico gets George who brings the customer another cheeseburger] He ordered me another cheeseburger and I didn't--!

George: [gives her the second cheeseburger] Here, here.

1st Female Customer: No, no, no! I just want this one cooked some more! It's almost raw! [But George has already retreated to his grill.]

Male Customer: Uh, I hate to break up such an exciting discussion but I just saw a roach about the size of a cat walk behind this napkin holder right here.

George: Roach?

Male Customer: Yeah.

George: Roach?

Male Customer: That's right. Right-- oh! [The roach has apparently emerged onto the countertop] Look out!

1st Female Customer: Oh!

[Nico and George grab two cans of bug spray and start spraying the countertop around the napkin holder. The two customers make faces, cough, and hold their hands up to block the bug spray. George spots the roach and flattens it with a quick blow of his spatula. He scrapes the roach off the spatula and goes back to work at the grill, much to the horror of the customers.]

Male Customer: Uh huh, I think I'm gonna ... I'm gonna pay my check and leave. I don't want to wait for the autopsy report. [pays his check to Nico and hastily exits]

1st Female Customer: [to Nico] I'm gonna pass on having this cooked some more. I think, uh, for some reason, I've lost my appetite. [George moves to the cash register and rings up the customer's check]

Sandy: [returns and grabs a second plunger] George, Pete needs the other plunger. [George nods and Sandy exits again.]

1st Female Customer: [to George] Uh, I think you made a mistake.

George: Two cheeseburger, one chip, one Pepsi. Three-eighty-two.

1st Female Customer: But I didn't order two cheeseburgers! Only one!

George: Look. Two. One, two. [holds up her second cheeseburger]

1st Female Customer: Well, I didn't order the other cheeseburger. I just asked him if I could have mine cooked some more and he thought I wanted another one. You owe me a dollar fifty.

George: Wait for Pete.

1st Female Customer: No--! [But George is already on his way back to the grill.]

Sandy: [yells to George and Nico] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

[Two men enter the restaurant together. The first is John Pittman, who smokes a huge cigar and wears thick-framed eyeglasses and a business suit. The second is Larry, a small, mustachioed man in a Coca-Cola uniform. They approach Nico.]

John Pittman: Excuse me, sir, are you the proprietor of this restaurant? I'm John Pittman from the Coca-Cola Company. [Pittman shakes Nico's hand. Nico doesn't understand but nods anyway.] Coca-Cola Company.

Nico: Oh, uh, no Coke. Pepsi.

John Pittman: Yes, I know, yes. That's why I'm here. I want to talk to you. This is Larry Petropopolis. He's our new area distributor.

[Larry and Nico shake hands and exchange greetings in Greek.]

John Pittman: We call him Larry but his real name is Lambrose. Sometimes, we kid around, we call him "lamb roast." Ha! Ha! Right, Larry? You know I might as well get right to the point. We're pretty concerned around here that a lot of Greek restaurants in this area aren't our customers. Now, well, to be perfectly frank, we want to rectify the situation. I know that our competitor has a good distributor, what's his name, Zanatos? [Nico recognizes the name and nods. He continues to nod even though he has no clue what is being said to him.] Well, we plan to give you a better deal than Zanatos can give. Let's not beat around the bush. Talk drachmas, right? You buy a five gallon jug of syrup from Zanatos for sixteen dollars and we're gonna give it to you for fifteen fifty. We'll put up a new sign for you, too. Huh? We just want to do anything we can to win you over to Coke.

Nico: No Coke. Pepsi.

John Pittman: I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll go down to fifteen and a quarter. Now, you don't think I can give you a better deal than that, do ya? [Nico keeps nodding, cluelessly.] Huh? You do? Okay. I'll make it fifteen even. And I'll see if I can't dig up a few dozen glasses for ya, right?

Larry: Uh, I think I got some out in the truck.

John Pittman: [to Larry] You got some in the truck? [to Nico] He's got some in the truck. We'll bring them in now. What do you say? We have a deal? Huh? [Nico nods] Okay, terrific! [turns to Larry] Larry, Larry, will ya set up the dispensers and everything right now? [Larry exits, Pittman turns to Nico, shakes his hand] Listen, I gotta get going, kid. You're a very shrewd businessman. I like your style. You know that, too, don't ya? Ha! [pats Nico on the cheek] You're all right!

[Pittman exits. Nico grins and nods, having no idea what that was all about. Pete returns with the plunger slung over his shoulder.]

Pete: Ahhhh.

1st Female Customer: [still waiting by the register, to Pete] I was charged for two cheeseburgers. I only ordered one. You owe me a dollar fifty. I've been waiting here for ten minutes. I would appreciate it if you would give me my money.

Pete: George? [George joins Pete at the register, Pete wants an explanation] Come on, come on.

George: Two cheeseburgers. One, two. [holds up the second cheeseburger]

1st Female Customer: But I didn't order it! [points to Nico] He ordered it! Have him pay for it!

Pete: [to 1st female customer] Wait, wait. [turns to 2nd female customer, a regular patron, who stands near the register with a friend] Okay, honey.

2nd Female Customer: Oh, oh, um, Pete, uh, can I also have a cheeseburger and a Pepsi to go?

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: One cheeseburger! [George bags up the untouched second cheeseburger and hands it to Pete who hands it to the 2nd female customer]

Nico: Pepsi!

2nd Female Customer: Oh, um, Pete, I want you to meet Linda, um...

Linda: Hi.

2nd Female Customer: She's gonna be taking over for me at work, uh, ah, I'm not gonna be there. You wanna know why?

Pete: Why?

2nd Female Customer: I'm gettin' married.

Pete: You're--? Married?

2nd Female Customer: Yeah. [laughs]

Pete: Awwwww! [kisses her on cheek]

2nd Female Customer: Yeah, next week, I'm goin' on the honeymoon.

Pete: Ohhhh! [claps his hands happily] Wait! Wait! Ahhhhhh! [presents her with a wedding present -- a bag of chips]

2nd Female Customer: [underwhelmed by the gift] Oh, thanks a lot. You don't mind if I don't eat 'em here? I'll open 'em when I open the other gifts.

Pete: [graciously] Ahhhh, all right, all right.

2nd Female Customer: Thanks, Pete. [She and her friend exit.]

Pete: Married, married. That's nice, that's nice. [to the 1st female customer] What do you want? What?

[Larry's assistant enters with a Coca-Cola dispenser, followed by Larry who carries a box of glasses.]

Larry: [to Pete] Where do you want the glasses?

Pete: [completely confused] What? What? What?

Larry: Glasses. Free Coke glasses. Look. [shows Pete an invoice] Four dozen free glasses, one ten foot sign, and an agreement for us to sell you five gallon jugs for fifteen dollars apiece.

Pete: Fifteen?

Larry: Right.

Pete: Five gallons?

Larry: Yeah, it'll only take us a minute to set it up.

Pete: [Knowing a good deal when he hears it, an otherwise mystified Pete waves Larry on] Sure, sure, sure. [Larry and his helper set things up and then exit.]

1st Female Customer: [to Pete] Okay, how about my dollar fifty that you owe me or do I have to call the police?

Pete: [upset] I'll give you your money in food! All right?!

1st Female Customer: You mean you won't give me a dollar fifty in cash?

Pete: [gestures toward the grill] Cheeseburger. Come on.

1st Female Customer: I don't want a cheeseburger! [resigned] What else do you have?

Pete: Chip!

1st Female Customer: Okay, give me four bags of chips. How much do I have left?

Pete: [does the math] Uhhhh ... twenty-eight.

1st Female Customer: Okay, I'll have a Pepsi.

Pete: Ah, no Pepsi. Coke.

1st Female Customer: [rolls her eyes] Okay! I'll have a Coke!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Coke!

[But Nico, uncomprehending, just stands still, wiping down a counter. Pete starts violently whacking Nico with a menu.]

Pete: Coke! Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Dissolve to a wider shot of the set behind cameras and microphones.]

Submitted Anonymously

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