78g: Walter Matthau
Pete Dionasopolis ... John Belushi
George ... Dan Aykroyd
Nico ... Bill Murray
Sandy ... Laraine Newman
1st Female Customer ... Jane Curtin
Male Customer ... Garrett Morris
John Pittman ... Walter Matthau
Lambrose "Larry" Petropopolis ... Brian Doyle-Murray
2nd Female Customer ... Gilda Radner
Linda ... Rosie Shuster
Larry's Assistant ... Alan Zweibel
Mike ... Don Novello
[Burger patties sizzling on a grill in the Olympia
Cafe. The owner, Pete Dionasopolis is taking an order
on the phone.]
Pete: [yells to George the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Pete: [into phone] No fries. Chip. [yells to Nico the
counterman] Chip! Chip!
Nico: Chip! Chip!
Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No. No Coke. Pepsi.
[yells to Nico] Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: Pepsi! Pepsi!
Pete: [into phone] All right, ten minutes.
[Pete hangs up. (Pete's brother Mike, who never says
anything, can be seen working in the back.) Sandy, the
waitress, approaches Pete.]
Sandy: Hey, Pete, that toilet is stuffed up again.
[Grabbing a plunger and cursing under his breath in
Greek, Pete heads off for the bathroom, followed by
Sandy. At the counter, a female customer talks to Nico
who barely understands English. She shows him her
1st Female Customer: Excuse me, I wanted this medium,
uh, and it's almost raw. Could I have it cooked some more?
1st Female Customer: Yes, please.
Nico: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
1st Female Customer: No! No! No, no! I don't want
another cheeseburger! I just want this one cooked some
1st Female Customer: No, no. [points to George] Get
him, get him, get him. [Nico gets George who brings
the customer another cheeseburger] He ordered me
another cheeseburger and I didn't--!
George: [gives her the second cheeseburger] Here, here.
1st Female Customer: No, no, no! I just want this one
cooked some more! It's almost raw! [But George has
already retreated to his grill.]
Male Customer: Uh, I hate to break up such an exciting
discussion but I just saw a roach about the size of a
cat walk behind this napkin holder right here.
Male Customer: Yeah.
Male Customer: That's right. Right-- oh! [The roach
has apparently emerged onto the countertop] Look out!
1st Female Customer: Oh!
[Nico and George grab two cans of bug spray and start
spraying the countertop around the napkin holder. The
two customers make faces, cough, and hold their hands
up to block the bug spray. George spots the roach and
flattens it with a quick blow of his spatula. He
scrapes the roach off the spatula and goes back to
work at the grill, much to the horror of the customers.]
Male Customer: Uh huh, I think I'm gonna ... I'm gonna
pay my check and leave. I don't want to wait for the
autopsy report. [pays his check to Nico and hastily exits]
1st Female Customer: [to Nico] I'm gonna pass on
having this cooked some more. I think, uh, for some
reason, I've lost my appetite. [George moves to the
cash register and rings up the customer's check]
Sandy: [returns and grabs a second plunger] George,
Pete needs the other plunger. [George nods and Sandy
1st Female Customer: [to George] Uh, I think you made a mistake.
George: Two cheeseburger, one chip, one Pepsi. Three-eighty-two.
1st Female Customer: But I didn't order two cheeseburgers! Only one!
George: Look. Two. One, two. [holds up her second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: Well, I didn't order the other
cheeseburger. I just asked him if I could have mine
cooked some more and he thought I wanted another one.
You owe me a dollar fifty.
George: Wait for Pete.
1st Female Customer: No--! [But George is already on
his way back to the grill.]
Sandy: [yells to George and Nico] Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
[Two men enter the restaurant together. The first is
John Pittman, who smokes a huge cigar and wears
thick-framed eyeglasses and a business suit. The
second is Larry, a small, mustachioed man in a
Coca-Cola uniform. They approach Nico.]
John Pittman: Excuse me, sir, are you the proprietor
of this restaurant? I'm John Pittman from the
Coca-Cola Company. [Pittman shakes Nico's hand. Nico
doesn't understand but nods anyway.] Coca-Cola
Nico: Oh, uh, no Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: Yes, I know, yes. That's why I'm here. I
want to talk to you. This is Larry Petropopolis. He's
our new area distributor.
[Larry and Nico shake hands and exchange greetings in Greek.]
John Pittman: We call him Larry but his real name is
Lambrose. Sometimes, we kid around, we call him "lamb
roast." Ha! Ha! Right, Larry? You know I might as well
get right to the point. We're pretty concerned around
here that a lot of Greek restaurants in this area
aren't our customers. Now, well, to be perfectly
frank, we want to rectify the situation. I know that
our competitor has a good distributor, what's his
name, Zanatos? [Nico recognizes the name and nods. He
continues to nod even though he has no clue what is
being said to him.] Well, we plan to give you a better
deal than Zanatos can give. Let's not beat around the
bush. Talk drachmas, right? You buy a five gallon jug
of syrup from Zanatos for sixteen dollars and we're
gonna give it to you for fifteen fifty. We'll put up a
new sign for you, too. Huh? We just want to do
anything we can to win you over to Coke.
Nico: No Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll go down
to fifteen and a quarter. Now, you don't think I can
give you a better deal than that, do ya? [Nico keeps
nodding, cluelessly.] Huh? You do? Okay. I'll make it
fifteen even. And I'll see if I can't dig up a few
dozen glasses for ya, right?
Larry: Uh, I think I got some out in the truck.
John Pittman: [to Larry] You got some in the truck?
[to Nico] He's got some in the truck. We'll bring them
in now. What do you say? We have a deal? Huh? [Nico
nods] Okay, terrific! [turns to Larry] Larry, Larry,
will ya set up the dispensers and everything right
now? [Larry exits, Pittman turns to Nico, shakes his
hand] Listen, I gotta get going, kid. You're a very
shrewd businessman. I like your style. You know that,
too, don't ya? Ha! [pats Nico on the cheek] You're all right!
[Pittman exits. Nico grins and nods, having no idea
what that was all about. Pete returns with the plunger
slung over his shoulder.]
1st Female Customer: [still waiting by the register,
to Pete] I was charged for two cheeseburgers. I only
ordered one. You owe me a dollar fifty. I've been
waiting here for ten minutes. I would appreciate it if
you would give me my money.
Pete: George? [George joins Pete at the register, Pete
wants an explanation] Come on, come on.
George: Two cheeseburgers. One, two. [holds up the second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: But I didn't order it! [points to
Nico] He ordered it! Have him pay for it!
Pete: [to 1st female customer] Wait, wait. [turns to
2nd female customer, a regular patron, who stands near
the register with a friend] Okay, honey.
2nd Female Customer: Oh, oh, um, Pete, uh, can I also
have a cheeseburger and a Pepsi to go?
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: One cheeseburger! [George bags up the
untouched second cheeseburger and hands it to Pete who
hands it to the 2nd female customer]
2nd Female Customer: Oh, um, Pete, I want you to meet Linda, um...
2nd Female Customer: She's gonna be taking over for me
at work, uh, ah, I'm not gonna be there. You wanna know why?
2nd Female Customer: I'm gettin' married.
Pete: You're--? Married?
2nd Female Customer: Yeah. [laughs]
Pete: Awwwww! [kisses her on cheek]
2nd Female Customer: Yeah, next week, I'm goin' on the honeymoon.
Pete: Ohhhh! [claps his hands happily] Wait! Wait!
Ahhhhhh! [presents her with a wedding present -- a bag of chips]
2nd Female Customer: [underwhelmed by the gift] Oh,
thanks a lot. You don't mind if I don't eat 'em here?
I'll open 'em when I open the other gifts.
Pete: [graciously] Ahhhh, all right, all right.
2nd Female Customer: Thanks, Pete. [She and her friend exit.]
Pete: Married, married. That's nice, that's nice. [to
the 1st female customer] What do you want? What?
[Larry's assistant enters with a Coca-Cola dispenser,
followed by Larry who carries a box of glasses.]
Larry: [to Pete] Where do you want the glasses?
Pete: [completely confused] What? What? What?
Larry: Glasses. Free Coke glasses. Look. [shows Pete
an invoice] Four dozen free glasses, one ten foot
sign, and an agreement for us to sell you five gallon
jugs for fifteen dollars apiece.
Pete: Five gallons?
Larry: Yeah, it'll only take us a minute to set it up.
Pete: [Knowing a good deal when he hears it, an
otherwise mystified Pete waves Larry on] Sure, sure,
sure. [Larry and his helper set things up and then exit.]
1st Female Customer: [to Pete] Okay, how about my
dollar fifty that you owe me or do I have to call the police?
Pete: [upset] I'll give you your money in food! All right?!
1st Female Customer: You mean you won't give me a
dollar fifty in cash?
Pete: [gestures toward the grill] Cheeseburger. Come on.
1st Female Customer: I don't want a cheeseburger!
[resigned] What else do you have?
1st Female Customer: Okay, give me four bags of chips.
How much do I have left?
Pete: [does the math] Uhhhh ... twenty-eight.
1st Female Customer: Okay, I'll have a Pepsi.
Pete: Ah, no Pepsi. Coke.
1st Female Customer: [rolls her eyes] Okay! I'll have a Coke!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Coke!
[But Nico, uncomprehending, just stands still, wiping down a counter. Pete starts violently whacking Nico with a menu.]
Pete: Coke! Coke! Coke! Coke!
[Dissolve to a wider shot of the set behind cameras